My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried about the safety of my children. Children living with an unrelated man are far more likely to be abused. Personally, I wouldn't want to put my children or grandchildren in that situation, so I wouldn't get remarried.

Oh, get a life. Grandpa is just as likely to be a culprit, too.

Except grandpa doesn't live with them.

You ever watch "who the bleep did I marry?" Half of those stories start with a single mom struggling who meets a "perfect" man just itching to pay their bills

Okay, so by your logic, all single moms are putting their children at risk by, gasp, actually dating and having a life. What universe do you live in that you are so perfect and made all the right decisions in life and getting divorced has now exposed her kids to child molestation? You're a nut job.

[Anonymous]

You are already living with this man and he has been involved with in your boys lives - helping to support them, taking them places, etc. And you are in love with him. He sounds like a really good guy.

Maybe you two can make it official without a big wedding ceremony. Just something quiet, private. Maybe a ceremony on the beach where the boys are free to participate or watch from a distance.

Make it clear to them that you get married will not affect their relationship with their dad. Their dad will always be an important part of their life and you encourage and respect that. He's a good guy, too, even though you could not remain married to him.

[Anonymous]

You have to think logically. You aren't going to have a happy marriage since the kids are openly against it. They will be acting out. I agree with others to wait until the youngest is in college.

If your fiancé is a good guy then he will wait!

[Anonymous]

Op here. So much to respond to.

When I say that he provides for us, I mean, he doesn't think "your kids, you pay". He contributes to expenses without question or prompting even though mine are higher having kids.
I make a good amount of money. Slightly more than him actually. I do not need him for his paycheck. Not in the least.

My marriage ended because my XH had a drinking problem. Did I hide it from my boys and shelter them from knowing that their dad had a drinking problem, YES.
Did they know the nights he didn't come home, NO. Did they go with me to get him out of jail after a DWI, NO. Did my boys know the extent of their dads drinking issues, no but they aren't dumb. My younger son was too young to pick up on it, but my older son, he saw him when he has been drinking. He also saw when I would take a drink away from my XH and dump it down the sink. What my boys were told was "dad has personal issues and that dad decided that he need to move out and work on himself."

I worked very hard to buy him out of our home so that I could keep it for the boys and not disrupt their lives.
Taking care of them has always been #1.

I met my fiancé 2 years after the divorce was final, so a total of 3.75 years after my XH moved out. It's been 2 additional years, so 5.75 years since my XH moved out.

The issue at hand are my boys and their mental state.

I am the primary care giver. Yes, we split custody 50/50, neither of us pays either other child support, however I am the one making the dr appts, signing the permissions slips, buying a car for my 17 year old and handling their day to day lives. My boys come first period.

In speaking with a friend recently and she said two things to me: Boys are so protective of their mothers for always, and They miss their family

Guess what, I miss my family too. You plan your LIFE with someone. But we were put into a situation. I did the best I could with it and am trying to make the most of our future, whether that be me single or me remarried. However it will be, it will be me as a mom first. For always.

[Anonymous]

Boys don't even want you to get remarried when they are in college!

I'd slow it down and have a therapist come with your family on some outings and some at your home. See what she says about how your fiancé can fit in better and make your sons more comfortable and then get married. Your fiancé needs to work to fit in with your existing family. If he doesn't want to he should hit the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are already living with this man and he has been involved with in your boys lives - helping to support them, taking them places, etc. And you are in love with him. He sounds like a really good guy.

Maybe you two can make it official without a big wedding ceremony. Just something quiet, private. Maybe a ceremony on the beach where the boys are free to participate or watch from a distance.

Make it clear to them that you get married will not affect their relationship with their dad. Their dad will always be an important part of their life and you encourage and respect that. He's a good guy, too, even though you could not remain married to him.

Exchanging rings while teenagers pout and glare from a grassy knoll? Lol! Bad idea. This isn't about what kind of wedding. This is about forcing your children to live with someone they don't want to live with.

[Anonymous]

You are doing an amazing job, Op. Your oldest will be graduating HS soon. He should be aware that his dad has a drinking problem - not to judge him but to be aware that alcoholism runs in his family.

I think that you have an extremely good handle on your life. Listen to your gut on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are already living with this man and he has been involved with in your boys lives - helping to support them, taking them places, etc. And you are in love with him. He sounds like a really good guy.

Maybe you two can make it official without a big wedding ceremony. Just something quiet, private. Maybe a ceremony on the beach where the boys are free to participate or watch from a distance.

Make it clear to them that you get married will not affect their relationship with their dad. Their dad will always be an important part of their life and you encourage and respect that. He's a good guy, too, even though you could not remain married to him.

Exchanging rings while teenagers pout and glare from a grassy knoll? Lol! Bad idea. This isn't about what kind of wedding. This is about forcing your children to live with someone they don't want to live with.

Aren't they already living with him? I suggested a low key wedding where the boys could participate as much or as little as they want to. I think they should be there so that there is no denial that the wedding took place but they don't have to pretend to be super thrilled about it in front of a crowd of spectators. It is understandable that they have mixed emotions about their mom remarrying. But this is Mom's decision and they need to respect it.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your boyfriend live with you already? If, not, how often is he there? Do your boys do more chores or act more respectfully towards you when he is there? I am a single mom and my boys are slightly older than yours. I was not fortunate enough to have a relationship where marriage was a possibility.

If I had, my sons would have protested and resisted me getting remarried. I would have probably put my plans on hold, feeling sorry for them, not wanting to ruin their last years at home. However they are still here and trying to rule the house. Remarriage during teen years would have helped their attitude and behavior. Even if miserable, we could all be happier now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So much to respond to.

When I say that he provides for us, I mean, he doesn't think "your kids, you pay". He contributes to expenses without question or prompting even though mine are higher having kids.
I make a good amount of money. Slightly more than him actually. I do not need him for his paycheck. Not in the least.

My marriage ended because my XH had a drinking problem. Did I hide it from my boys and shelter them from knowing that their dad had a drinking problem, YES.
Did they know the nights he didn't come home, NO. Did they go with me to get him out of jail after a DWI, NO. Did my boys know the extent of their dads drinking issues, no but they aren't dumb. My younger son was too young to pick up on it, but my older son, he saw him when he has been drinking. He also saw when I would take a drink away from my XH and dump it down the sink. What my boys were told was "dad has personal issues and that dad decided that he need to move out and work on himself."

I worked very hard to buy him out of our home so that I could keep it for the boys and not disrupt their lives.
Taking care of them has always been #1.

I met my fiancé 2 years after the divorce was final, so a total of 3.75 years after my XH moved out. It's been 2 additional years, so 5.75 years since my XH moved out.

The issue at hand are my boys and their mental state.

I am the primary care giver. Yes, we split custody 50/50, neither of us pays either other child support, however I am the one making the dr appts, signing the permissions slips, buying a car for my 17 year old and handling their day to day lives. My boys come first period.

In speaking with a friend recently and she said two things to me: Boys are so protective of their mothers for always, and They miss their family

Guess what, I miss my family too. You plan your LIFE with someone. But we were put into a situation. I did the best I could with it and am trying to make the most of our future, whether that be me single or me remarried. However it will be, it will be me as a mom first. For always.

Thought your kids were 7 and 12?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So much to respond to.

When I say that he provides for us, I mean, he doesn't think "your kids, you pay". He contributes to expenses without question or prompting even though mine are higher having kids.
I make a good amount of money. Slightly more than him actually. I do not need him for his paycheck. Not in the least.

My marriage ended because my XH had a drinking problem. Did I hide it from my boys and shelter them from knowing that their dad had a drinking problem, YES.
Did they know the nights he didn't come home, NO. Did they go with me to get him out of jail after a DWI, NO. Did my boys know the extent of their dads drinking issues, no but they aren't dumb. My younger son was too young to pick up on it, but my older son, he saw him when he has been drinking. He also saw when I would take a drink away from my XH and dump it down the sink. What my boys were told was "dad has personal issues and that dad decided that he need to move out and work on himself."

I worked very hard to buy him out of our home so that I could keep it for the boys and not disrupt their lives.
Taking care of them has always been #1.

I met my fiancé 2 years after the divorce was final, so a total of 3.75 years after my XH moved out. It's been 2 additional years, so 5.75 years since my XH moved out.

The issue at hand are my boys and their mental state.

I am the primary care giver. Yes, we split custody 50/50, neither of us pays either other child support, however I am the one making the dr appts, signing the permissions slips, buying a car for my 17 year old and handling their day to day lives. My boys come first period.

In speaking with a friend recently and she said two things to me: Boys are so protective of their mothers for always, and They miss their family

Guess what, I miss my family too. You plan your LIFE with someone. But we were put into a situation. I did the best I could with it and am trying to make the most of our future, whether that be me single or me remarried. However it will be, it will be me as a mom first. For always.

Thought your kids were 7 and 12?

Go back to page 1. Op said "My boys are 17 and 12".

[Anonymous]

You should wait till they are in college. What if the second marriage fails? That is a statistically likely scenario especially with pissed off children in the house. What could be a bigger embarrassing waste than sharing the short time you have with children with a stupid ex 2nd husband in the house.

[Anonymous]

OP- I agree with the suggestions to engage in family therapy. Please do not feed into the bitterness of this thread that suggests that you should be alone because of your children. Caring for your children definitely comes first, however, that does not mean that you cannot achieve happiness. Of course your children want their parents to be together, however, that is not meant to be. That does not mean that you can never establish another relationship. Engage in therapy, keep the lines of communication open, schedule time for each child individually, etc. Divorce does not mean that you are doomed to a lifetime of loneliness, it just takes work, commitment and time to successfully blend families.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are doing a good job. Don't let the martyrs of this thread, up on their high horse, make you feel otherwise. I think you have done the best you can with the hand you were dealt and there is nothing for you to defend or be ashamed of. It sounds like you've been very considerate of your sons' feelings and they should accept that you are happy, with a great guy, and that he won't replace their dad. Although they're dealing with new and difficult feelings, i wholeheartedly believe you deserve to be happy with a spouse who treats you right.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked with a therapist at all?

I think you deserve to be happy, and I think it's a blessing to find someone, but I don't know how to handle teen/tween boys.

I would think the being children of an alcoholic would be enough to have them in therapy. And they need to know.

But I don't get all these people telling you to wait. Seek assistance, but don't put it off for six years.