Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should go if you really feel uncomfortable. Perhaps if you've tried to tell her it won't work and she's not hearing you, maybe frame it as "honey, I wish I was as adventurous as you are, but I just don't feel comfortable making this trip. I miss you so much and love seeing the pictures of where you are."

I'm sure she wants to show you where she's living, but as a potential compromise is there somewhere that you'd feel comfortable meeting her like London?

[Anonymous]

I think you should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your decision. You sound like my MIL though. She's missed out on a lot of life, including milestones time with grandkids because she won't push herself out of her comfort zone and visit. Expect this kind of attitude to strain your relationships with your kids and the spouses.

The better option would be to get help for your anxiety. CBT and talk therapy. And I say this as someone who has suffered from anxiety for my entire life.

Agreed. This makes me really sad that our inlaws don't travel with us. My sister has also never visited DC in the 10 years I've lived here.

[Anonymous]

Of course you don't have to go.

However, I think you should go. You're 60. If you're not going to push yourself outside your comfort zone, then I think you need to be ready to have a small life and probably one that doesn't include seeing your adult children or future grandchildren very much. As a PP said, this will strain and limit your relationships.

Get therapy for your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

I think this is 100% correct OP. I also think you are wise to know that it isn't going to work.

[Anonymous]

Is therapy really needed for something you don't want to cure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

It's certainly your prerogative to feel this way, but I find this mindset to be extremely depressing. You are 60. If all goes well, you have 25-30 more years left on this planet and hopefully at least 20 where you feel really good. And you just want to coast to death and not challenge yourself in any way?

To each her own, but no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

It's certainly your prerogative to feel this way, but I find this mindset to be extremely depressing. You are 60. If all goes well, you have 25-30 more years left on this planet and hopefully at least 20 where you feel really good. And you just want to coast to death and not challenge yourself in any way?

To each her own, but no thanks.

Look, OP has clearly done a lot of travelling in her time. It's not like she hasn't ever left the country. She knows what she's getting into and she also knows it makes her miserable. Her daughter is not going to change that with a trip to India (of all places.)

My kids wanted me to go to a big, heavy rock concert with them. No thanks. I have been to concerts before. I don't enjoy that particular kind of music and standing in a loud concert hall surrounded by screaming people isn't going to change me or make me like it better.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Those are massive issues to not have delt with for the last 40+ years.

[Anonymous]

Meet her in between. For example, in Dubai. Direct flights from both Washington and India. Less of a culture shock and hassle than India. They have very nice hotels there, so tell her you're treating her to a spa weekend or whatever.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did it before. You traveled the world despite your discomfort for/with your kid(s). It's not like you've never done it before, and she wants you to experience it.

I'd been in your daughter's camp before I read your update. You've done a lot for your kids already. Now you have to think about yourself.

Just tell her no. She would understand or someone tells her that she should consider her mother's feeling.

[Anonymous]

Stand firm, OP. You are teaching your daughter the value of accepting deep differences. I think your daughter should not let her life be defined by your limitations. I think it is perfectly valid for you to refuse to go. I would be honest about your reasons. You've already sacrificed what you were supposed to in order to raise her and she should be grateful. If you cannot relax and start living life on your terms at 60 when will you be able to?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you truly been honest with your family about the level of anxiety you feel about traveling? I grew up with an anxious mother who hid it from me and later my mother in law turned out to be the same way. I got hit with a phobia about driving on the freeway out of the blue in my 20s and I had no idea that my mom was also struggling with anxiety and that this was most likely inherited from her. As I've grown older, I've tried not to keep my anxiety a secret but to acknowledge and let people know I suffer from it. This has helped my daughter who also struggles with anxiety. She sees that it is possible to be open about it and deal with it in a productive manner.

So if you haven't already, you should tell your daughter about the depth of your anxiety and if she doesn't respect your wishes then, well that's her problem. But also she needs to know because she may find herself struggling with anxiety as she ages or her children may suffer from it.

But don't try to avoid talking about the anxiety by making up other excuses. You just don't want to deal with this because you can't deal with the anxiety. If she can't accept that, tough.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter sounds sweet, and it's wonderful that you have such a good relationship. I can totally relate to her - I studied abroad, and it was really comforting to have my mom come for a visit. I wanted her to see where I was living, meet my friends, and bring that sense of home and belonging. However, you obviously don't have an obligation to go, and you shouldn't if it will be logistically difficult and not enjoyable for you!

Say no, be firm, but also show that you understand her perspective/needs and express your appreciation for the invitation. She may not understand the barriers to you visiting, or she might be feeling rejected. Ask her to send lots of pictures of her apartment/friends/travel, etc. so she can share this experience with you from afar.