My boys don't want me to get remarried
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Anonymous
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I've been divorced for 4 years. Dating a guy for 2 years. We recently got engaged. I'm very excited. He's a great guy, provides for my family well, loves my boys very much.
Problem is my boys have never taken to him. For the reason as they put it "he's not dad". There is nothing that I or my fiancé" can do to change this or make it better. My boys just want their parents back together. They have said this to me several times. I give no signs or indications that we are or ever will get back together. I have talked to them about why it didn't work out with their dad, and that their dad and I are trying to be great parents as that is our number 1 priority. My boys are 17 and 12. This is so difficult. When you get divorced, you think that you will be alone forever. I feel so lucky to have found someone so loving and supportive. The fact that my kids won't accept him eats at him and me. Day to day my kids act completely fine. We go to dinner, movies, amusement parks, have bonfires in the back yard, they play basketball together, we've even gone camping a few times and went on a beach vacation. They have fun and act happy every day. The second the word wedding or marriage is brought up, they become extremely defensive and sometimes upset. They have said that they would not go to the wedding. No wedding date is set, we are not in a hurry, we are thinking 1 year from now possibly, and nothing huge. What do I do? Break the engagement as that will please my kids? Get married, and not have my kids at the wedding or happy? I'm seriously stressed about this. Please help with some advice. I'm interested to know if any others have experienced this, and what seems to make it a bit easier for all involved. |
Anonymous
| Check with a family therapist but maybe at least wait till the oldest is In college so he doesn't have to deal with the transition to living with him |
Anonymous
| You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that. |
Anonymous
Strongly disagree with this. These are teenagers. They should be able to communicate about their feelings and come to an understanding with their mother about her life. Wanting their parents to get back together isn't going to happen. You can talk to them about the specific nature of their concern, but "Because I want you and dad to get back together" is not something that I would find acceptable. I am the parent, not them. |
Anonymous
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Good grief. No. You don't sacrifice your happiness to please them.
Start with family therapy. |
Anonymous
| What does your Ex think about you getting remarried? If he is okay with it, maybe he can talk to your boys. Regardless, I agree with other posters who think you should hold off for now and find out what is really behind their resistance to your fiance. Your kids come first. |
Anonymous
| Wait till they are deep in college and don't have a strange man living with them. Divorce is forever the ramifications never end and there is always a thorn in your side. |
Anonymous
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You should have broke it off long ago. Everything seems to be all about YOU.
What about those poor kids and their happiness? |
Anonymous
You need therapy as a family and for them individually. There may be more going on here then they are willing to verbalize to you, or they may be trying to tell you things that you are unwilling to hear. You can force this on them but it will not go well and your relationship with them will be severly damaged. Understand that you, and they, will be dealing with the consequences of divorce for the rest of your life. I'm not saying it was the wrong decision to divorce, but it casts a long shadow. |
Anonymous
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Why do you say there is nothing you or your fiance can do to make it better? Surely there is something. You seem like you're giving up without trying.
What kind of man would be crazy enough to marry into this situation? |
Anonymous
+10000. Until they are 18, their happiness is yours OP. |
Anonymous
Oh, come on. There is an enormous difference between sacrificing for your kids' happiness, and caving in to unrealistic demands of teenagers. This would be much more the later. |
Anonymous
+1 Exactly. Ask the therapist to help you talk about it, but they don't get to decide on the marriage. A couple thoughts: Ask your sons to try to respect your fiance, even if they don't like him or want you to get married. Ask the oldest one how he wants girlfriends he brings home to be treated, and ask him if he thinks you get a say in who he dates. Remind them both that you love them and will support them no matter what happens--see if you can figure out what scares them so much about the change. |
Anonymous
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Why are you so desperate to get married? Do you need the money, do you need his help paying the bills?
This man that loves you so much won't love you this much if you don't marry? He can't wait until the kids go to college? They don't like him, they don't want to live with him. Can't you just let them have a few years without the stress? |
Anonymous
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If this relationship is solid enough, marriage can wait 5-6 years until your youngest leaves for college. You said you thought you'd be alone forever- you were alone 2 years! You said you can wait, but only 1 year?
And why are you asking their opinions when you don't appear to give a rip about how they feel? |