How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe how many sahms on this site are making excuses for OP's wife -- that the trauma of not being able to have leisurely coffee with her friends every day in perpetuity is something he needs to gingerly tiptoe around.

The long and short of it is: OP had an oral understanding with his wife before they had kids. He married her and had kids with her with the understanding that she would continue working. It doesn't matter if OP makes $5 million a year. If that was the understanding, and OP isn't happy with it, then OP has a right to be asking questions and expect his wife to work.

Regardless, there are a million reasons you could want your spouse to work, other than just for paying day to day bills. They include (things i have heard first hand from friends with sah wives):

- wife is less interesting now that she's just doing yoga and hanging with friends and doing PTA. Not the same woman i married.
- don't respect wife who doesn't want to work
- annoyed/jealous that wife just does yoga and coffee while i have to work all day
- disappointed in wife who backed out on our deal
- DH is super stressed having all the financial burden on him
- wife is spending more money not working than working.
- every year wife doesn't work is a year extra i have to work for saving enough for retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Oh God. This is so gross. Must be a troll trying to make SAHM's look bad. I work full time but have many sah friends- there is no way that any of them would even think something like the above let alone vomit it out. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

So can OP decide to go very part time b/c that is his preferred lifestyle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

So can OP decide to go very part time b/c that is his preferred lifestyle?

He's the one who wants to change what seems to be working. She's just maintaining the status quo. If he wants to move to rural WV he probably could go PT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

So can OP decide to go very part time b/c that is his preferred lifestyle?

He's the one who wants to change what seems to be working. She's just maintaining the status quo. If he wants to move to rural WV he probably could go PT.

The status quo was she was going back to work as they agreed; she is the one changing terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

LOL - OP people are just bagging on you bc you are the DH and on DCUM DHs are expected to make 300k+ and DWs can flitter around and go to yoga and lunch all day. To the PP give me a break -- how many doctors appointments do healthy middle school kids really have? Maybe 1 a yr - if that? They are well past the age where they're getting ear infections every month. I imagine that if DW can get off her ass and pull in 50k or 75k or whatever -- OP will take an hr off work and take the kid to the dr. the next time a booster shot is needed.

[Anonymous]

OP - how much have you talked about this and in how much detail? As pretty much a single earning fed household -- I imagine you aren't maxing out your retirement or 529, right? Assuming your kids are 12-ish -- college is only 6 yrs off.

Sit her down and tell her - we need to save x amount more per yr. Talk to her about how working x hours/month allows her to bring home $Y - but if she upped that to 30 hrs a week, she'll bring in $Z amount more. Since you say she's in healthcare but works privately (so I assume something like home healthcare or the like), I assume she can pick up more hours without having to be at a full 40 hr week? If that's the case, don't let her pull any crap about being home for the kids bc middle school is SOOO tough (it's BS - there are middle schoolers w 2 WOHM parents and they turn out fine; sure sometimes it's nice to have mom home to discuss girl drama the moment you get off the bus but is it worth sacrificing 50k or 75k in income for the 2 times a yr the kid needs to have that conversation?? I'm sure the kid will appreciate that 50k much more when college time rolls around). In any event, being home for the kids isn't an issue given that she has a job option with flexible hours.

If after all this she doesn't want to -- it's bc she's used to a life of yoga, coffee, lunches, and most importantly NOT having a boss or any financial responsibilities on her bc it's your problem. In that case, I think you gradually start increasing 401k contributions, 529, IRAs - whatever isn't maxed out - and put her on a tighter allowance. If/when asked why, you let her know - as we talked about retirement and college is a priority so that's where the money has to go right now, sorry if that inconveniences your social life or clothing budget, if it's a huge problem for you - let's talk again how you can help the HHI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

[Anonymous]

Full time working mom here. She's gotten used to the lifestyle and doesn't want to give it up. Her family finances should come before having coffee with friends and no, as long as she's not working until 9pm her hours will be fine with middle schoolers in the afternoons. If she really won't make the change after you show her the budget, goals, and what it will take to hit those goals then I would consider cutting back her spending which will probably not go well but I don't know what else you could do.

I have a coworker who works part time, 1 kid is graduated but at home and the other is in high school. I know they could use the extra money but she refuses to work more hours. It's a lack of work ethic and being ok with just getting by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Ok, you are being silly. DH and I both work and we both put all activities in the Google calendar. It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

[Anonymous]

Not sure OP is around anymore, but the one thing to watch out for is that you are developing *CONTEMPT* for your wife, and that is one of the most difficult things for a marriage to survive.

Before you let things get that far (and it sounds like it's close), I agree with the PP saying you need to put her on a financial leash, even if it means cutting credit cards. If she doesn't like it, then she can work with you to create a budget you both agree on. FFS, you're not allowed to have a cleaning service when one spouse is part time and finances are tight!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.