Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

You've traveled a ton, it just isn't a preferred activity. Big whoop. Your dd is asking you to share in this amazing experience. This is a memory she will carry with her for the rest of her life. As long is isnt a financial strain, then go and relax when you come home since you are retired and have many years ahead to stay in your comfort zone 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you're in the wrong here. Your daughter needs to respect your wishes, which aren't baseless. You have legitimate responsibilities and things going on at home that make this trip difficult--she simply needs to accept that.

However, I'd think about planning something shorter and closer to home with her if you really think this is about spending time together. There are many, many places in the US that are beautiful and breathtaking and don't require as much of a trip or inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

I think this is 100% correct OP. I also think you are wise to know that it isn't going to work.

The fact is, while you can guess how you might likely react, there are no guarantees how you will actually react. I worked in the South Asia Bureau for years at the State Department and worked in India on several occasions. I lived in Bombay for half a year, and traveled all over on many different trips. My mom and I had traveled together many times in Europe and Hawaii, but she HATES crowds, downright abhors them, as well as disliking chaos. She had zero interest in India and made it clear. I never pushed it. Well, at 71 she ended up going on a group trip there, and she almost cancelled the night before due to a terror alert, yet somehow went on to get on the plane and.... she hated it. Just hated it...the first few days. But guess what? It grew on her, as India often does on people, and after her two week trip, she felt transformed in a way no other trip had done. And she is a total Francophile who lives in Paris each summer, so it's not like she hasn't bonded with other cultures. India was magical for her. She is still riding the high off her trip last November. My point is - don't go if it makes you feel comfortable to stay put, but do not assume you will have a horrible time. Everyone is shocked by the smells, sights and senses of India at first. It can be repelling in ways you never see here. But it also has a humanity that you will never witness in most other places on earth. And like my mom, it just may change your life.

[Anonymous]

I've been the daughter in this situation and I'd be hurt - especially if you use your travel discomfort or caring for animals as an excuse. It basically says these things matter more than you.

Her point of view:
She is having the experience of a lifetime. Probably really transformational. She wants you to know what it's like, to share it with you. That's a wonderful thing, an opportunity to grow closer and understand her better. Especially when she's presumably headed out on her own sometime soon.

If money were the issue, I'd be more understanding. But if it's not, use this as an opportunity to work on your anxiety (CBT is great for this). She will remember it forever.

[Anonymous]

"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

[Anonymous]

"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

this line stayed with me all day, and I am sad for you.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you're wrong that giving "reasons" will help. That just invites a repeat pattern of someone trying to help you make it workable. Just say you don't want to make the trip. Done. Talk about other things. Done.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter said "you're coming end of story" not because she's an entitled brat, but because she knows you. She knows you won't get out of your comfort zone unless someone demands it. Maybe if you go, you'll be posting here in a few months telling us all what a wonderful experience it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

And whose hometown do you go to? DH and I were not from the same area. My hometown has lots of jobs and careers, DH's just has a run down steel mill. My parents travel to see us constantly and love to vacation with us, dh's family can't afford to and also doesn't drive to us.

I fully plan on retiring where my grandchildren end up. That's what matters to me in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Yeah I think that's why everyone is saying that she needs to go. She sounds depressed. 60 is just entering the last 1/3 of her life, there's still so many more great years to go. If my mom told me that, I would want her to seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Yeah I think that's why everyone is saying that she needs to go. She sounds depressed. 60 is just entering the last 1/3 of her life, there's still so many more great years to go. If my mom told me that, I would want her to seek counseling.

Good lord, she just wants a stress-free life in her comfort zone as she continues to age. No way should she have to make a trip that frightens her or causes great discomfort. If DD has a modicum of sensitivity, she will get over it!

[Anonymous]

I think this is learned emotional manipulation by the daughter. Daughter's relationships will be healthier, with everyone, if this pattern doesn't continue.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP I hate India. Meet her in Dubai.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Wow, lots more responses when I had just presumed it would be a relatively short thread.

OK so here's where I am.

I appreciate all the posts on why it's great to travel and how much I would be missing out on, etc. I actually get that. I am grateful for travel experiences I've had in my life (and outside of the trips I mentioned with my kids I forgot to say I've also been to both soviet and post-soviet Russia, Australia and South Africa (for a wedding), pre-kids). So I don't feel I am missing out. And even if others think I am missing out, how am I harming your day by just wanting to stay home?

For those who think I'm closeting myself with all the pets, I freely admit it. I love animals and couldn't have any pets growing up. You can absolutely bet that the moment we closed on a house, I was right there at the shelter. I'm not at Lisa Vanderpump level with swans or anything but I love my pets and when I travel I worry about them. It's just another anxiety.

I've lived a productive life until now, but my basic question is doing something contrary to what my daughter wants, not asking for dcurbanmom to solve my travel anxiety. I have travel anxiety. I have traveled in my life anyway. I just don't want to go to India.

With regard to grandchildren, that's different. I would absolutely overcome my discomfort zone for that situation. But right now, i just get a headache trying to figure out a trip to India with a senior (her younger brother) applying to college and having to do all those visits to his acceptances in the short term and it's just too much damned traveling right now. It's a lot of things wrapped up together.

I think you are all right that I should just frame it in terms of all the issues - it's not the right time, too much to do here, it's not a time I want to travel so far away and I might even ruin your experience and damage our relationship if I don't have all the right reactions you expect.

In any event, getting therapy now is not going to change me in a few months.

I don't understand the angst and why DCUM is giving you grief. Just say no. You are the parent here - she can't MAKE you do anything. Just say it doesn't work for you - DD you already know I don't like traveling and India most certainly is not at the top of my list, esp given everything that I need to do here esp with your brother going off to college in a few months, right now it's more important that I travel with him to visit schools not go on an international vacay.

FWIW - I'm Indian and I dislike the thought of going to India. India in the summer - get ready for 110 weather with humidity. You never feel safe eating anything. And it's generally a dirty, gross country - save for the very lavish 5 stars but presumably once you get there your DD wouldn't want to spend 4 days with you in the Ritz, she'd want to take you all over to show you her life. Uh - no thanks, she can show you the pics.