My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

It is, to a child or teenager. That's how long it takes to settle in to the new way of living.

Agree. The divorce is not as new, but the life of a teenager is constantly changing and they have to learn to understand and incorporate the divorce into their way of thinking about their family at each stage of life. This will continue as they develop into adulthood. It is very, very common for parents to be ready before the children are. And really, who is ever ready to live with someone not of their own choosing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

It is, to a child or teenager. That's how long it takes to settle in to the new way of living.

Agree. The divorce is not as new, but the life of a teenager is constantly changing and they have to learn to understand and incorporate the divorce into their way of thinking about their family at each stage of life. This will continue as they develop into adulthood. It is very, very common for parents to be ready before the children are. And really, who is ever ready to live with someone not of their own choosing?

Also agree. I suspect too that your fiance has not been around your children for the full two years you have been dating. It's still fresh to the kids. Why do you need to marry in such a rush anyway? And what do you mean that your fiance "provides well?" Don't you have income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

It is, to a child or teenager. That's how long it takes to settle in to the new way of living.

Agree. The divorce is not as new, but the life of a teenager is constantly changing and they have to learn to understand and incorporate the divorce into their way of thinking about their family at each stage of life. This will continue as they develop into adulthood. It is very, very common for parents to be ready before the children are. And really, who is ever ready to live with someone not of their own choosing?

And it Hanes in adulthood. When your children grow up and get married, how will step-parents fit in? Have babies of their own? Step-grandma? I myself had a step-grandma, and my children great-step grandma. It was weird for MY parents when this happened. Where do they fit in as grandparents? It's every changing.

[Anonymous]

Right. They have only really known him for, like, 18 months, right?

We all have people we get along with but don't want to live with. You lovr him but so what? That doesn't cause them to like him or make him a compatible housemate for them.

Why are you wanting to inject all this drama into your older son's final years at home? He wants time with you, not sharing with some other guy. It is only a year or two and he will be off to college. Why can't you focus on the time you have left of his childhood? Two years is really not that long to date before marriage, for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Was your fiance in your life before you got divorced? This happened with my mom - she started an affair with a guy, my parents split, and years later she didn't understand why I never quite took to him even though he "provided for us". When she insisted on moving in with him, I went to live with my dad full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

It is, to a child or teenager. That's how long it takes to settle in to the new way of living.

Agree. The divorce is not as new, but the life of a teenager is constantly changing and they have to learn to understand and incorporate the divorce into their way of thinking about their family at each stage of life. This will continue as they develop into adulthood. It is very, very common for parents to be ready before the children are. And really, who is ever ready to live with someone not of their own choosing?

And it Hanes in adulthood. When your children grow up and get married, how will step-parents fit in? Have babies of their own? Step-grandma? I myself had a step-grandma, and my children great-step grandma. It was weird for MY parents when this happened. Where do they fit in as grandparents? It's every changing.

Exactly. Does this guy have kids? Does he want more kids? Are you going to force your children to spend time with your fiance's extended family? Will he be disciplining them and having a say in major life decisions? Are you thinking your kids will take care of him when he is old? There is a lot of change and complexity here. Enjoying his company sometimes (or maybe just tolerating but OP wants to believe they enjoy it) is beside the point. The stakes are a lot higher now that you are engaged.

[Anonymous]

If you are already engaged, you have proven you don't care what the kids think. So why would they tell you?

How did you announce it to them? Did you expext them to be happy? If so, you need parenting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

I agree. Their lives have been disrupted enough. It is not fair to them to make them adapt to another family situation. Wait until they are 18+.

It is about them and not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till they are deep in college and don't have a strange man living with them. Divorce is forever the ramifications never end and there is always a thorn in your side.

This.

[Anonymous]

If he loves you then ,
He can wait

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. No. You don't sacrifice your happiness to please them.

Start with family therapy.

+1

Exactly. Ask the therapist to help you talk about it, but they don't get to decide on the marriage.

A couple thoughts: Ask your sons to try to respect your fiance, even if they don't like him or want you to get married. Ask the oldest one how he wants girlfriends he brings home to be treated, and ask him if he thinks you get a say in who he dates. Remind them both that you love them and will support them no matter what happens--see if you can figure out what scares them so much about the change.

Maybe they will ask if you would like having your home disrupted every two years and being forced to live with someone when they don't want to.

They probably are happy that life has finally settled down into a "new normal" and here comes their mom wanting to change everything up again. But hey, there is nothing more important than adult romantic relationships, right?

+1m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till they are deep in college and don't have a strange man living with them. Divorce is forever the ramifications never end and there is always a thorn in your side.

This.

+1. It just does not stop being a thing, no matter how amicable or justified it may be. Weddings, birth of children, illnesses, celebrations, and worst of all, elder care, divorce will be there making everything more complicated. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Why does your fiancé "provide for" your family, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would get family therapy to get to the root of the issue. I think it's hard for some kids to accept that their parents don't belong together. I felt like this as a kid now as an adult I realize my dad was actually a really terrible husband.

[Anonymous]

A friend's family was in this situation. They waited to get married until the youngest went away to school, but in the meantime the fiancee spent summers with the family at a vacation house. The couple is mow in their 80s. Point is, life is long.