Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wouldn't travel to India for anybody! LOL But seriously, flying out so far for a week will be torturous. If you end up going, you and DD should commit to a couple of weeks at least. Maybe stress to DD that you don't want to live the teens by themselves. It's a better reason than "I won't leave my comfort zone."

I'm flummoxed by this thread because no one seems to be recognizing that traveling to India is a much, much bigger ask than traveling to the US, Europe or even Japan or Australia. It's difficult and stressful.

The OP has a full, stressful life and lots of responsibilities. She can still take lots of trips to other places and if she was on here saying she also didn't want to visit her daughter when she is living in Ohio or even London, I could see the response.

OP, you should tell your daughter that you love her, but given your responsibilities right now, you are not able to make it to India right now. Tell her that you look forward to a trip together in the future, even and think about that. But I think it's not fair of your children to demand these things. I agree with others that perhaps your DH or even a sibling (if she has an older sibling) could go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your decision. You sound like my MIL though. She's missed out on a lot of life, including milestones time with grandkids because she won't push herself out of her comfort zone and visit. Expect this kind of attitude to strain your relationships with your kids and the spouses.

The better option would be to get help for your anxiety. CBT and talk therapy. And I say this as someone who has suffered from anxiety for my entire life.

Sorry, OP, but this poster is right on. I have traveled all over the place and now live with my family (husband and three kids) in Europe. For my entire life, my parents have come visit me, no matter where I am, and have always encouraged me to dream big. I know it hasn't been easy for them; they're both from a small town in the middle of the US and have lived there their entire lives, but what memories we have together. Your daughter may seem young/immature/selfish to you, but she wants to share this with you! Imagine if the opposite were true. Now that I'm older, I treasure the memories of my parents visiting (they still visit us, by the way). Contrast to my mother in law, who, despite being from a large US city and being younger than my parents, refuses to travel to visit us unless my father in law can come (he works, so it's harder for him to get away). She wouldn't even fly from Boston to DC, when we lived there (and we are the parents to her only grandchildren). She is a wonderful person, and my children adore her, but it is such a loss that she cannot get over her anxieties about flying/being in foreign places to be a more active participant in her grandchildren's lives. I really think you should consider the advice to work on your fears rather than letting your daughter down. And even better would be to take your other children with you, if you can swing that. What an experience for them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

It's certainly your prerogative to feel this way, but I find this mindset to be extremely depressing. You are 60. If all goes well, you have 25-30 more years left on this planet and hopefully at least 20 where you feel really good. And you just want to coast to death and not challenge yourself in any way?

To each her own, but no thanks.

My grandmother, when my grandfather died at age 66, had never put gas in her car, mow the lawn, plan any trips... By the time she died last year at 88, she had been to Africa three times (with her older sister!) and Europe twice. You are not too old to change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can say no, but then don't complain when you are lonely in 10 years and she has stopped inviting you to participate in her life.

+1

My first thought is congratulations on your daughter not inheriting your anxiety; my second thought is BOY you are missing out on a LOT!

+1. You should call her on the phone and make sure there isn't something wrong. I would be wondering if there is something she wants to tell me.

[Anonymous]

Say you are allergic to Indian food such as curry and garam masala. Then she will need to figure out what you can eat there.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed at this thread.

Anyway,

OP: this is what I would say to your daughter:

"Honey, I was so pleased to receive your invitation to join you in India for a week. I'm so proud of you and your independent spirit and willingness to tackle travelling and living in what must be a very challenging place. I know you must be having a fabulous experience and I know you feel so strongly about it that you want to share it with me. I do understand it and it thrills me that my daughter is thinking of me even from the other side of the world.

However, it really is not going to be possible for me to join you in India for a week. I do regret it for I would love to see you. But life is a bit more complicated than just being able to take a week off and fly to India, regretfully. However, I very eagerly look forward to seeing you when you return and I want to hear all your stories and see all your pictures of India."

[Anonymous]

Get help with your anxieties now ... This is just the beginning of pushing your family away. Unless you love horses more than grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Who are you? A spoiled brat?

Not wanting to go to India is not tantamount to pushing your family away.

Anonymous wrote:Get help with your anxieties now ... This is just the beginning of pushing your family away. Unless you love horses more than grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you? A spoiled brat?

Not wanting to go to India is not tantamount to pushing your family away.

Anonymous wrote:Get help with your anxieties now ... This is just the beginning of pushing your family away. Unless you love horses more than grandchildren.

PP, I think you are missing the point. Many of us responding can fully understand not going to India, but we also think there were a thousand red flags in the OP's posts that suggests she'd probably say "no" to many fun things. In fact, at least for me it was the follow-up post, with the myriad reasons for not going to India that made me worry about the OP and anxiety. India may be too big of a lift, and that's fine but I have a feeling this OP wouldn't even want to go to Orlando.