Don't want to Visit my Daughter - help

[Anonymous]

You are 60, not 85, my goodness. If you can't mask a bit of displeasure for your child to share something important with you then stay the crap home. You sound like a eeyore, planning to spend the next 20 years sitting in your living room because you moved a lot as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Op- I've been to India. I love it. But it's absolutely not for everyone. Especially for someone with travel anxiety. In fact, it's the worst place on the planet for you. You will be uncomfortable, have to watch what you eat and drink, and be super vigilant of our surroundings. Your young adult daughter will be loving the fa t she's completely out of her comfort zone. I also think she is being incredibly selfish asking this of you. Please ignore other posters that say you should go- clearly they have never been to India, and don't understand your anxiety. It's not as though you will never see your daughter again, she's only gone for a year. And I highly doubt she would ever settle down there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

Is this THAT big of a deal? I can see feeling that way at 60. Truthfully I kind of feel that way at 36. All the "exciting" stuff is over - school; starting a career; moving around etc. Now it's just the same slog for 30 yrs . . . if I feel like this at 36, I can't imagine NOT feeling like that at 60. Is this really SO unusual?

I'm 53. I don't feel like I did at 36, and many things are winding down, but other things are replacing them. But no, I don't want to gently coast to the finish line. I want to keep doing well what I do at work until I retire. I've got decades left. Coast for decades? NO WAY!

I am 40 now, but have never liked traveling. I've been to Canada once and Mexico once. I use my vacation days to run errands or things like that. Once I took DD to Disneyland. Once I took the day off and saw three movies. I've always wanted to coast towards death. I don't enjoy life. Some people are not cut out for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this breaks my heart for your daughter. My parents don't know their grand kids at all because they too are don't traveling. My sister had three of her four children while living in New Zealand and my parents saw them twice in 6 years--when they came back to the US briefly. It has been seven years since they returned and my parents have seen them twice in that time. I have almost two year old twins--my mom saw them for a week when my dd had her first surgery and hasn't seen them since. My father has never met them. I live an easy flight away--as does my sister. Meanwhile, they know my DH'S family even though they live in CA and Oregon. They come and visit us. It is hard for us to travel to see them because my DD's medical issues. My sister has four kids and plane tickets for 6 is prohibitive. You should think about it now what kind of relationship you have with your adult children. They won't always be able to visit you and they will want to share their lives with you. I do have friends whose parents wash their hands of them once they are adults--wont see them, talk to them and happy to finally have their lives back. Think twice about this.

Perhaps adult children should consider how involved they'd like their parents to be with them and their children before they decide to move thousands of miles away.

It's something SH and I considered fully when we decided to move away and one of the reasons we moved back.

Not every parent lives in an area where "adult children" can grow a career beyond waiting tables at Denny's.

More DCUM closed mindedness. Your sister didn't move to New Zealand because she couldn't have a career in the states she moved because she wanted to be posh and tell everyone she was living on the other side of the world the same is true for you. You do didn't need two cars and 6 figure incomes you wanted it and you wanted to brag to your flyover friends you had made it in the city. Spare me the dramatics

LMAO: I am the person with the sister who ed in NZ. Ironically, I moved to DC to be near my parents and had awesome career advancement here. My parents had a house here but moved two months after I arrived because of BRAC. My sister was a missionary in NZ. We are both suited for travel and life abroad because we grew up abroad--my father was career military and his father was career military before him. We don't have a "hometown" just each other. Anyhow, I don't drive because I lived in Europe too long, but you are right about the salaries...but left out the fact we have PhDs. My parents did say they would come visit if we managed to move to Italy but otherwise they are passing on the opportunity.

I do think parents need to figure out what they want their relationships will be like with their adult children. My parents feel no need to come see us or their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I just want to gently coast into the finish line. "

- this line stayed with me all day and my heart breaks for you.

I'm also older and I like the phrase. OP has traveled and is enjoying HER life on what I imagine is a lovely property with gardens, horses, dogs. She can vacation. The point is it's her life. Coasting doesn't mean doing nothing -just enjoying the lovely environment she has managed to create. One friend told is years ago that he had a beautiful home and didn't care to vacation in a doghouse.

India is the daughter's life for a brief period of time NOT the OP's. People pay for vacations at inns and bed and breakfasts that have the same descriptions as OP's home.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through the whole thread yet, but this resonates with me because I have often felt like my mother's anxiety kept us from having a meaningful relationship. It sounds like you are a lot closer to your daughter than I am with my mom, though.

I think if I was your daughter, I would really appreciate you being a little bit vulnerable with me about this. Instead of just leading with the "no" and a very brief explanation, maybe say more about how truly difficult it is for you. I think sometimes parents are hesitant to reveal their weaknesses to their kids, understandably, but you're transitioning now into an adult-adult relationship now since your daughter is in college. I think this might really help.

Secondly, I would ask her why it is so important to her that you go. Is she scared? Does she want to feel like you are a witness to her life? Etc. The reason she is so preoccupied with your going will help you come up with a way to acknowledge her desire without your having to take the trip.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're still reading....I posted way back at the start in support of your telling your daughter that with two other kids to manage you aren't going to make this trip.

I saw one of your follow-up posts and you mention that one of your kids is a senior (or will be a senior in the fall?) and is doing the entire college application/visit thing. That alone is reason to tell your older child you aren't going to do this trip! Your kid who is looking at colleges needs you around -- and yes, while one week away is nothing much, it's surely going to be expensive to fly to India, much less pay for everything else involved with your trip. I would tell your DD that spending that kind of money isn't in the budget in a time when one of her siblings is close to going to college. That's college money, basically. Your own DD is a college student and she should understand that she has siblings who also will go to college. The fact she's not seeing that really shows how blinded she is by her own belief that her experience right now is the be-all and end-all of, well, everything. Tell her briefly and directly that she's in college now, but her siblings have yet to go, and she needs to understand that an overseas trip is not in the cards. Even if all your kids are full-ride scholarship students, a family still has some expenses for college application and visits etc.

I think a lot of PPs are also projecting a vast amount of their own wishes and problems with their parents onto your situation. Based just on your posts, you do not sound "depressed" as some are saying, nor do you sound like you are hiding away in fear of life. You sound like someone who knows who she is and what she wants, and whose priorities are clear. You've traveled overseas more than once which is more than most Americans ever do! Don't let people on here make you feel you're some hermit.

Stay very positive when you communicate with your DD. Remember that over e-mail she cannot hear your tone, so if you can, phone or Skype her or whatever so she can hear that you really do love her and really do think what she's doing is great, but spending that money and time right now is not going to work. Encourage her strongly to send photos, ask her lots of questions about them and about what she's doing; show a real interest. In years to come she will realize that you were right. It might take her years and having her own kids to realize it -- but maybe she'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Just be very sure you won't have any regrets in 5 years. I went to college 1500 miles away (not India, but a bit of a schlep anyway) and wanted my parents to come to a special, unique performance I had the leading role in towards the end of freshman year. They did not feel like spending the money, the time, or the inconvenience of flying in for just a weekend to see it. I had a 16-year-old brother at home at the time who was a bit of a troublemaker so they would have had to bring him along or find someone to leave him with. In short, there were about 10 very good, logical reasons for them not to come. I totally understood, and accepted that this was part of the downside of going to college 1500 miles away.

However, the performance wound up being fantastic, there was no recording available, and it ended up being the last time I ever did something like that. My parents still bitterly regret their decision years later, but there's no going back. Just be very sure you aren't going to look back on this in a decade and wish you'd gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- I've been to India. I love it. But it's absolutely not for everyone. Especially for someone with travel anxiety. In fact, it's the worst place on the planet for you. You will be uncomfortable, have to watch what you eat and drink, and be super vigilant of our surroundings. Your young adult daughter will be loving the fa t she's completely out of her comfort zone. I also think she is being incredibly selfish asking this of you. Please ignore other posters that say you should go- clearly they have never been to India, and don't understand your anxiety. It's not as though you will never see your daughter again, she's only gone for a year. And I highly doubt she would ever settle down there.

Good advice. If she was living there permanently, I would say go. Otherwise, let her know you don't want to and your reasons why. Your daughter needs to learn she can do her own thing without you. If she wants to share experiences, how about skyping or FaceTime at her favorite spots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be very sure you won't have any regrets in 5 years. I went to college 1500 miles away (not India, but a bit of a schlep anyway) and wanted my parents to come to a special, unique performance I had the leading role in towards the end of freshman year. They did not feel like spending the money, the time, or the inconvenience of flying in for just a weekend to see it. I had a 16-year-old brother at home at the time who was a bit of a troublemaker so they would have had to bring him along or find someone to leave him with. In short, there were about 10 very good, logical reasons for them not to come. I totally understood, and accepted that this was part of the downside of going to college 1500 miles away.

However, the performance wound up being fantastic, there was no recording available, and it ended up being the last time I ever did something like that. My parents still bitterly regret their decision years later, but there's no going back. Just be very sure you aren't going to look back on this in a decade and wish you'd gone.

Now, there is much more easy video capability available. OP sounds like she has explored her reasons, just sounds like her daughter has some problems with empathy. She is young.

[Anonymous]

I say "you just have to do or try x" to my mom all the time. Truly isn't because I am being bratty because honestly sometimes it's easier if I don't have to plan to accommodate her. I do it because I know that me and my sisters are the only people that keep her trying new stuff. Things don't always work out but when they do, she will admit it's a lot better than "coasting through death". Your daughter could be trying to push you to do something because she believes it will be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Is there a DH in all of this?

[Anonymous]

You do not need to visit. Your daughter needs to appreciate what she has. A lot of people's parents would never let them study abroad, let alone let them study abroad in India. Asking you to visit us one thing, but she needs to take no for an answer.

[Anonymous]

My mom never visited me because she doesn't like travel and I lived in Paris! Your daughter needs to get over it. I've travelled through India and it's not an easy trip if you don't like travel.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't travel to India for anybody! LOL But seriously, flying out so far for a week will be torturous. If you end up going, you and DD should commit to a couple of weeks at least. Maybe stress to DD that you don't want to live the teens by themselves. It's a better reason than "I won't leave my comfort zone."