My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Wait - I know you want what's best for your boys but why do you have 50-50 custody with an ALCOHOLIC?? That doesn't seem like it's very good for your boys, especially not your younger one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

Wait, so you are bringing in a guy with no parenting experience, into a household of teenagers who don't want him to be there? Red flags! Go slow! He may be very, very surprised at what it is actually like to parent two teenagers.

You haven't answered about financials. Is he going to be in on major financial decisions you make for your children?

If he doesn't have children, who is going to care for him when he is old. Your boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

Thanks for answering my question, it sounds like a good plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

Op - you've got a great handle on this. Your guys - your boys, your fiancee and even your ex dh are lucky. I wish you the best, you truly deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - I know you want what's best for your boys but why do you have 50-50 custody with an ALCOHOLIC?? That doesn't seem like it's very good for your boys, especially not your younger one.

I am sure OP has thought of that. Unfortunately the courts decide this, not OP, and there is precious little she can do about it without violating her court orders, I am sure.

OP, I really think you should talk to a counselor to figure out how to frame this successfully, but don't let the aggressive haters on this thread make you question too much. You are obviously a very thoughtful person who cares a LOT about her kids and I think you will be fine to get married.

If I have one concern about your plan I think you sound like you might intend to be the only parent and not really let fiancé have much of a role. Make sure he is 100% on board with everything that comes along with kids -- you all need to be a family if he moves in at this stage. If he's not ready for that, that would make me pause. It isn't a replacement for the family your kids already have, but it still needs to be a family environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

Right. If anything, remarrying will mean that you are even less available to help them with their dad. At 17, if your kid is smart, he is starting to catch on to what the future may hold. Your family, such as it is, will be less of a team with the addition of someone who doesn't care about their father.

You still haven't answered questions about the financial situation, OP. And you say he won't reprimand them, but then turn around and say he will if he is present for something, so which is it? What will happen if you and he disagree over house rules for the kids? Are you expecting to keep everything the same regardless of his views? That is unrealistic. Living with teenagers will be a huge adjustment for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

Right. If anything, remarrying will mean that you are even less available to help them with their dad. At 17, if your kid is smart, he is starting to catch on to what the future may hold. Your family, such as it is, will be less of a team with the addition of someone who doesn't care about their father.

You still haven't answered questions about the financial situation, OP. And you say he won't reprimand them, but then turn around and say he will if he is present for something, so which is it? What will happen if you and he disagree over house rules for the kids? Are you expecting to keep everything the same regardless of his views? That is unrealistic. Living with teenagers will be a huge adjustment for him.

+1. OP, it seems like you want to copy and paste a more casual boyfriend dynamic into a committed, live-in marriage. But you can't have it both ways. Your kids seem to understand that, but you do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

Right. If anything, remarrying will mean that you are even less available to help them with their dad. At 17, if your kid is smart, he is starting to catch on to what the future may hold. Your family, such as it is, will be less of a team with the addition of someone who doesn't care about their father.

You still haven't answered questions about the financial situation, OP. And you say he won't reprimand them, but then turn around and say he will if he is present for something, so which is it? What will happen if you and he disagree over house rules for the kids? Are you expecting to keep everything the same regardless of his views? That is unrealistic. Living with teenagers will be a huge adjustment for him.

+1. OP, it seems like you want to copy and paste a more casual boyfriend dynamic into a committed, live-in marriage. But you can't have it both ways. Your kids seem to understand that, but you do not.

[Anonymous]

If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

Right. If anything, remarrying will mean that you are even less available to help them with their dad. At 17, if your kid is smart, he is starting to catch on to what the future may hold. Your family, such as it is, will be less of a team with the addition of someone who doesn't care about their father.

You still haven't answered questions about the financial situation, OP. And you say he won't reprimand them, but then turn around and say he will if he is present for something, so which is it? What will happen if you and he disagree over house rules for the kids? Are you expecting to keep everything the same regardless of his views? That is unrealistic. Living with teenagers will be a huge adjustment for him.

Why do you think that Op would become less available to help her sons contend with their dad's problems? It sounds like Op could use some love and support herself as she guides her boys through some of these difficult encounters with their dad. Having a positive, functioning male role model around her boys could be a huge benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

these are the very same people who will tell you, the second your children turn exactly 18 years old, that they are now adults and they don't owe you anything, and also, you can kick them to the curb because adults! 18!