Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like the sort of person who would settle down permanently overseas. If you visit, she'll know that she can cajole you into visiting regularly and she won't think twice about living abroad permanently. If you don't, she may be mad/irritated/etc. but she'd know before any long-term decisions that she shouldn't expect regular visits from you.

OP, you should try to emotionally manipulate your daughter so that she makes the life choices that are more convenient for you. Sound advice.

Sounds like the OP's daughter is the one that is manipulating emotions and isn't taking no for an answer. It's not about forcing OP's daughter to stay locally versus living abroad. It's about letting OP's daughter know that if she does choose to live overseas, her mom won't necessarily be willing to visit her as frequently as she would like.

[Anonymous]

People like OP make me even more thankful for my parents. The second my sisters or I ask them if they want to join us on anything, the answer is always yes. And we have so much fun together! I'd hate my life if my mom had unresolved psychiatric issues that she REFUSED to address and planned on not addressing for another 30 years. Sorry, OP, but your daughter isn't the one with issues, like everyone else here has said. YOU are the one with issues. And it breaks my heart that you refuse to address them so that you can experience these things with your daughter. What if she loves India so much that she decides that's where she wants to live and start a life after college? And you have grandkids who live in India? Are you going to play these games with her then? You seriously need therapy and you need to rethink YOUR choices. Just because your parents had you moving around through your youth doesn't mean you get to take it out on your daughter now. You need a healthy dose of reality, something most people here on DCUM won't give you. But thanks to you, I'm going to call my parents now and thank them for being normal, loving, fun, and adventurous. I certainly lucked out. If only your daughter had, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Good lord people. OP is saying she doesn't want to take a trip to INDIA to see her COLLEGE-AGED daughter. She didn't say she'll never step foot on a plane or train again. The daughter isn't even out of college! Calm down with the doom and gloom.

[Anonymous]

I've travelled all through Europe, South American, North Africa and parts of the Middle East. Indian was a true culture shock even to my well travelled sensibilities. The chasm between the rich and the dire poverty one sees there. The streets packed with rickshaws, animals and a Mercedes benz all next to each other. The overwhelming smells and magnitude of people...stay home OP. I don't think you could handle it!

[Anonymous]

She does not get to tell other people what to do. She is in control of herself, not others. You've made your decision. You are an adult. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

OP has every right not to make this trip solely to please her daughter. As she said, she's taken the daughter on many international trips and this one just is not for her.

I love traveling and would have loved if my parents joined me on many of my trips, but I recognize their limitations, be it financial or psychological. We relate on other things. Traveling alone does not make or break our relationship or even affect it that much.

But there are ways for the OP to stay close to her daughter. She could ask questions and show her interest in what the daughter experiences in India, ask to see pictures and hear the story behind each of them.

[Anonymous]

As someone who suffers from anxiety, with a mother who has debilitating anxiety and who can't see how she's wasted her life by doing nothing (seriously, sitting on her couch all day for years), I hope that you will reconsider what is really feasible for you and how much you can stretch.

[Anonymous]

My mother didn't like to travel, either. The only time she came to visit me here (300 mi trip) is when I had cancer. It's just who she was and I don't hold it against her. (I'm not a bratty millennial, though)

[Anonymous]

OP, you can say no, but then don't complain when you are lonely in 10 years and she has stopped inviting you to participate in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to approach this from other angles than from the anxiety one--cost, vacation time, shots, leaving your other kids, dealing with the time adjustment for only a few days...all those things.

Tell her you wish you could, but this isn't one you can pull off.

And also: Try some therapy for this anxiety, because if your daughter is spending a year in India, who knows where she will end up? And you're going to want to see her.

I get the OP. I'm older as well. Touring India is not on my bucket list. The DD wants to see Mom and share India. So many people get various digestive tract issues ... I wouldn't call it anxiety but rather the desire to stay with the horses, dogs, lovely home environment in pleasant weather. We were going to travel-Greek Islands, Italy, etc . Numerous people had the same idea and all ended up not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Good lord people. OP is saying she doesn't want to take a trip to INDIA to see her COLLEGE-AGED daughter. She didn't say she'll never step foot on a plane or train again. The daughter isn't even out of college! Calm down with the doom and gloom.

Yeah, she said being outside of her environment stresses her out and that she plans to stay in her comfort zone for the rest of her life. I don't think it's misreading to think she won't be getting on a whole lot of planes and trains to visit anyone anytime soon.

I agree with all the posters who say you should do what works for you OP. I also agree with everyone saying this will have an impact on your relationship with your adult children and future grandchildren. How could it not? But that's fine. Life is full of tradeoffs.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter, being young and adventurous, doesn't understand why it's miserable for you to travel. This is where you stop spoiling her, and stand up to her for once. She's not going to understand, but she needs to respect you and your decisions. She needs to learn that peoples' differences are valid.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are allowed a preference. Teach your DD this. You owe no one an explanation.

For future requests from anyone, regarding anything, repeat as you desire.

[Anonymous]

As you get older, travelling, even the easiest route, is not easy anymore. You get tired, more than the younger person, and usually take longer time to recover, even when we're healthy and wealthy. Why can't the younger generation understand that. We done it in our youth. We got the final say when we're older, whether we can to travel or not. Because in the end we are the one who suffers the body ache etc.