Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My very adventurous college age daughter is currently studying abroad in India for the year.
I am happy that she is doing what she wants to do, but I am not at all as adventurous, and travel and being out of my environment generally stresses me out. Don't get me wrong, I have traveled a lot internationally in my lifetime for various reasons, but I never really deep-down enjoyed it. I always endured a low-level of anxiety, preferred to stay in my hotel rooms as opposed to touring, and only felt relief again when arriving home. I'm now 60 and my ideal retirement is not having to go anywhere out of my comfort zone anymore. It is also difficult to leave my animals (horse, several dogs and cats) and two other teenagers. She is now making very loud noises about coming to stay with her for a week this summer and refusing to take no for an answer. ("MOM YOU ARE COMING THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY" was her response when I told her I appreciated the invitation but it is really too much of a trip for me). I feel really caught here and am not sure what to do. I know I am not going to go, but I'm not sure how to convey that to my daughter without having her permanently hold it against me. Maybe there's no play here at all except to endure her wrath. Help. |
Anonymous
| If she can't understand your feelings about this, then she is an insensitive twit whose wrath you shouldn't care about. |
Anonymous
|
This seems like a no-brainer, OP. "Sorry, honey, It's just not going to work. I love you, but that trip is too much for me to manage." The end.
Your money, your time, your life-- you decide. |
Anonymous
| I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her. |
Anonymous
|
Is there a comfort zone between the two of you that you can get to? Would a 5 star hotel in India be something you could handle -- there are some amazing ones there. Is there any chance you could meet somewhere?
I get it that this is hard on you and India is a major ask (I love it there but my DH would NEVER ever go) but your daughter really wants to share something with you. Can you figure out something to appease her? |
Anonymous
Did you read the OP? She's miserable travelling. And INDIA is about as foreign a place as you can get. Why would she set everyone up for failure? |
Anonymous
| your decision, OP! if I were you, I'd figure it out and go anyway. being out of my comfort zone is good for me, especially as I begin to feel my age. and your DD probably misses you! but I'm not you. "no, not going to do it." is perfectly adequate. she'll be frustrated, but such is life. you can't control other people. you can give her the same reasons you stated above. |
Anonymous
+1 Although, it sounds like OP may have already said this-so I'd try to still be kind but very clear and firm. "I don't want to make the trip and it's not something I will consider." |
Anonymous
|
I think you need to approach this from other angles than from the anxiety one--cost, vacation time, shots, leaving your other kids, dealing with the time adjustment for only a few days...all those things.
Tell her you wish you could, but this isn't one you can pull off. And also: Try some therapy for this anxiety, because if your daughter is spending a year in India, who knows where she will end up? And you're going to want to see her. |
Anonymous
|
Just say no.
Your daughter is spoiled. The notion that your college aged daughter would expect her mother to not only finance her trip to India but come visit her? While raising two other kids? No way. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like your daughter has some growing up to do. |
Anonymous
Agree. OP, tell her nicely but firmly --and if this is by phone, write out what you'll say to her, and how you'll answer questions. If it's by e-mail, do a few drafts first. Be brief but direct and emphasize how much you are glad she is having such a wonderful experience and how you look forward to hearing about it. But don't bring up how you're not adventurous or how you don't want to get outside your comfort zone. You have every right to feel that way, of course. But there's no need to make that a reason when you talk to her. She won't get it and will remember that forever and always think less of you for that, because she herself sees being in India as something that defines who she is. Tell her that you are so glad she wants to share it with you but.... Instead focus on the hard realities: You have a horse, who requires more care than if you were just putting up the cat or dog in a kennel for a week, or having a pet-sitter stop by once each day. And you have other children -- her younger siblings! -- and are not leaving them alone for a week, period. Your DD is likely to carp at you about how the teens are capable of caring for the animals on their own for ONE week but just put a smile into your voice when you talk to her and say, "Sorry, honey, I know that sounds like it's doable, but as a parent, I know I don't want Your Sibs here alone for a week right now. That's a call that I as a parent have to make." Then change the topic! If she really would visit her "wrath" on you -- that's a pretty telling word you used there -- she might be pretty intolerant of others' wants and needs. Is she like that in other areas of life, or is she just so wrapped up in the wonders of her current experience that she is blinded to the idea anyone else might not be as thrilled as she is? I hope the latter is the case, and that she's just so enthralled that she wants to share that and isn't mature enough yet to know how to take no for an answer.... Just go into the conversation (or the e-mail) prepared and having thought through what you'll say to all her objections like how her siblings shouldn't be coddled by you or how you are too scared. Do not rise to the bait if she goes on in that way. Just be firm, do not over-explain your reasons, and change the topic or have a reason to get off the phone or end the e-mail (I have to go feed the horse/have to pick up your sister now/whatever). |
Anonymous
|
It's your decision. You sound like my MIL though. She's missed out on a lot of life, including milestones time with grandkids because she won't push herself out of her comfort zone and visit. Expect this kind of attitude to strain your relationships with your kids and the spouses.
The better option would be to get help for your anxiety. CBT and talk therapy. And I say this as someone who has suffered from anxiety for my entire life. |
Anonymous
|
My mom died when I was 3, my dad when I was 24 and in grad school (500 miles away). I never moved back home once I got into my career. My step mother and I have a good relationship and I currently live in the same town as her lifelong best friend. She WILL NOT travel to visit us. We have an airport nearby, it is a quick and easy trip. It's just not who she is. She doesn't like travel, traveling alone is stressful for her, she has pets and horses and a dad in a nursing home. I've just accepted that I will visit 3-4 times a year and that's that. I telecommute so I often stay 2 weeks at a time and just work ny usual schedule and spend evenings and weekends with her.
You do what is right for you. Your daughter may be feeling homesick and that's why she's so adament, but she will survive. |
Anonymous
|
OP you can have a top. notch luxury vacation in India for a fraction of the cost in the US. Just keep that in mind.
Any chance you could meet her part way. Would you be willing to meet her in the Middle East somewhere. Doha, Abu Dhabi something like that might be more comfortable for you. But if you really can't do it she needs to take no for an answer. Not everyone loves travel. |