Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Is this THAT big of a deal? I can see feeling that way at 60. Truthfully I kind of feel that way at 36. All the "exciting" stuff is over - school; starting a career; moving around etc. Now it's just the same slog for 30 yrs . . . if I feel like this at 36, I can't imagine NOT feeling like that at 60. Is this really SO unusual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Is this THAT big of a deal? I can see feeling that way at 60. Truthfully I kind of feel that way at 36. All the "exciting" stuff is over - school; starting a career; moving around etc. Now it's just the same slog for 30 yrs . . . if I feel like this at 36, I can't imagine NOT feeling like that at 60. Is this really SO unusual?

[Anonymous]

Boomers are coasting to the finish line. That's why they don't help us with our dcs. Even when our dcs are in the hospital and we have other dcs to take care of, and they're retired and vacationing all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

And whose hometown do you go to? DH and I were not from the same area. My hometown has lots of jobs and careers, DH's just has a run down steel mill. My parents travel to see us constantly and love to vacation with us, dh's family can't afford to and also doesn't drive to us.

I fully plan on retiring where my grandchildren end up. That's what matters to me in life.

Lol we'll see about that when you have grandly day. And that's only if your dil will let you. I wouldn't want someone as judgmental and as insufferable around my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

More DCUM closed mindedness. Your sister didn't move to New Zealand because she couldn't have a career in the states she moved because she wanted to be posh and tell everyone she was living on the other side of the world the same is true for you. You do didn't need two cars and 6 figure incomes you wanted it and you wanted to brag to your flyover friends you had made it in the city. Spare me the dramatics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Is this THAT big of a deal? I can see feeling that way at 60. Truthfully I kind of feel that way at 36. All the "exciting" stuff is over - school; starting a career; moving around etc. Now it's just the same slog for 30 yrs . . . if I feel like this at 36, I can't imagine NOT feeling like that at 60. Is this really SO unusual?

I'm 53. I don't feel like I did at 36, and many things are winding down, but other things are replacing them. But no, I don't want to gently coast to the finish line. I want to keep doing well what I do at work until I retire. I've got decades left. Coast for decades? NO WAY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Yeah I think that's why everyone is saying that she needs to go. She sounds depressed. 60 is just entering the last 1/3 of her life, there's still so many more great years to go. If my mom told me that, I would want her to seek counseling.

Good lord, she just wants a stress-free life in her comfort zone as she continues to age. No way should she have to make a trip that frightens her or causes great discomfort. If DD has a modicum of sensitivity, she will get over it!

Actually, she sounds like my grandmother did at that age - not a happy woman. She was widowed a bit before sixty and "coasted" for nearly 40 more years never really engaging deeply in anything or anyone. What a waste. I really don't have an opinion one way or another on whether the trip is the right choice, but "gently coasting" sounds like despair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't want to inconvenience herself to come visit me somewhere new. I would be understanding if it was a money issue. What a great way to bond and strengthen relationship.

And maybe your mom would be heartbroken that her daughter is so selfish that she decides that her mother has to do everything the daughter decrees, under the header of "strengthening the relationship." That her daughter can't step outside of herself for just a moment to stop and think that maybe she's asking more of her mother than she really should.

Guess what, daughters--your mothers aren't perfect. They are their own human beings. They won't always do what you want them to do. They do from time to time make decisions based on their own needs, not yours.

+1

Also, Mom also has the RESPONSIBILITY for the care of two younger siblings. Mom should not shortchange their needs just because the oldest wants her. Time for her to grow up.

I agree with this too. I find this attitude is prevalent among GenX people. Which is funny since they complain about Boomers and Millennials

Wow! You know all ten of us and can say that this is how we act? Yes, I know there is more but our generation feels small compared to Boomers and millennials.

[Anonymous]

Op,

I think you have the right to do what you want with your time and money. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DD so I doubt you not going on this one trip will change that. On a side note, when people move away from family they can't expect everyone to jump and visit them. There is only so much time, energy and money anyone has and to visit somewhere you don't want to be is unfair.

My brother moved somewhere I don't want to visit and I've offered to meet somewhere else close but, he can't do that. So, I will probably wait to see them when they get back! No one can force you do something you don't want to do...even brothers and daughters.

[Anonymous]

"Coast to the finish line?"

This is the best argument I've seen for not having children late in life. I sure hope I don't feel this way. I'm hoping the good part about being an older parent is the flexibility to do some of this stuff with older children!

-- signed, someone who will be 60 when her last child graduates high school

[Anonymous]

OP, I know it feels like a very serious issue (to your daughter) right now, but come on. She's college age. Nothing you do right now will merit a mention five years from today. She's a kid. Kids don't get to tell adults what to do. Tell her you are not going, hang up, and everyone will get over it Just Fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People like OP make me even more thankful for my parents. The second my sisters or I ask them if they want to join us on anything, the answer is always yes. And we have so much fun together! I'd hate my life if my mom had unresolved psychiatric issues that she REFUSED to address and planned on not addressing for another 30 years. Sorry, OP, but your daughter isn't the one with issues, like everyone else here has said. YOU are the one with issues. And it breaks my heart that you refuse to address them so that you can experience these things with your daughter. What if she loves India so much that she decides that's where she wants to live and start a life after college? And you have grandkids who live in India? Are you going to play these games with her then? You seriously need therapy and you need to rethink YOUR choices. Just because your parents had you moving around through your youth doesn't mean you get to take it out on your daughter now. You need a healthy dose of reality, something most people here on DCUM won't give you. But thanks to you, I'm going to call my parents now and thank them for being normal, loving, fun, and adventurous. I certainly lucked out. If only your daughter had, too.

You should seriously revisit the concept of boundaries. Your parents travel because they WANT to travel. THAT is their comfort zone. You people all ganging up on OP telling her she should step over her preferences and choices to fit into your mold of what a grandparent should be like are ridiculous and selfish. She DOESN'T WANT TO GO. Seeing as she has raised a child, I am sure she has done PLENTY of things she didn't feel like doing - like wiping her ass and getting up in the middle of the night. Now it's her time to do what she wants. Perhaps the college-age child should push herself out of the comfort zone of wanting mommy all the freaking time.

Parents are not extensions of you. They are actual people, with thoughts, feelings and preferences of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Good lord people. OP is saying she doesn't want to take a trip to INDIA to see her COLLEGE-AGED daughter. She didn't say she'll never step foot on a plane or train again. The daughter isn't even out of college! Calm down with the doom and gloom.

Yeah, she said being outside of her environment stresses her out and that she plans to stay in her comfort zone for the rest of her life. I don't think it's misreading to think she won't be getting on a whole lot of planes and trains to visit anyone anytime soon.

I agree with all the posters who say you should do what works for you OP. I also agree with everyone saying this will have an impact on your relationship with your adult children and future grandchildren. How could it not? But that's fine. Life is full of tradeoffs.

Maybe you should let the OP tell you what her comfort zone is instead of filling the blanks you need to project whatever story is in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you get older, travelling, even the easiest route, is not easy anymore. You get tired, more than the younger person, and usually take longer time to recover, even when we're healthy and wealthy. Why can't the younger generation understand that. We done it in our youth. We got the final say when we're older, whether we can to travel or not. Because in the end we are the one who suffers the body ache etc.

Most people on this thread are saying they understand that some older people feel this way (by the way, many older people do not). No problem, of course then don't travel. However, than don't expect to see your adult children and their families much if they live reasonably far away. That's what people are pointing out to the OP. You, the older generation, are presumably retired and free time to travel at off (cheaper) times, travel leisurely, etc. The younger generation does not. You, the older generation, are one or two people at most and can pay for plane tickets or hotel rooms accordingly. Sorry, but I can't afford 5 plane tickets to visit you and 2 hotel rooms because your house is tiny more than 1x every 1-2 years.

And in my case, at least, truly no hard feelings. But it's just leading very separate lives. That's all anyone is pointing out to the OP.

Dude, she has two teenagers and animals at home who need her. Hardly a life of leisure.

[Anonymous]

There's a LOT of projecting in this thread.