Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

It's certainly your prerogative to feel this way, but I find this mindset to be extremely depressing. You are 60. If all goes well, you have 25-30 more years left on this planet and hopefully at least 20 where you feel really good. And you just want to coast to death and not challenge yourself in any way?

To each her own, but no thanks.

Look, OP has clearly done a lot of travelling in her time. It's not like she hasn't ever left the country. She knows what she's getting into and she also knows it makes her miserable. Her daughter is not going to change that with a trip to India (of all places.)

My kids wanted me to go to a big, heavy rock concert with them. No thanks. I have been to concerts before. I don't enjoy that particular kind of music and standing in a loud concert hall surrounded by screaming people isn't going to change me or make me like it better.

Ok, but a rock concert is a couple hour event. Not wanting to travel anymore after the age of 60 is a huge, life altering decision. Her kids are going to grow up and have their own families and they're not going to want to travel to her all the time. That's just reality and it will limit her relationships with them. My own parents refuse to travel and I see them 1x per year and that's it. They barely know my kids.

[Anonymous]

If you can physically and financially manage it, go. Otherwise, don't.

(the animals can be solved with some money - just hire a housesitter)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ok, but a rock concert is a couple hour event. Not wanting to travel anymore after the age of 60 is a huge, life altering decision. Her kids are going to grow up and have their own families and they're not going to want to travel to her all the time. That's just reality and it will limit her relationships with them. My own parents refuse to travel and I see them 1x per year and that's it. They barely know my kids.

Yep. My inlaws refuse to travel because they think we should go to them. Except we're both working, lots of weekend activities and they only have one guest room (kids sleep on the floor?!). It's really limited how much they know and see grandkids and I expect it to get worse the older they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you should go. A lot of this is about her having memories of her mom traveling with her.

OP here. Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them.

Just as a response to the above, I wanted to add that fortunately we do have those memories, I've traveled with her many times over her childhood. Two Europe trips, one to China, many cross-country trips for travel teams. I hope it's why she actually loves traveling! Just because I don't like it doesn't mean my kids shouldn't like it. (Just like skydiving. I don't care if anyone else does it. It's just something I'm at peace with never doing.)

Part of my travel anxiety stems from having divorced parents who constantly lived in different places and my siblings and I were constantly mixed and matched and sent where the other parent happened to be, at their convenience. I spent a lot of time being placed on flights to places I hadn't seen before, being put on trains, having strangers pick me up. I grew up never really having one home where I could stay at any given time. We were all also sent to boarding schools as soon as we were old enough. (Ironically, boarding school was a place I consequently loved because, like college afterwards, it was one single, consistent place I could be for 4 years except for summers.)

Once I got past the years of being single, changing jobs, the game of musical chairs with roommates and apartments, one of my very specific life goals was to settle in one place. Just like some people yearn to be free to travel, I yearned to be free to be able to just do my thing and stay home.

I literally have zero against India, and understand she just wants to enjoy time with me, but it is just time I would not enjoy, and I highly suspect I might even spoil some of her good memories as it would be obvious I'd be counting the minutes to be able to get out of there and go home again. I know she's trying to blast me out of my comfort zone and thinks it's good for me, but I'm really done all the improving of my character that I'm going to be doing. I just want to gently coast into the finish line.

Ok sorry for the personal psychological analysis but I hope it makes sense to you guys.

Thanks again.

OP - I'm sorry that your childhood was so rough. Time to get past it. At 60, your teen-year woes just shouldn't result in you missing out on sharing an experience wiht an adult child who wants you WANTS YOU to be with her.

She wants to show off her experience to you YOU!

I hope you can find a way to pull this off for her.

In my opinion, "Gently wanting to coast to the finish line" sounds like you have some psychiatric issues brewing that you probably should address before they end up really diminishing your life.

[Anonymous]

Why does the mom have to do things DD's way? Why is mom not allowed to be herself? I hate parties. Do I have to have one or go to one when my kids are adults? I throw birthday parties for them every year -- a stressful joyless slog. I will be a banana fudge sundae if I have to keep that up for the rest of my life on earth. How much do we owe these kids? Isn't a loving, stable childhood enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mom have to do things DD's way? Why is mom not allowed to be herself? I hate parties. Do I have to have one or go to one when my kids are adults? I throw birthday parties for them every year -- a stressful joyless slog. I will be a banana fudge sundae if I have to keep that up for the rest of my life on earth. How much do we owe these kids? Isn't a loving, stable childhood enough?

You don't have to do anything. But if you want to be close friends with your adult children, you'll have to go to parties. I'd be hurt if my parents didn't show up to their grandchildren's parties because they don't like it. That's a selfish reason.

[Anonymous]

Obviously you do as much or more for your grandkids but OP is talking about an adult DD, not a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very adventurous college age daughter is currently studying abroad in India for the year.

I am happy that she is doing what she wants to do, but I am not at all as adventurous, and travel and being out of my environment generally stresses me out. Don't get me wrong, I have traveled a lot internationally in my lifetime for various reasons, but I never really deep-down enjoyed it. I always endured a low-level of anxiety, preferred to stay in my hotel rooms as opposed to touring, and only felt relief again when arriving home. I'm now 60 and my ideal retirement is not having to go anywhere out of my comfort zone anymore.

It is also difficult to leave my animals (horse, several dogs and cats) and two other teenagers.

She is now making very loud noises about coming to stay with her for a week this summer and refusing to take no for an answer. ("MOM YOU ARE COMING THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY" was her response when I told her I appreciated the invitation but it is really too much of a trip for me).

I feel really caught here and am not sure what to do. I know I am not going to go, but I'm not sure how to convey that to my daughter without having her permanently hold it against me. Maybe there's no play here at all except to endure her wrath.

Help.

Huh? She's your child. Presumably you're paying for her college adventures? She should be thanking you. Your fault for raising such a horrible brat.

[Anonymous]

Quit thinking that your elderly parent(s) have to cater to your wish all the time. They're old. They sacrificed a lot for you already. You're not a kid anymore. You have to consider their feelings when asking for something they don't want to do.
It's not all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mom have to do things DD's way? Why is mom not allowed to be herself? I hate parties. Do I have to have one or go to one when my kids are adults? I throw birthday parties for them every year -- a stressful joyless slog. I will be a banana fudge sundae if I have to keep that up for the rest of my life on earth. How much do we owe these kids? Isn't a loving, stable childhood enough?

I agree this is the crux of the issue. Here's the bottom line for me - There are things that are outside of all of our comfort zones, and we either choose to push ourselves to show up for the people we love when it is important to them or we don't. This could be parties, traveling, rock concerts, going to church on Christmas Eve, whatever. Either choice is certainly valid and we all try to find that balance of being true to ourselves and showing up for others in a meaningful way. But make no mistake, if you stop showing up and you just do things you 100 percent enjoy all the time, your relationships WILL reflect these decisions.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to go, don't go, simple as that. Maybe money is not an issue for you, but if it is could you blame it one money? My parents came to visit us in one African country, but not in the other, more remote one, and they are in Europe, so closer trip. None of ILS came to visit us anywhere in Africa, when we lived there. Your DD sounds like a kid who wants to share that TV show they really like and wants you to like it too. Tell her simply, "you are too old for that shi*." By that I mean the hassle of traveling that far, not the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say no.

Your daughter is spoiled.

The notion that your college aged daughter would expect her mother to not only finance her trip to India but come visit her? While raising two other kids? No way.

This is not the issue. Regardless of whether she is spoiled or who financed it. She wants her mom to come, likely out of a combined desire to see her and to expose her to a place she has grown to like or love. This is not a bad thing. But daughter should respect a no. And OP should find an adult way to explain to her no, and why it's a no.

This is not that hard.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like the sort of person who would settle down permanently overseas. If you visit, she'll know that she can cajole you into visiting regularly and she won't think twice about living abroad permanently. If you don't, she may be mad/irritated/etc. but she'd know before any long-term decisions that she shouldn't expect regular visits from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mom have to do things DD's way? Why is mom not allowed to be herself? I hate parties. Do I have to have one or go to one when my kids are adults? I throw birthday parties for them every year -- a stressful joyless slog. I will be a banana fudge sundae if I have to keep that up for the rest of my life on earth. How much do we owe these kids? Isn't a loving, stable childhood enough?

You don't have to do anything. But if you want to be close friends with your adult children, you'll have to go to parties. I'd be hurt if my parents didn't show up to their grandchildren's parties because they don't like it. That's a selfish reason.

Depends on what kind of parties are you talking about. I agree that grandparents should come to grand kids birthday parties if they are at home, but I never saw grandparents attend one of those fun parks/laser tag parties, and with teens now, I've taken my kids to a lot of birthday parties. Those are torture even for parents, and I will come for a nice slice of cake and just to wish a happy birthday, but I am so not going to laser tag in my 60s. If you as a younger adult are having a party with same age friends, please don't invite me... translating, I hope my kids don't invite me. I will be happy to host all of the family for holidays, or go to their place for holidays, I thought that is what young adults actually preferred, that grandparents and ILS don't butt in into every tiny detail of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like the sort of person who would settle down permanently overseas. If you visit, she'll know that she can cajole you into visiting regularly and she won't think twice about living abroad permanently. If you don't, she may be mad/irritated/etc. but she'd know before any long-term decisions that she shouldn't expect regular visits from you.

OP, you should try to emotionally manipulate your daughter so that she makes the life choices that are more convenient for you. Sound advice.