How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

She works very part-time in a health field and makes maybe $20-$30 per year. She knows we could use the money (I'm a fed) and with our girls in middle school I think it's time for her to be working more. This was always the plan before kids. I've told her this and she says she doesn't know what to do, but the reality is that she has many girlfriends who work very little or not at all and she likes that lifestyle. If I were dead or we were divorced I know she would find full time work, so it's frustrating. I am not about ultimatums, but don't know what to do. We have discussed many times and it goes nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Can you approach it as a budget meeting instead (so she can see how your family needs more income)? Do you approach finances as a team?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Over the years I've tried to involve her in our finances and she acts like a deer in headlights. For years this has meant that all financial decisions are on me. That's not how I want it, but she acts like she doesn't understand when I know she could if she wanted to. I've even suggested taking a class of some sort to get the basics because I haven't been able to help her. Again she has had no interest.

[Anonymous]

That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

It's hard to have coffee after school drop off, squeeze in yoga and lunch while working full time. I can see why she won't give that up readily for some nebulous goals.

OP, since she has ceded the financial reigns to you, put her on a tight allowance -- basically saying most of money is spoken for Tsp 529s etc. I would setup automatic transfers, eliminate all credit cards, and give her one debit card which is tied to the account her allowance is deposited to.

If she really is feigning ignorance or can't grasp these things this is a prudent approach and ensures the needs of the family are met first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean you tell her and she says she doesn't know what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you tell her and she says she doesn't know what to do?

She likely hasn't worked for a decade. So online applications, LinkedIn, internet are all new for her. Then there is the existential question of what kind of work to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you tell her and she says she doesn't know what to do?

Op here. I mean she doesn't really want to work full-time in her current profession. News flash, I'd prefer that also with my career but it's not a choice. To PP, yes I could tighten her spending reins, but hate the idea of having to parent her. Something I should consider though.

[Anonymous]

She can't have it both ways. You either do what the person who controls the finances says or you get involved in the budget and downsize. She needs to make that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you tell her and she says she doesn't know what to do?

She likely hasn't worked for a decade. So online applications, LinkedIn, internet are all new for her. Then there is the existential question of what kind of work to do.

The OP says she works part time now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean you tell her and she says she doesn't know what to do?

She likely hasn't worked for a decade. So online applications, LinkedIn, internet are all new for her. Then there is the existential question of what kind of work to do.

The OP says she works part time now.

Then I got nothing, was giving her the benefit of the doubt. Can she just walk in and say 'put me down for 40 hours' ? B/c if she can it is pretty lame to not do so.

OP maybe look into her doing weekend or night work -- I have a physical therapist friend who does that so she can do the SAHM things but get almost 40 hours with 8 hr weekend days along with her part time now.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you have to move somewhere cheaper if she wants to stay home. You could worsen your commute, but I suspect that will get her attention

[Anonymous]

Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Read the OP, she agreed to this plan before kids. As a 50+ Fed, getting more $$$ is unrealistic. Glad your DH is PW enough to hustle though, but it doesn't seem to improve your mood.