My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. No. You don't sacrifice your happiness to please them.

Start with family therapy.

+1

Exactly. Ask the therapist to help you talk about it, but they don't get to decide on the marriage.

A couple thoughts: Ask your sons to try to respect your fiance, even if they don't like him or want you to get married. Ask the oldest one how he wants girlfriends he brings home to be treated, and ask him if he thinks you get a say in who he dates. Remind them both that you love them and will support them no matter what happens--see if you can figure out what scares them so much about the change.

Maybe they will ask if you would like having your home disrupted every two years and being forced to live with someone when they don't want to.

They probably are happy that life has finally settled down into a "new normal" and here comes their mom wanting to change everything up again. But hey, there is nothing more important than adult romantic relationships, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have already broken their family. Do not continue to break their spirits by not listening to them. Post divorce your kids should be your focus. Their happiness trumps yours. Sorry about that.

+10000. Until they are 18, their happiness is yours OP.

This. Wait until they are a bit older. Right now they will not listen.

My parents divorced when I was young and my father was never around. My mother married a lovely guy when I was 14. As a mature adult, I now see that he tried really hard. But back then nothing he did made any difference. I made their lives (and my own) hell. It would have been better for everyone if they had waited until I left for college.

[Anonymous]

Four years is really not that long for teenagers, OP. It would be ok with younger children, but it's very tough getting divorced with tweens and teens. There is obviously a lot going on here emotionally. Maybe you need a parenting coach.

Forcing this will backfire.

[Anonymous]

I'd wait 5 yrs and get married.

[Anonymous]

Think about it from their perspective, OP. The status quo is tolerable to them. If they tell you the real reasons, you will just get upset and be mad at them or tell them they are wrong, and then you will tell hom what they said and marry him anyway and won't that be awkward. There is nothing good that could come from telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about it from their perspective, OP. The status quo is tolerable to them. If they tell you the real reasons, you will just get upset and be mad at them or tell them they are wrong, and then you will tell hom what they said and marry him anyway and won't that be awkward. There is nothing good that could come from telling you.

+1. OP, what kind of reason could they give that would change anything for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 4 years. Dating a guy for 2 years. We recently got engaged. I'm very excited. He's a great guy, provides for my family well, loves my boys very much.
Problem is my boys have never taken to him. For the reason as they put it "he's not dad". There is nothing that I or my fiancé" can do to change this or make it better. My boys just want their parents back together. They have said this to me several times. I give no signs or indications that we are or ever will get back together. I have talked to them about why it didn't work out with their dad, and that their dad and I are trying to be great parents as that is our number 1 priority.

My boys are 17 and 12.

This is so difficult. When you get divorced, you think that you will be alone forever. I feel so lucky to have found someone so loving and supportive.
The fact that my kids won't accept him eats at him and me.

Day to day my kids act completely fine. We go to dinner, movies, amusement parks, have bonfires in the back yard, they play basketball together, we've even gone camping a few times and went on a beach vacation. They have fun and act happy every day.

The second the word wedding or marriage is brought up, they become extremely defensive and sometimes upset. They have said that they would not go to the wedding.

No wedding date is set, we are not in a hurry, we are thinking 1 year from now possibly, and nothing huge.

What do I do?

Break the engagement as that will please my kids?
Get married, and not have my kids at the wedding or happy?

I'm seriously stressed about this. Please help with some advice. I'm interested to know if any others have experienced this, and what seems to make it a bit easier for all involved.

"Provides for my family well"? Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner! Why is he providing for your family already, when you only just got engaged? Shouldn't their dad provide for them? They are probably embarrassed by this and find it uncomfortable. Of course they are nice to him if they know he is paying!

[Anonymous]

it's difficult to balance your happiness with theirs.

A couple of observations -

1. Do you think family therapy would help? They are at a very self-centered stage right now, and can't see past their own selves. Perhaps a therapist would make them see that you have needs too.

2. Examine your fiance with fresh eyes. Are they seeing something you don't? Could their gut feeling be right? Is this man not the right one for you?

So my advice is to go slow, as you were intending to, and really thrash this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about it from their perspective, OP. The status quo is tolerable to them. If they tell you the real reasons, you will just get upset and be mad at them or tell them they are wrong, and then you will tell hom what they said and marry him anyway and won't that be awkward. There is nothing good that could come from telling you.

+1. OP, what kind of reason could they give that would change anything for you?

Google him just in case, OP. I guarantee you they have. They may see sides of him that you don't. Or maybe he picks his nose while cooking? I dunno. But seriously, think about what the real reasons would be and how you would react, and don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answers.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your kids. The timeline shows that your priority was definitely dating post divorce. Wait until they are out of the house to remarry.

[Anonymous]

What's the rush? I would guess from your children's age you aren't planning on having more children. Is your FI pushing for a particular time frame? Or are you just really itching to lock him in because you are afraid of being alone?

My first thought is that there is something else going on here that your boys do not feel comfortable expressing to you. You guys should definitely get into family therapy. Personally, I would just stay engaged for 5-6 years and get married when the youngest is heading to college. Meanwhile, I would use that time to explore what your kids issue is with him and work on them feeling more secure in their place in your life.

You can't get married and think all of this will magically resolve itself because if you move some man that your sons don't want you to marry into your house you will put a lot of strain on your new marriage and on your relationship with your sons.

[Anonymous]

Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

[Anonymous]

Just stay engaged forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have reasons for divorce that they thought were adequate? If you can decide you don't want to live with their dad, they can decide they don't want to live with your boyfriend.

Maybe they don't think your relationship will last. Fresh off a divorce, you can't really expect them to.

How is 4 years fresh off a divorce?

NP, btw.

It is, to a child or teenager. That's how long it takes to settle in to the new way of living.