How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

OP, you should tell her you are thinking of getting a night or weekend gig to make some extra money for college savings and see what she says in response. If she is horrified, that will tell you she at least cares about you and really is clueless about your financial picture. Then you can clue her in and I would bet that she would say she'll go back full time.

If she's indifferent to your working two jobs, then you have a different situation on your hands and you might want to think about a separation.

[Anonymous]

I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

Can you concretely characterize the daily workload the SAHM carries? I have three active Younger kids in the OP, and there are periods of planning, such as summer camps, or change of seasons for sports and activities. And then there's the taking the kids to the activities, but there really isn't that much time nothing like an actual job. I am not sure this is some kind of unified propaganda that SAHM use together to pull the wool over their breadwinners eyes over why they have to stay home.

It's not like OP career doesn't take investment in planning outside of his day-to-day work, maybe he is just punching it in, but in order to actually succeed and keep your job it takes more than just showing up for a paycheck. Further apparently he handles ALL financial affairs.

I don't think I can characterize it in that way. And I'm not saying she shouldn't work more. Remember that she is already working parttime and earning 20-30K a year, so it's not like she's spending all her time as a leach. I'm sure she could work harder. I'm sure you work harder than she does. Still, this situation may be better for this family than another. It's just important to keep all these things in mind when approaching her about this, and I want him to consider other ways his life will be affected when she is no longer as flexible as she has been for years. I have so many friends who work full time and get frustrated by husbands who still assume that those random, unpredictable parenting issues are the wife's to address most if not all of the time. I don't think OP should go in by putting her an allowance, but talking to her (again) about the need for a monthly budget and working together to figure out what that means is a good idea. It's necessary. He can show he's worried, if he is. That's part of being a spouse, to listen to and address each other's concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

I hope you two are preparing for when your kids go to college, because most likely those MEN you married will be dumping you for the young trophy second wives who they can enjoy their lives with. They are probably just staying with you until the kids leave the house.

Following your logic are you suggesting that WOHMs are too ugly to be supported by their husbands? And that they were never pretty enough to get a high earner in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

How often does that happen with MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. they can be home by themselves when sick. Can stay home on their for snow days. What am I missing here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

Can you concretely characterize the daily workload the SAHM carries? I have three active Younger kids in the OP, and there are periods of planning, such as summer camps, or change of seasons for sports and activities. And then there's the taking the kids to the activities, but there really isn't that much time nothing like an actual job. I am not sure this is some kind of unified propaganda that SAHM use together to pull the wool over their breadwinners eyes over why they have to stay home.

It's not like OP career doesn't take investment in planning outside of his day-to-day work, maybe he is just punching it in, but in order to actually succeed and keep your job it takes more than just showing up for a paycheck. Further apparently he handles ALL financial affairs.

I don't think I can characterize it in that way. And I'm not saying she shouldn't work more. Remember that she is already working parttime and earning 20-30K a year, so it's not like she's spending all her time as a leach. I'm sure she could work harder. I'm sure you work harder than she does. Still, this situation may be better for this family than another. It's just important to keep all these things in mind when approaching her about this, and I want him to consider other ways his life will be affected when she is no longer as flexible as she has been for years. I have so many friends who work full time and get frustrated by husbands who still assume that those random, unpredictable parenting issues are the wife's to address most if not all of the time. I don't think OP should go in by putting her an allowance, but talking to her (again) about the need for a monthly budget and working together to figure out what that means is a good idea. It's necessary. He can show he's worried, if he is. That's part of being a spouse, to listen to and address each other's concerns.

This woman has children in middle school and takes no responsibility for the family budget. You are giving way too much credit here. You seem to be assuming that she's coming from a place where she has considered the issues you raise and decided that this what works best for the family. I hear OP's post and picture someone who has put on blinders and wants to be taken care of.

[Anonymous]

OP what does she do? You said she's in private practice and makes a good hourly rate. Is it something intense like therapy and she doesn't feel she has the emotional bandwidth to do it full time?

That is something to consider as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

How often does that happen with MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. they can be home by themselves when sick. Can stay home on their for snow days. What am I missing here?

Snow days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

I hope you two are preparing for when your kids go to college, because most likely those MEN you married will be dumping you for the young trophy second wives who they can enjoy their lives with. They are probably just staying with you until the kids leave the house.

Following your logic are you suggesting that WOHMs are too ugly to be supported by their husbands? And that they were never pretty enough to get a high earner in the first place?

Probably some truth to that. Breadwinner types are pretty superficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

How often does that happen with MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. they can be home by themselves when sick. Can stay home on their for snow days. What am I missing here?

Snow days?

I literally said snow days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what does she do? You said she's in private practice and makes a good hourly rate. Is it something intense like therapy and she doesn't feel she has the emotional bandwidth to do it full time?

That is something to consider as well.

I didn't realize therapists never worked full time. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

How often does that happen with MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. they can be home by themselves when sick. Can stay home on their for snow days. What am I missing here?

Snow days?

I literally said snow days.

Fed and school snow days don't always overlap. School snow days go on much longer. (remember January 2016). That said, you can probably leave them in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what does she do? You said she's in private practice and makes a good hourly rate. Is it something intense like therapy and she doesn't feel she has the emotional bandwidth to do it full time?

That is something to consider as well.

I didn't realize therapists never worked full time. ?

Some do but others don't. She may feel that she is being inundated by other people's problems if she takes on too many patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I wasn't discounting this load, just want to make sure the OP realizes other ways his life will change if his wife works more. Often primary wage earners, men in particular, take for granted that their job is the priority and are less likely to be flexible when something comes up and one of the parents needs to take time off for the kids. Not having to worry about that because one parent is either SAHM or works parttime is HUGE.

Can you concretely characterize the daily workload the SAHM carries? I have three active Younger kids in the OP, and there are periods of planning, such as summer camps, or change of seasons for sports and activities. And then there's the taking the kids to the activities, but there really isn't that much time nothing like an actual job. I am not sure this is some kind of unified propaganda that SAHM use together to pull the wool over their breadwinners eyes over why they have to stay home.

It's not like OP career doesn't take investment in planning outside of his day-to-day work, maybe he is just punching it in, but in order to actually succeed and keep your job it takes more than just showing up for a paycheck. Further apparently he handles ALL financial affairs.

I don't think I can characterize it in that way. And I'm not saying she shouldn't work more. Remember that she is already working parttime and earning 20-30K a year, so it's not like she's spending all her time as a leach. I'm sure she could work harder. I'm sure you work harder than she does. Still, this situation may be better for this family than another. It's just important to keep all these things in mind when approaching her about this, and I want him to consider other ways his life will be affected when she is no longer as flexible as she has been for years. I have so many friends who work full time and get frustrated by husbands who still assume that those random, unpredictable parenting issues are the wife's to address most if not all of the time. I don't think OP should go in by putting her an allowance, but talking to her (again) about the need for a monthly budget and working together to figure out what that means is a good idea. It's necessary. He can show he's worried, if he is. That's part of being a spouse, to listen to and address each other's concerns.

This woman has children in middle school and takes no responsibility for the family budget. You are giving way too much credit here. You seem to be assuming that she's coming from a place where she has considered the issues you raise and decided that this what works best for the family. I hear OP's post and picture someone who has put on blinders and wants to be taken care of.

I don't know if it's that she wants to be taken care of, but it does seem like she's afraid of this discussion and the change in her life that may result. She may be insecure about losing her friendships as others have mentioned, or returning full time to the work force. Maybe OP needs to approach it with a point of understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

+1. My husband is a MAN and I am very thankful for that

I hope you two are preparing for when your kids go to college, because most likely those MEN you married will be dumping you for the young trophy second wives who they can enjoy their lives with. They are probably just staying with you until the kids leave the house.

Following your logic are you suggesting that WOHMs are too ugly to be supported by their husbands? And that they were never pretty enough to get a high earner in the first place?

Wrong. Logically speaking- two WOH parents are sharing far more than the OP. Data backs this up.
OTOH, very common for unequal relationships such as OP's and PP to end in divorce once kids are old enough.