Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My affair ended and then years later my AP contacted my spouse to confess and explain all the details. My spouse is not talking to me, angry and depressed, refuses counseling and seems to not care if I go to counseling individually. I don’t think either of us wants to break up, we have young kids and a fine marriage, but don’t know how to move forward. Is it better for kids to see the distance between us, or better to split and find happiness again?

Bravo!

That’s my plan as well. I’m too emotional and the whore wrecked my world.

Once I heal and get my act together I will provide her husband with all of the nasty details.

Hahaha! You’ll be in pain forever.

You think that funny? What the f@ck is wrong with you? Obviously- a whore AP.

DP

You obviously missed their point and the way in which you responded you further validated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My affair ended and then years later my AP contacted my spouse to confess and explain all the details. My spouse is not talking to me, angry and depressed, refuses counseling and seems to not care if I go to counseling individually. I don’t think either of us wants to break up, we have young kids and a fine marriage, but don’t know how to move forward. Is it better for kids to see the distance between us, or better to split and find happiness again?

Bravo!

That’s my plan as well. I’m too emotional and the whore wrecked my world.

Once I heal and get my act together I will provide her husband with all of the nasty details.

Hahaha! You’ll be in pain forever.

You think that funny? What the f@ck is wrong with you? Obviously- a whore AP.

DP

You obviously missed their point and the way in which you responded you further validated it.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Wouldn't you have had all that anyway?

To the extent child support is related to custody, you cannot agree on custody in a post-nup. I mean you can write down anything you like, but it will not stand up in court. You can only agree on disposal of assets.

Exactly. Post nups can get thrown out. She would have gotten that on a divorce (minus the alimony ...that is rare and temporary now)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step. The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized? A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you. You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems? Did she cheat? Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating? Of course she does not want to sleep with you! Have you shown any remorse? Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused. What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that? Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years. You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused. You really need therapy to examine your own issues.

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility. I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy. I tried over and over to fix that. If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save. So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse. My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route. So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I can see the logic in bad cheater perception. It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating. Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why. Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story. It led me down a very dark path.

Most therapists have zero morality. They asked my cheating husband- how do you define morality?

Yes. Let’s have a pathological lying narcissist set the rules for morality.

I know you didn't mean for this to be funny, but it really did give me (a man) a chuckle. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I didn't. I divorced her.

[Anonymous]

I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to save my marriage. I want the intact family unit. If you have been in a similar situation, how did you get over your AP and fall back in love with your spouse? BTW - spouse does not know about affair and I am not going to tell them.

You’re a jackass, then. And you’ll be living a lie.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth so he/she can decide whether or not to kick you to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

Why did it end with the AP? Did spouse find out or did he/she feel guilt and cut it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to save my marriage. I want the intact family unit. If you have been in a similar situation, how did you get over your AP and fall back in love with your spouse? BTW - spouse does not know about affair and I am not going to tell them.

You’re a jackass, then. And you’ll be living a lie.

Your spouse deserves to know the truth so he/she can decide whether or not to kick you to the curb.

+1 and so he can get an std test

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.

Your spouse should demand a post-nuptial agreement outline exactly what they are entitled to in a divorce. It’s the only way I could start working on things after my spouse’s huge betrayal. I was having sex with him 3-4 times per week prior to discovering his affair. I was unwilling to work with somebody who could do it again to me down the road. The affair nearly killed me and my health.

Now at least I get the other house, half of the one we currently live in, alimony/child support and 1/2 his retirement. I also have my own career, health benefits and my own retirement so I will do well. He also is in intensive individual therapy, got a vasectomy, regular STD tests every 3 months, total accountability, etc.

It’s near impossible to get over a multi-year affair. At least I made sure to cover my ass before trying to trust again. It gives me peace of mind and him incentive. He did all of those things on his own accord because he didn’t want to lose me.

Wouldn't you have had all that anyway?

To the extent child support is related to custody, you cannot agree on custody in a post-nup. I mean you can write down anything you like, but it will not stand up in court. You can only agree on disposal of assets.

Exactly. Post nups can get thrown out. She would have gotten that on a divorce (minus the alimony ...that is rare and temporary now)

Not if they are drawn up by attorneys that have been doing them for years and a track record for not having them thrown out. They are often more powerful than pre-nups. Both are required to have their own attorneys when drafting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

I aim for 1-2x a week to keep each of us satisfied. Sorry about your wife. I do love DH to some extent. I just am definitely not in love with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

I aim for 1-2x a week to keep each of us satisfied. Sorry about your wife. I do love DH to some extent. I just am definitely not in love with him.

The thing is if you ended up with the AP it wouldn't work. You would have to pay bills together, and he wouldn't like your child like you think. I see it with people in their 50's with the grand-kids. Divorce is often unavoidable, but it does mess up the family unit. I guess it depends on how much one values their kids. fyi I know many couples and most 2nd marriages are worse. Steps, halves, exes, ex-inlaws and the whole 9 yards destroys those relationships. Holidays are complicated with mixed families you don't want to spend time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

I aim for 1-2x a week to keep each of us satisfied. Sorry about your wife. I do love DH to some extent. I just am definitely not in love with him.

Hmmm Almost feels like this is my DW talking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretended.
But in all honesty I'm not over my ap. I'm not into this marriage, and we'd probably be better off divorced (from a love standpoint). But, we are good parents, get along OK (unless he realizes I really don't like him), and have regular sex. So. That. I'm just existing for now.

I'd rather be married to you than my wife who apparently loves me but doesn't want to have sex. Your arrangement doesn't sound that bad.

I aim for 1-2x a week to keep each of us satisfied. Sorry about your wife. I do love DH to some extent. I just am definitely not in love with him.

The thing is if you ended up with the AP it wouldn't work. You would have to pay bills together, and he wouldn't like your child like you think. I see it with people in their 50's with the grand-kids. Divorce is often unavoidable, but it does mess up the family unit. I guess it depends on how much one values their kids. fyi I know many couples and most 2nd marriages are worse. Steps, halves, exes, ex-inlaws and the whole 9 yards destroys those relationships. Holidays are complicated with mixed families you don't want to spend time with.

This ^^
I hate Christmas at my Mom's house with my "new" family. This is my second stepfamily and it's a hot mess. Never doing this to my kids.