My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Ugh - these people who think they single parents (well - single mothers mostly) should give up their own personal fulfillment after divorce. There aren't enough eyeroll emojis to indicate how off base they are.

It's about balance. I don't think you should break if off with your fiance. From your description, the boys are fine with him as long as the word marriage come up. That's good. My guess is that the boys understand that once you get married, the possibility of you and DH is totally gone -- and they want to hang on to the hope. They don't want to admit that a remarriage is not going to happen. There's absolutely no sense in not marrying your fiance because your kids want to hang on to a hope that has no chance of coming to fruition. I think that's unhealthy for them.

I think you start with family and individual counseling and some frank conversations with the older one on how you and ex-DH are not getting back together. Ever.

Also, if you have primary custody and can claim head of household -- you might want to take a good look at your tax burden should you get married. That alone might encourage you to wait until you can't claim them any more.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to be "married"? Why can't you be "life partners" like Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell? It's not like you're starting a new family with children and you need legal protections. Seems dumb .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to be "married"? Why can't you be "life partners" like Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell? It's not like you're starting a new family with children and you need legal protections. Seems dumb .

Yeah, look at what happened to Brad and Angelina. He no sooner put a ring on it and .

Uncoupling is so much easier when there is no knot to untie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to be "married"? Why can't you be "life partners" like Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell? It's not like you're starting a new family with children and you need legal protections. Seems dumb .

You know what's dumb? This post.

[Anonymous]

If they hold out hope that you and your ex will get together can you get your ex to say it will not happen. He may be the only one that they will listen to. On the other hand, if he is holding out hope that you will get back together he may be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried about the safety of my children. Children living with an unrelated man are far more likely to be abused. Personally, I wouldn't want to put my children or grandchildren in that situation, so I wouldn't get remarried.

Oh, get a life. Grandpa is just as likely to be a culprit, too.

Except grandpa doesn't live with them.

You ever watch "who the bleep did I marry?" Half of those stories start with a single mom struggling who meets a "perfect" man just itching to pay their bills

Okay, so by your logic, all single moms are putting their children at risk by, gasp, actually dating and having a life. What universe do you live in that you are so perfect and made all the right decisions in life and getting divorced has now exposed her kids to child molestation? You're a nut job.

But she's not just dating she's getting married. And no I think that single moms that are not financially independent and want to overlook that their kids don't like their partner because he pays for things put their kids at risk. You don't think it's odd that she made a point of mentioning offering financial support?

[Anonymous]

They're kids, OP - older kids, but still kids. They want what they think is best for them. They're not trying to hurt you, but they're focused on their own interests because they're kids. Family counseling is a great idea to help all of you work through all the feelings and issues at play here. A parent with a drinking problem is tough - and even if you tried to shield them, there was likely still behavior and tension. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!

She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. No. You don't sacrifice your happiness to please them.

Start with family therapy.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!

She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.

NP. I agree with this.
OP says that he "provides for my family well". That certainly sounds like they are living together. Even if he has his own place, if he is spending nights, they are living together. So, why the need to get married now?

I would listen to the boys and wait until they are out of the house. OP's first commitment is to her kids. BF comes second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to be "married"? Why can't you be "life partners" like Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell? It's not like you're starting a new family with children and you need legal protections. Seems dumb .

Hawn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried about the safety of my children. Children living with an unrelated man are far more likely to be abused. Personally, I wouldn't want to put my children or grandchildren in that situation, so I wouldn't get remarried.

Oh, get a life. Grandpa is just as likely to be a culprit, too.

Except grandpa doesn't live with them.

You ever watch "who the bleep did I marry?" Half of those stories start with a single mom struggling who meets a "perfect" man just itching to pay their bills

Okay, so by your logic, all single moms are putting their children at risk by, gasp, actually dating and having a life. What universe do you live in that you are so perfect and made all the right decisions in life and getting divorced has now exposed her kids to child molestation? You're a nut job.

But she's not just dating she's getting married. And no I think that single moms that are not financially independent and want to overlook that their kids don't like their partner because he pays for things put their kids at risk. You don't think it's odd that she made a point of mentioning offering financial support?

Read her response. She makes more $ than him. Nothing in the post talks about him making lavish purchasing, just that she isn't a deadbeat going after her money because they each have their own money.

[Anonymous]

I think it's time to talk with your oldest son about his dad's alcoholism. He needs information to inform his own choices about alcohol use, and it will help him understand why you felt it best to split the family up. If your ex is a good guy and a good dad, other than his behaviors related to his alcoholism, that's all your kids know, and your choices to throw out Dad and now, marry a new guy, make no sense to them.

And when your younger son is ready, you need to have this talk with him, too.

Maybe a family counselor could help with this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People! She didn't say the fiancé lives with them!

She mentioned all of the day to day things that she and her fiance do with the boys. Even if they aren't already technically living together, he is around them a lot.

The boys are probably feeling sad because they don't want to see their dad "replaced". They need to understand that their dad is, and always will be, their dad. He is not being replaced.

Maybe they just don't want someone in their house acting like they owe him the respect of a father just because he's dating their mom. It is one thing to be courteous to a non-parent. Totally different if this guy is going to be making parenting and financial decisions.