How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my SIL. She hasn't had a job in over a decade and refuses to seriously look for work despite the fact that they live paycheck to paycheck. If a man pulled this he would be called lazy and a bum and people would push the wife to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to add that I have an hour commute one way and kids are on the challenging side. I guess all I'm trying to say is that let's not be so quick to judge. Everyone has unique situations and different capacities to handle their stuff along with varying amounts of help. WOH vs. SAH is a useless fight. Some weeks I wish I worked full time and other weeks I wish I worked less.

The "different capacities" comment is spot on.

But a DW whose DH wants her to work needs to work on increasing her capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

You clearly don't have kids in orthodontics! I work I a small office of women and with six kids in braces, we had about 1 appt every 10 days between us. We decidesd as a group to tell our DHs to take off to take them - so it is more equitable.

We picked an orthodontist within walking distance of our house so a parent didn't have to go to all the appointments.

Wow, what kind of a parent sends their kid alone to the orthodontist?
Never seen that in the orthos office.
I chose THE BEST orthodontist I could find. It's 50 min each way.
But yeah, my priorities are different.

Helicopter parent? We occasionally sent our children to the orthodontist without a parent. If there was a change that needed to be discussed, the assistant called one of the parents right during the appointment. There is no life scenario in which I am driving my children, with their perfectly average crooked teeth, 50 minutes each way every six weeks for two years to an orthodontist. Martyr much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

You clearly don't have kids in orthodontics! I work I a small office of women and with six kids in braces, we had about 1 appt every 10 days between us. We decidesd as a group to tell our DHs to take off to take them - so it is more equitable.

We picked an orthodontist within walking distance of our house so a parent didn't have to go to all the appointments.

Wow, what kind of a parent sends their kid alone to the orthodontist?
Never seen that in the orthos office.
I chose THE BEST orthodontist I could find. It's 50 min each way.
But yeah, my priorities are different.

Helicopter parent? We occasionally sent our children to the orthodontist without a parent. If there was a change that needed to be discussed, the assistant called one of the parents right during the appointment. There is no life scenario in which I am driving my children, with their perfectly average crooked teeth, 50 minutes each way every six weeks for two years to an orthodontist. Martyr much?

The need for someone to drive 50 minutes to the BEST orthodontist is how the PP justified to her DH that she absolutely could not possible go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

You clearly don't have kids in orthodontics! I work I a small office of women and with six kids in braces, we had about 1 appt every 10 days between us. We decidesd as a group to tell our DHs to take off to take them - so it is more equitable.

We picked an orthodontist within walking distance of our house so a parent didn't have to go to all the appointments.

Wow, what kind of a parent sends their kid alone to the orthodontist?
Never seen that in the orthos office.
I chose THE BEST orthodontist I could find. It's 50 min each way.
But yeah, my priorities are different.

Helicopter parent? We occasionally sent our children to the orthodontist without a parent. If there was a change that needed to be discussed, the assistant called one of the parents right during the appointment. There is no life scenario in which I am driving my children, with their perfectly average crooked teeth, 50 minutes each way every six weeks for two years to an orthodontist. Martyr much?

That's pretty crazy to me. I would not send a kid to the orthodontist alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to add that I have an hour commute one way and kids are on the challenging side. I guess all I'm trying to say is that let's not be so quick to judge. Everyone has unique situations and different capacities to handle their stuff along with varying amounts of help. WOH vs. SAH is a useless fight. Some weeks I wish I worked full time and other weeks I wish I worked less.

The "different capacities" comment is spot on.

But a DW whose DH wants her to work needs to work on increasing her capacity.

Perhaps OP's husband also has weeks when he wishes he worked less. Yet he goes to work every day, regardless of how he feels. What is this thing where adults are allowed to just do "what they feel"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

You clearly don't have kids in orthodontics! I work I a small office of women and with six kids in braces, we had about 1 appt every 10 days between us. We decidesd as a group to tell our DHs to take off to take them - so it is more equitable.

We picked an orthodontist within walking distance of our house so a parent didn't have to go to all the appointments.

Wow, what kind of a parent sends their kid alone to the orthodontist?
Never seen that in the orthos office.
I chose THE BEST orthodontist I could find. It's 50 min each way.
But yeah, my priorities are different.

Helicopter parent? We occasionally sent our children to the orthodontist without a parent. If there was a change that needed to be discussed, the assistant called one of the parents right during the appointment. There is no life scenario in which I am driving my children, with their perfectly average crooked teeth, 50 minutes each way every six weeks for two years to an orthodontist. Martyr much?

That's pretty crazy to me. I would not send a kid to the orthodontist alone.

Yeah I was pretty freaked about a tooth extraction and my orthodontist closed the door and yelled at me to get it together. It was humiliating and a little frightening asked my parents were in the waiting room. I don't want that sort ofd crap to happen to my kids and then they have to schlep homes alone

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a lovely man who is at his wit's end. I feel for you and all the other men who suffer in silence with this burden while their wives bully them into accepting a SAHM situation. I've heard it all from my girlfriends, from "it was all his idea really" this works better for our family" "I could be out there making all this money but I'm sacrificing for the good of the children"
If you get a few drinks in the husband and ask him what he really thinks, they're all like you. I've only ever met one man who was truly happy with his SAHM wife and the rest just weakly smile followed by a yes dear.
The burden of worrying whether you can manage food and roof over your head while also figuring out college savings/retirement is enough to drive a person insane.
My DH makes enough that I can stay at home. However, I am a lawyer in a very specialized field that can command a very nice 6 figure salary with a very flexible schedule. My income allows us to vacation, wear nice clothes, eat well, private school for kids, and amazing health insurance. It amazes me how many lists and studies women pull out to avoid working once they have kids. For every study that advocates mom's staying home, there's one that says working moms produce more successful daughters and courteous sons.
Sounds like you contribute equally to parenting and it's a shame your wife doesn't appreciate your efforts. I hope you follow the suggestions on this board and curb her spending allowance. When the cafe latte money dries up, she'll be loading up those hours.