How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

How many hours is she currently working per week?

[Anonymous]

If you haven't done the steps below, you haven't been very helpful:

1. Sit her down in front of a detailed budget. Walk her through it. Point out how your lives could improve, especially your daughters' opportunities, if you had more income.
Don't do this once, but keep referring to money every time you have the opportunity, when a good example crops up. Don't nag, use real concrete examples as they come. Keep explaining this. it cannot sink in all at once.

2. Examine how her personal life would change, and try to see where the rub is. Is she responsible for most of the housework? Can you get a cleaner?
Is she responsible for scheduling and managing everyone? That's a really tough job to outsource - are you willing to take this on, doctors and practices and rehearsals and meal planning and social events? The actual buying or driving is simple, but the mental burden of juggling it all in your head and staying on top of the calendar is exhausting.

3. Suggest a career coach and head-hunter. Consider whether she has ADHD (disorganization, poor time management) anxiety or something else which is hindering her potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

[Anonymous]

I work with tons of moms who have elementary and middle school kids. These moms work full time and make it all work. I think Some moms are responding here who don't work full time and so are a bit defensive about their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

OP - this is what you are ignoring. I have a friend in the same situation. Instead of working full time, she refuses to do so - I know it is because of her social circle. She would never, ever admit that. She would come up with some other excuse.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I have a question for OP. (other than the years-ago verbal agreement,) Why is the kids going to middle school the trigger for you wanting her to work full time?

Meaning, has the financial situation changed due to middle school? Is the school more expensive, or something in your lives become more expensive?

Or, have you been bleeding financially for years, and holding out until middle school assuming your DW would step up and rectify it?

Or, is everything the same money-wise, but you want a higher standard of living and assumed this would happen now based on your years-ago discussions? (not being critical here; just trying to understand)

I want to know the answer to this before I weigh in, because this will direct the OP's options imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

OP - this is what you are ignoring. I have a friend in the same situation. Instead of working full time, she refuses to do so - I know it is because of her social circle. She would never, ever admit that. She would come up with some other excuse.

OP, this is the reality -- SAHM don socialize with WOHM, it's not out of spite or anything it just doesn't fit in the way they live their lives. Effectively your DW will be 'moving away' and those friendships will fade. For her it will be a real sadness, to no longer spend her days with warm friends but instead start the working parent shuffle. Honestly it sounds like I will lead to divorce.

Focus on ways to better budget, maybe the allowance approach is best. What are the concrete needs that her income is needed for? Kids can get student loans, you have a pension, I assume mortgage is manageable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I have a question for OP. (other than the years-ago verbal agreement,) Why is the kids going to middle school the trigger for you wanting her to work full time?

Meaning, has the financial situation changed due to middle school? Is the school more expensive, or something in your lives become more expensive?

Or, have you been bleeding financially for years, and holding out until middle school assuming your DW would step up and rectify it?

Or, is everything the same money-wise, but you want a higher standard of living and assumed this would happen now based on your years-ago discussions? (not being critical here; just trying to understand)

I want to know the answer to this before I weigh in, because this will direct the OP's options imo.

I assume it's because in middle school kids are allowed to act independently -- no need for aftercare, they can take a bus on their own, even cook the family dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

[Anonymous]

What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

shouldnt you be baking cookies and giving BJs? I'm surprised your MAN let's use the internet, it's for adults you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

OP would probably be fine with her working a 7-3pm job. Middle schoolers can figure out how to catch the school bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.