Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can say no, but then don't complain when you are lonely in 10 years and she has stopped inviting you to participate in her life.

+1

My first thought is congratulations on your daughter not inheriting your anxiety; my second thought is BOY you are missing out on a LOT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you get older, travelling, even the easiest route, is not easy anymore. You get tired, more than the younger person, and usually take longer time to recover, even when we're healthy and wealthy. Why can't the younger generation understand that. We done it in our youth. We got the final say when we're older, whether we can to travel or not. Because in the end we are the one who suffers the body ache etc.

Most people on this thread are saying they understand that some older people feel this way (by the way, many older people do not). No problem, of course then don't travel. However, than don't expect to see your adult children and their families much if they live reasonably far away. That's what people are pointing out to the OP. You, the older generation, are presumably retired and free time to travel at off (cheaper) times, travel leisurely, etc. The younger generation does not. You, the older generation, are one or two people at most and can pay for plane tickets or hotel rooms accordingly. Sorry, but I can't afford 5 plane tickets to visit you and 2 hotel rooms because your house is tiny more than 1x every 1-2 years.

And in my case, at least, truly no hard feelings. But it's just leading very separate lives. That's all anyone is pointing out to the OP.

[Anonymous]

India in the summer sucks. It's damned hot. And you need to avoid monsoon season. Can you go pretty soon, while the temps are lower? That said, if you REALLY don't want to go and can't muster any enthusiasm for it whatsoever, then just gently but firmly tell her you're not going but would happily travel somewhere else with her when she's done in India.

[Anonymous]

OP, so what is the problem -- that you'll feel guilty for not doing this for your daughter? That your daughter will take it badly? I wouldn't worry about your daughter feeling upset or feeling guilty. Children need to learn to take "no" for an answer. If your daughter hasn't learned that yet, you've done her a disservice, as that will cause her problems in other adult relationships. It's okay to not want to do this for her this time. It doesn't mean you'll never travel to see her again. Just tell her, "Sorry sweetie, this trip is not going to happen. And repeat as often as necessary.

I totally get your not wanting to travel. I'm the same age, and I'm also tired of traveling and just want to stay put for a while.

[Anonymous]

I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't want to inconvenience herself to come visit me somewhere new. I would be understanding if it was a money issue. What a great way to bond and strengthen relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't want to inconvenience herself to come visit me somewhere new. I would be understanding if it was a money issue. What a great way to bond and strengthen relationship.

And maybe your mom would be heartbroken that her daughter is so selfish that she decides that her mother has to do everything the daughter decrees, under the header of "strengthening the relationship." That her daughter can't step outside of herself for just a moment to stop and think that maybe she's asking more of her mother than she really should.

Guess what, daughters--your mothers aren't perfect. They are their own human beings. They won't always do what you want them to do. They do from time to time make decisions based on their own needs, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't want to inconvenience herself to come visit me somewhere new. I would be understanding if it was a money issue. What a great way to bond and strengthen relationship.

And maybe your mom would be heartbroken that her daughter is so selfish that she decides that her mother has to do everything the daughter decrees, under the header of "strengthening the relationship." That her daughter can't step outside of herself for just a moment to stop and think that maybe she's asking more of her mother than she really should.

Guess what, daughters--your mothers aren't perfect. They are their own human beings. They won't always do what you want them to do. They do from time to time make decisions based on their own needs, not yours.

+1

Also, Mom also has the RESPONSIBILITY for the care of two younger siblings. Mom should not shortchange their needs just because the oldest wants her. Time for her to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Wow, lots more responses when I had just presumed it would be a relatively short thread.

OK so here's where I am.

I appreciate all the posts on why it's great to travel and how much I would be missing out on, etc. I actually get that. I am grateful for travel experiences I've had in my life (and outside of the trips I mentioned with my kids I forgot to say I've also been to both soviet and post-soviet Russia, Australia and South Africa (for a wedding), pre-kids). So I don't feel I am missing out. And even if others think I am missing out, how am I harming your day by just wanting to stay home?

For those who think I'm closeting myself with all the pets, I freely admit it. I love animals and couldn't have any pets growing up. You can absolutely bet that the moment we closed on a house, I was right there at the shelter. I'm not at Lisa Vanderpump level with swans or anything but I love my pets and when I travel I worry about them. It's just another anxiety.

I've lived a productive life until now, but my basic question is doing something contrary to what my daughter wants, not asking for dcurbanmom to solve my travel anxiety. I have travel anxiety. I have traveled in my life anyway. I just don't want to go to India.

With regard to grandchildren, that's different. I would absolutely overcome my discomfort zone for that situation. But right now, i just get a headache trying to figure out a trip to India with a senior (her younger brother) applying to college and having to do all those visits to his acceptances in the short term and it's just too much damned traveling right now. It's a lot of things wrapped up together.

I think you are all right that I should just frame it in terms of all the issues - it's not the right time, too much to do here, it's not a time I want to travel so far away and I might even ruin your experience and damage our relationship if I don't have all the right reactions you expect.

In any event, getting therapy now is not going to change me in a few months.

[Anonymous]

OP. I've been in your exact situation regarding the college student in India (in our case, Delhi). The answer for me was: you go. You go for a week, you take it easy when you are there, and meet her friends and see her university. You do a couple hours a day of stuff with her and a couple hours of hanging at the hotel with her watching movies or looking at the pictures on her phone from her semester so far, or whatever. Treat her to nice meals. Bring the stuff from home that she needs (or just some of her favorite foods!). You go, you come back. You stop overthinking it. She wants to know you care about her AND her experience and wants to share it with you. And she's probably a little homesick.

Do not tell your daughter you need to stay home for your pets. Or for her siblings. Or because you no longer feel adventurous. You can make arrangements to be away for a week. She is doing a super courageous and difficult thing. You can do the courageous thing too and go to her. She needs her mom. They won't admit it at this age, but they do.

You have to put as much time into the relationship with your young adult daughter as you did when she was younger. This is the age when that relationship can go either way and set a trajectory for years to come. Please go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very adventurous college age daughter is currently studying abroad in India for the year.

I am happy that she is doing what she wants to do, but I am not at all as adventurous, and travel and being out of my environment generally stresses me out. Don't get me wrong, I have traveled a lot internationally in my lifetime for various reasons, but I never really deep-down enjoyed it. I always endured a low-level of anxiety, preferred to stay in my hotel rooms as opposed to touring, and only felt relief again when arriving home. I'm now 60 and my ideal retirement is not having to go anywhere out of my comfort zone anymore.

It is also difficult to leave my animals (horse, several dogs and cats) and two other teenagers.

She is now making very loud noises about coming to stay with her for a week this summer and refusing to take no for an answer. ("MOM YOU ARE COMING THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY" was her response when I told her I appreciated the invitation but it is really too much of a trip for me).

I feel really caught here and am not sure what to do. I know I am not going to go, but I'm not sure how to convey that to my daughter without having her permanently hold it against me. Maybe there's no play here at all except to endure her wrath.

Help.

I think you have horribly spoiled your daughter if you can't tell your 24 year old that you are not comfortable traveling at this time.

I think you have horribly spoiled your daughter that she feels comfortable speaking to you this way, and that you have such stress about telling her no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can say no, but then don't complain when you are lonely in 10 years and she has stopped inviting you to participate in her life.

+1

My first thought is congratulations on your daughter not inheriting your anxiety; my second thought is BOY you are missing out on a LOT!

You and pp need to grow the hell up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so what is the problem -- that you'll feel guilty for not doing this for your daughter? That your daughter will take it badly? I wouldn't worry about your daughter feeling upset or feeling guilty. Children need to learn to take "no" for an answer. If your daughter hasn't learned that yet, you've done her a disservice, as that will cause her problems in other adult relationships. It's okay to not want to do this for her this time. It doesn't mean you'll never travel to see her again. Just tell her, "Sorry sweetie, this trip is not going to happen. And repeat as often as necessary.

I totally get your not wanting to travel. I'm the same age, and I'm also tired of traveling and just want to stay put for a while.

All of this. I'm only 32 and I still enjoy travels but I would never dream of acting like OP's daughter or some of the pps in this thread because my mom declined a trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't want to inconvenience herself to come visit me somewhere new. I would be understanding if it was a money issue. What a great way to bond and strengthen relationship.

And maybe your mom would be heartbroken that her daughter is so selfish that she decides that her mother has to do everything the daughter decrees, under the header of "strengthening the relationship." That her daughter can't step outside of herself for just a moment to stop and think that maybe she's asking more of her mother than she really should.

Guess what, daughters--your mothers aren't perfect. They are their own human beings. They won't always do what you want them to do. They do from time to time make decisions based on their own needs, not yours.

+1

Also, Mom also has the RESPONSIBILITY for the care of two younger siblings. Mom should not shortchange their needs just because the oldest wants her. Time for her to grow up.

I agree with this too. I find this attitude is prevalent among GenX people. Which is funny since they complain about Boomers and Millennials

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

Yeah, enjoy summer monsoon season and eat some mangoes!