My boys don't want me to get remarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

perhaps. play it by the ear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what are you planning to do? Just curious. I'm on team wait until youngest is in college.

Years ago, I knew someone in a similar situation. She listened to her teen daughters and didn't marry the guy. Then she met a guy they did approve of and she got married while two of the girls were still living at home. The rejected first guy was bossy, while the approved of guy was quiet and calm.

Maybe your boys are afraid that your fiancé will boss them around? Is fiancé bossy or have a loud personality?

This is Op. Well, I am not rushing into anything. My fiancé only stays over my place when my boys are at their fathers. There have been a few occasions where my youngest has texted me to come get him from dads because dad is "in a mood", so on those occasions I have not made my fiancé leave and go to his place. The boys know he stays over. They have even said that they are glad I'm not alone. I feel that the "forever" meaning behind marriage is the big issue and causing my boys most of the stress. I don't want my oldest son to go away to college, then come back home and feel like everything at home changed, because we all know that they do come back, summers, breaks and after college until they are on their own two feet. Which he is ALWAYS welcome at home no matter what. So, right now, I am hitting the "pause button" on the marriage piece. I will also speak with a family counselor about the situation and find out how best to approach it. My fiancé knows that he is not going to reprimand the kids. That is my job. They are at an age where this needs to continue to come from their mother. Obviously if he sees them doing something wrong, he will question it with them at that moment as to not get himself in a "tattled on the boys" situation. That won't earn him any trust with the boys. He knows where he stand and what his role is with them. He doesn't have children, and has never been married. He has had many years of school and then has been 150% into his career. That's where I'm at at this point. Time will tell what happens. Will he be ok with a pause on marriage talks, will the kids learn to accept the relationship more. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and perspectives, most (not all) of them were helpful. I look at so many families that are on second marriages and wonder how do they make it work?

They make it work by not forcing the kids to live with someone they don't want to live with! Those are the families in whuch the kids were ok with it, or were too young to have a real opinion. And you are seeing them after a lot if time has passed since the remarriage.

Or they have a facade of a happy family and you are falling for it.

OP, try dealing with the alcoholic dad issue in therapy with them. Obviously they know what his "moods" are all about. That seems to be the underlying issue and nothing will improve until it is dealt with.

Remember, you can go off and be happy with your new man, but your boys will always have an alcoholic for a dad. They will be dealing with him for as long as he lives, without your help. New man is an upgrade for you, but it doesn't fix anything for them.

Right. If anything, remarrying will mean that you are even less available to help them with their dad. At 17, if your kid is smart, he is starting to catch on to what the future may hold. Your family, such as it is, will be less of a team with the addition of someone who doesn't care about their father.

You still haven't answered questions about the financial situation, OP. And you say he won't reprimand them, but then turn around and say he will if he is present for something, so which is it? What will happen if you and he disagree over house rules for the kids? Are you expecting to keep everything the same regardless of his views? That is unrealistic. Living with teenagers will be a huge adjustment for him.

Why do you think that Op would become less available to help her sons contend with their dad's problems? It sounds like Op could use some love and support herself as she guides her boys through some of these difficult encounters with their dad. Having a positive, functioning male role model around her boys could be a huge benefit.

Because everything will have to be approved by the new husband and he won't want his family life to revolve around an alcoholic ex. He's going to push her to be more separate and leave the boys to deal on their own. He migh be nice about it when they are still young, but in the long run, they will have to be on their own, doing all the things a spouse would do.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so weird. OP, I remarried when my kids were 13 and 9. They are 27 and 24 now. Super close to their stepfather. They are much closer to stepdad than they are their biological father. Their lives have been better because of a loving, present stepparent. I'm not understanding where the fear and animosity is coming from. Many, many blended families are thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so weird. OP, I remarried when my kids were 13 and 9. They are 27 and 24 now. Super close to their stepfather. They are much closer to stepdad than they are their biological father. Their lives have been better because of a loving, present stepparent. I'm not understanding where the fear and animosity is coming from. Many, many blended families are thriving.

And many are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because everything will have to be approved by the new husband and he won't want his family life to revolve around an alcoholic ex. He's going to push her to be more separate and leave the boys to deal on their own. He migh be nice about it when they are still young, but in the long run, they will have to be on their own, doing all the things a spouse would do.

You are making a lot of assumptions here. The boys are 12 and 17 - they are not toddlers who need their mom to navigate things for them 100%. She is already "separate" from her ex. She picks up her kids when they ask to be picked up. What exactly are "all the things a spouse would do" in this situation?

I do not know where you get the idea that "everything will have to be approved by the new husband" and I also don't know where you get such deep insights into what he will and won't want his family life to look like.

I am remarried. My husband understands that my ex and I parent the daughter we have together together. My ex is also remarried. His wife also understands this. They make decisions about what happens in their home together. My husband and I make decisions about what happens in our home together. The only time when we all make decisions together involve things like planning vacations with DD ("Hey, H and I want to take DD to Florida over winter break. When are you guys planning to get back from your Christmas stuff?") or situations that involve larger decisions, like when first her dad and then I moved from one school district to another and DD had to change schools.

OP, I think you should be having ongoing conversations with your fiance about what your married life with him will look like. I think that probably, your boys are most concerned with how their lives will change. So think about that. Then think about how things would change if you DIDN'T remarry. Would you keep their rooms set up for them? How long will you do that? If your oldest finishes college and wants to move back home, what expectations will you have of him in that situation? Will you expect them to come home to you for all holidays? How will you balance spending time with your husband's extended family during holiday times? How will those people consider your sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

perhaps. play it by the ear.

And when Mom is rushed to the hospital one day, the kids can find out then that Mom's boyfriend is really her husband and will be the one calling all the shots. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because everything will have to be approved by the new husband and he won't want his family life to revolve around an alcoholic ex. He's going to push her to be more separate and leave the boys to deal on their own. He migh be nice about it when they are still young, but in the long run, they will have to be on their own, doing all the things a spouse would do.

You are making a lot of assumptions here. The boys are 12 and 17 - they are not toddlers who need their mom to navigate things for them 100%. She is already "separate" from her ex. She picks up her kids when they ask to be picked up. What exactly are "all the things a spouse would do" in this situation?

I do not know where you get the idea that "everything will have to be approved by the new husband" and I also don't know where you get such deep insights into what he will and won't want his family life to look like.

I am remarried. My husband understands that my ex and I parent the daughter we have together together. My ex is also remarried. His wife also understands this. They make decisions about what happens in their home together. My husband and I make decisions about what happens in our home together. The only time when we all make decisions together involve things like planning vacations with DD ("Hey, H and I want to take DD to Florida over winter break. When are you guys planning to get back from your Christmas stuff?") or situations that involve larger decisions, like when first her dad and then I moved from one school district to another and DD had to change schools.

OP, I think you should be having ongoing conversations with your fiance about what your married life with him will look like. I think that probably, your boys are most concerned with how their lives will change. So think about that. Then think about how things would change if you DIDN'T remarry. Would you keep their rooms set up for them? How long will you do that? If your oldest finishes college and wants to move back home, what expectations will you have of him in that situation? Will you expect them to come home to you for all holidays? How will you balance spending time with your husband's extended family during holiday times? How will those people consider your sons?

They will have to be dealing with an alcoholic dad for the rest of his life as he declines. If he were married, the brunt of it would fall to his wife. She can divorce him, but he is still their dad and they will have to deal with him on their own. It will suck for them, frankly, but that is what adult children of divorce have to do.

Look, OP, stepfamily can be great, but it also is a lot more complicated.
Are you going to make your boys travel to visit their new steprelatives? What if your new husband's parents want to move in, or you decide to move to be closer to them? This isn't just you dating anymore or letting your boyfriend move in. It is a huge long-term committment that can bring signifcant changes for everyone. Don't try to pretend otherwise. Your sons will never be ok with this if you are not honest and realistic with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

perhaps. play it by the ear.

And when Mom is rushed to the hospital one day, the kids can find out then that Mom's boyfriend is really her husband and will be the one calling all the shots. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Not.

I don't see why would that be such a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Divorce sucks for kids, and this is one of the reasons why. Their family (you and your ex) no longer exists, and now you wonder why they aren't happy. It can't be replaced. Whoever you choose will always be some other guy who they have no connection to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

perhaps. play it by the ear.

I can't think of a worse case of betrayal. As if the divorce wasn't painful enough you think secretly marrying is a good idea ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

This is a terrible, selfish, stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

My dad did this and finding out (from one of her friends who casually mentioned the wedding in front of me, not knowing the kids weren't told) was like a slap in the face. It literally took my breath. My relationship with my dad is STILL broken, not that he cares very much.

If you care about your kids, don't do this. Don't hide the marriage. Include them and send the message that they are important and you want them involved in your significant events, and that they are still your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

This is a terrible, selfish, stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

My dad did this and finding out (from one of her friends who casually mentioned the wedding in front of me, not knowing the kids weren't told) was like a slap in the face. It literally took my breath. My relationship with my dad is STILL broken, not that he cares very much.

If you care about your kids, don't do this. Don't hide the marriage. Include them and send the message that they are important and you want them involved in your significant events, and that they are still your family.

your father had wedding. I am suggesting no wedding.

it's much easier for a man to get married than for a woman. OP is lucky. it would be stupid to let this so when in a few years her sons won't give a shit what happens to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

You think she should secretly marry and then pretend not to be married for the sake of the children??

yes.

And keep a charade like that up for 5 or 6 years, until her youngest is in college??

perhaps. play it by the ear.

I can't think of a worse case of betrayal. As if the divorce wasn't painful enough you think secretly marrying is a good idea ???

it's the best of both worlds. OP gets married sons thing she hasn't. win win. she tells them when they ar wok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were you OP I would marry in secret and not tell children for a while. Just go to court and have a nice dinner. You don't need a wedding.

This is a terrible, selfish, stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

My dad did this and finding out (from one of her friends who casually mentioned the wedding in front of me, not knowing the kids weren't told) was like a slap in the face. It literally took my breath. My relationship with my dad is STILL broken, not that he cares very much.

If you care about your kids, don't do this. Don't hide the marriage. Include them and send the message that they are important and you want them involved in your significant events, and that they are still your family.

your father had wedding. I am suggesting no wedding.

it's much easier for a man to get married than for a woman. OP is lucky. it would be stupid to let this so when in a few years her sons won't give a shit what happens to her.

You are completely missing the point. Nobody cares if the marriage takes place within the context of a wedding, or is just a courthouse affair. I feel sorry for you if you really don't see how/why the OP's kids would be hurt if she goes ahead and marries secretly, wedding or no wedding.