How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Yep. And if you need to not work to keep your teens from having a drug problem or flunking out you've failed. End of story. If you are prepping kids for college and independence and they need mommy babysitting them that's a huge red flag of issues down the road.

I'm all for women staying home when kids are in school but admit it is for you not the kid, unless both parents don't have any flexibility which is rare in my circle at least.

At least volunteer or do something out of the house aside from coddle your teen. Or you will be the parents calling 25 year old Larla's boss complaining her year end review hurt her feelings and she doesn't feel valued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Yep. And if you need to not work to keep your teens from having a drug problem or flunking out you've failed. End of story. If you are prepping kids for college and independence and they need mommy babysitting them that's a huge red flag of issues down the road.

I'm all for women staying home when kids are in school but admit it is for you not the kid, unless both parents don't have any flexibility which is rare in my circle at least.

At least volunteer or do something out of the house aside from coddle your teen. Or you will be the parents calling 25 year old Larla's boss complaining her year end review hurt her feelings and she doesn't feel valued.

Haha! I have four college grads. You shouldn't make assumptions. When you can say the same, I might take your opinion more seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

Wasn't bitter. I am from the south and what you described sounded just like my friends back home.

Impressed you bought a home st 22, that definitely paid off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

Wasn't bitter. I am from the south and what you described sounded just like my friends back home.

Impressed you bought a home st 22, that definitely paid off.

I think a lot of parents in the dc area could choose to stay home for high school, but their kids wouldn't be home - I was nvwvwr home before 6 because I was a very competitor athlete and had practice - same with all of my friends. I guess summer maybe but I was away at sports camps mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

Wasn't bitter. I am from the south and what you described sounded just like my friends back home.

Impressed you bought a home st 22, that definitely paid off.

I think a lot of parents in the dc area could choose to stay home for high school, but their kids wouldn't be home - I was nvwvwr home before 6 because I was a very competitor athlete and had practice - same with all of my friends. I guess summer maybe but I was away at sports camps mostly.

I assume PP was taking the kids out sailing all summer, that's what my teacher parents did. It was a bad use of summer as far as college and sports prep, but got to spend a lot of time with my family (in my case that was not a good thing, sooo dysfunctional) but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

+1

This. I had a sister who was living this life right down to the dear in the headlights in regards to finances but my BIL really couldn't afford it so he finally reached his breaking point and started telling her almost every day that they were not rich, that she wasn't like her friends, and that the he was going to have to cut off her credit card. She didn't believe him and they had massive arguments. He finally just closed the cc account and kept the joint account with enough to cover bills. My sister freaked out one day when she went to the ATM with her friends only to discover she couldn't get even $20 out because the account had $10. She sent out some massive text to all our family and her DH's about how terrible he was and how he was depriving the kids, blah, blah, blah and his only reply was something snarky about my sister not being able to purchase her lattes. She took the kids (8 and 10 at the time) and went to one of her SIL's houses for a few days and told her DH that she was getting a divorce. Don't know all the ins and outs but a couple years later they have moved to a different community and my sister works close to full time in a medical office doing admin work. They live on the west coast btw where the cost of living is just as high as it is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

It's hard to have coffee after school drop off, squeeze in yoga and lunch while working full time. I can see why she won't give that up readily for some nebulous goals.

OP, since she has ceded the financial reigns to you, put her on a tight allowance -- basically saying most of money is spoken for Tsp 529s etc. I would setup automatic transfers, eliminate all credit cards, and give her one debit card which is tied to the account her allowance is deposited to.

If she really is feigning ignorance or can't grasp these things this is a prudent approach and ensures the needs of the family are met first.

+ 1

+2. I would just ramp up the savings and reduce the amount of money in the discretionary accounts. Also, I think you said you have a cleaning lady? I would cancel that service as well until your DW increases the number of hours she's willing to work.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to get her to work more hours unless you pack everything into your car and leave. Why should she change if the status quo is working fine for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

+1

This. I had a sister who was living this life right down to the dear in the headlights in regards to finances but my BIL really couldn't afford it so he finally reached his breaking point and started telling her almost every day that they were not rich, that she wasn't like her friends, and that the he was going to have to cut off her credit card. She didn't believe him and they had massive arguments. He finally just closed the cc account and kept the joint account with enough to cover bills. My sister freaked out one day when she went to the ATM with her friends only to discover she couldn't get even $20 out because the account had $10. She sent out some massive text to all our family and her DH's about how terrible he was and how he was depriving the kids, blah, blah, blah and his only reply was something snarky about my sister not being able to purchase her lattes. She took the kids (8 and 10 at the time) and went to one of her SIL's houses for a few days and told her DH that she was getting a divorce. Don't know all the ins and outs but a couple years later they have moved to a different community and my sister works close to full time in a medical office doing admin work. They live on the west coast btw where the cost of living is just as high as it is here.

I have another sister story. Similar facts, but my ex-BIL left her the minute the youngest was in college. It was crazy. She only got 5 years of alimony (to re-train at 52) and was completely shell shocked, but he was fairly open even in front of in-laws that he wanted my sister to work, didn't like being a sole breadwinner, and that this was a big issue in their marriage. Even I knew it. My sister just sort of laughed it off and like PPs had a social group and life with hobbies she didn't want to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Yep. And if you need to not work to keep your teens from having a drug problem or flunking out you've failed. End of story. If you are prepping kids for college and independence and they need mommy babysitting them that's a huge red flag of issues down the road.

I'm all for women staying home when kids are in school but admit it is for you not the kid, unless both parents don't have any flexibility which is rare in my circle at least.

At least volunteer or do something out of the house aside from coddle your teen. Or you will be the parents calling 25 year old Larla's boss complaining her year end review hurt her feelings and she doesn't feel valued.

Haha! I have four college grads. You shouldn't make assumptions. When you can say the same, I might take your opinion more seriously.

Nope, you are the ones making assumptions. I have no doubt it was different years ago when you were raising your teens, but for moms raising kids now, I can't fathom having them home every day after school. I have 2 - maybe it is different because we are in private with a lot of activities at the school and a big sports program, but every day after school they are busy with sports and activities, study groups, etc, until around 5:30. With telecommuting options, if they WERE home, DH and I are WFH between the two of us typically 3 days a week anyway, but like I said, my kids are involved in their activities. And we go to many of their games, as do many of the parents, most who work.

Great that your kids are launched and doing fine, but I would feel like a failure if I felt that by the time they were teens they needed a parent not in the workforce to keep them from pregnancy or drug addiction. Ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Yep. And if you need to not work to keep your teens from having a drug problem or flunking out you've failed. End of story. If you are prepping kids for college and independence and they need mommy babysitting them that's a huge red flag of issues down the road.

I'm all for women staying home when kids are in school but admit it is for you not the kid, unless both parents don't have any flexibility which is rare in my circle at least.

At least volunteer or do something out of the house aside from coddle your teen. Or you will be the parents calling 25 year old Larla's boss complaining her year end review hurt her feelings and she doesn't feel valued.

Haha! I have four college grads. You shouldn't make assumptions. When you can say the same, I might take your opinion more seriously.

Nope, you are the ones making assumptions. I have no doubt it was different years ago when you were raising your teens, but for moms raising kids now, I can't fathom having them home every day after school. I have 2 - maybe it is different because we are in private with a lot of activities at the school and a big sports program, but every day after school they are busy with sports and activities, study groups, etc, until around 5:30. With telecommuting options, if they WERE home, DH and I are WFH between the two of us typically 3 days a week anyway, but like I said, my kids are involved in their activities. And we go to many of their games, as do many of the parents, most who work.

Great that your kids are launched and doing fine, but I would feel like a failure if I felt that by the time they were teens they needed a parent not in the workforce to keep them from pregnancy or drug addiction. Ridiculous!

Agreed, my kids are in middle school and there are tons of clubs and activities after school so they usually take the late bus home (leaves school at 4:30). By the time they get home one of us is pulling in the driveway...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

OP wife is working part-time. He could also get a better job but chooses not to. Reality is he doesn't take off when the kids are sick, doesn't do transporting during work hours and flex to make activities. He probably doesn't do doctors appointments, dental appointments, eye appointments, do the shopping (clothing and food and other household), take off when house repairs are needed, etc. He may do some cleaning and laundry but its probably not 1/2 and maybe a few times a month. Cleaning the kitchen is very different from cleaning the house and laundry and house upkeep.

My husband says he cooks - maybe a few time a year if I do most of the prep. He drives to get carry out. He will load the dishes once or twice a month and say he cleaned the kitchen (still leaving a huge mess). My husband will say he does lots of things, but then there is reality. I do everything including taking care of his mom. He doesn't even buy his own underwear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

OP wife is working part-time. He could also get a better job but chooses not to. Reality is he doesn't take off when the kids are sick, doesn't do transporting during work hours and flex to make activities. He probably doesn't do doctors appointments, dental appointments, eye appointments, do the shopping (clothing and food and other household), take off when house repairs are needed, etc. He may do some cleaning and laundry but its probably not 1/2 and maybe a few times a month. Cleaning the kitchen is very different from cleaning the house and laundry and house upkeep.

My husband says he cooks - maybe a few time a year if I do most of the prep. He drives to get carry out. He will load the dishes once or twice a month and say he cleaned the kitchen (still leaving a huge mess). My husband will say he does lots of things, but then there is reality. I do everything including taking care of his mom. He doesn't even buy his own underwear.

You don't know that any of these things are true about the OP.

I'm a single mom and get all these things done with a full-time job - so it can be done. His wife just doesn't want to change her lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

OP wife is working part-time. He could also get a better job but chooses not to. Reality is he doesn't take off when the kids are sick, doesn't do transporting during work hours and flex to make activities. He probably doesn't do doctors appointments, dental appointments, eye appointments, do the shopping (clothing and food and other household), take off when house repairs are needed, etc. He may do some cleaning and laundry but its probably not 1/2 and maybe a few times a month. Cleaning the kitchen is very different from cleaning the house and laundry and house upkeep.

My husband says he cooks - maybe a few time a year if I do most of the prep. He drives to get carry out. He will load the dishes once or twice a month and say he cleaned the kitchen (still leaving a huge mess). My husband will say he does lots of things, but then there is reality. I do everything including taking care of his mom. He doesn't even buy his own underwear.

Just another SAHM trying to justify her existence...