Question for women: do you feel pressure to maintain your looks for your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I feel the same. I had my second baby 10 months ago and I'm having a harder time dropping the weight and it's sooo frustrating. My husband doesn't say anything mean but I know he'd like to have the old me back. He's supportive of me going to work out and eating healthier. More than anything, the pressure is coming from myself. I had always been lean and slim and I just don't feel like myself and don't like what I see. I'm 5'9" and used to hover between 130-140. After the first baby I dropped all the weight but when I went back to work (1 year off), I got a car, I started going out for daily coffee breaks with colleagues and 10 lbs crept back on. Then I got pregnant again and gained a bunch of weight and now I'm losing it but still sitting at 160 and I hate it. My BMI is in the healthy range, but scree that because I just don't like what I see.

You'll get there because your self motivated. At 5'9" target 140-145, 130 is too thin and men like a little flesh on the bones.

I am 5'8" and I am stick thin at 135. So yeah, 140-145 seems more like it, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to stay / get back in shape for myself. It's a matter of self respect and maintaining standards. I am currently 7 months PP and still carrying 5 extra lbs compared to my normal weight, but I'll worry about it when I quit nursing (which I'm planning to do when DB turns 1). I don't obsess about it, but I do plan to have more children and I'm 33, so it's not going to get any easier to lose weight if I start letting it creep up.

I never understood what a woman's weight or looks had to do with her self respect. So if a woman gains 5-10 pounds, she does not respect herself? So if she gets old and gets wrinkles and a turkey neck she does not respect herself? So all the chubby, older women out there do not respect themselves?

Not caring about one's appearance, lack of grooming, letting oneself "go" are all signs of depression... so yeah, in some cases it means that the person has little self respect.

A woman gaining a few pounds or getting wrinkles as they age is not "letting oneself go". That's called reality. Shooting yourself up with botox and starving yourself to chase that fountain of youth does not equal self-respect.

Also having depression does not equal having little self respect, it is an actual disease and often comes with a chemical imbalance within that can trigger it.

Letting oneself go, as can happen when someone is experiencing emotional problems such as depression, would be characterized as no longer showering, staying in pajamas all day everyday, not combing their hair, that sort of thing. That is letting oneself go, not the NORMAL aging process.

Yes, I think these women are posting from a younger perspective, thinking they will somehow not age. They probably don't respect as normal, the signs of age or older people, so they see old-looking people as having "let themselves go." I look around and see clean, healthy, happy, wrinkly old pudges dabbing on a little lipstick with a twinkle in their eye, and I do not think there's someone who's let themselves go and has no self-respect. Accepting normal processes of life and still loving who you are is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to stay / get back in shape for myself. It's a matter of self respect and maintaining standards. I am currently 7 months PP and still carrying 5 extra lbs compared to my normal weight, but I'll worry about it when I quit nursing (which I'm planning to do when DB turns 1). I don't obsess about it, but I do plan to have more children and I'm 33, so it's not going to get any easier to lose weight if I start letting it creep up.

I never understood what a woman's weight or looks had to do with her self respect. So if a woman gains 5-10 pounds, she does not respect herself? So if she gets old and gets wrinkles and a turkey neck she does not respect herself? So all the chubby, older women out there do not respect themselves?

Not caring about one's appearance, lack of grooming, letting oneself "go" are all signs of depression... so yeah, in some cases it means that the person has little self respect.

A woman gaining a few pounds or getting wrinkles as they age is not "letting oneself go". That's called reality. Shooting yourself up with botox and starving yourself to chase that fountain of youth does not equal self-respect.

Also having depression does not equal having little self respect, it is an actual disease and often comes with a chemical imbalance within that can trigger it.

Letting oneself go, as can happen when someone is experiencing emotional problems such as depression, would be characterized as no longer showering, staying in pajamas all day everyday, not combing their hair, that sort of thing. That is letting oneself go, not the NORMAL aging process.

Yes, I think these women are posting from a younger perspective, thinking they will somehow not age. They probably don't respect as normal, the signs of age or older people, so they see old-looking people as having "let themselves go." I look around and see clean, healthy, happy, wrinkly old pudges dabbing on a little lipstick with a twinkle in their eye, and I do not think there's someone who's let themselves go and has no self-respect. Accepting normal processes of life and still loving who you are is the way to go.

The Op of the quoted thread only talked about being in shape, not aging.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. You can "let yourself go" at any age. Likewise you can "maintain your looks" at any age. This isn't about age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to stay / get back in shape for myself. It's a matter of self respect and maintaining standards. I am currently 7 months PP and still carrying 5 extra lbs compared to my normal weight, but I'll worry about it when I quit nursing (which I'm planning to do when DB turns 1). I don't obsess about it, but I do plan to have more children and I'm 33, so it's not going to get any easier to lose weight if I start letting it creep up.

I never understood what a woman's weight or looks had to do with her self respect. So if a woman gains 5-10 pounds, she does not respect herself? So if she gets old and gets wrinkles and a turkey neck she does not respect herself? So all the chubby, older women out there do not respect themselves?

Not caring about one's appearance, lack of grooming, letting oneself "go" are all signs of depression... so yeah, in some cases it means that the person has little self respect.

A woman gaining a few pounds or getting wrinkles as they age is not "letting oneself go". That's called reality. Shooting yourself up with botox and starving yourself to chase that fountain of youth does not equal self-respect.

Also having depression does not equal having little self respect, it is an actual disease and often comes with a chemical imbalance within that can trigger it.

Letting oneself go, as can happen when someone is experiencing emotional problems such as depression, would be characterized as no longer showering, staying in pajamas all day everyday, not combing their hair, that sort of thing. That is letting oneself go, not the NORMAL aging process.

lol, this is exactly what takes place

[Anonymous]

I absolutely feel the pressure - my MIL is a judgmental anorexic and my DH gets his judgment and his perception of what women's bodies should be from her. I guess if I had enough willpower like she does, I could skip dinner every night and just have lunch, keep it to 500-800 calories a day and be 5'7" 125 pounds like when I met my DH, instead of 48, 2 kids, 5'8" 150 pounds and go to orange theory 5 days a week (I love it).

yes i am 25 pounds heavier than when we met, but actually I was too skinny on my wedding day and I am healthy right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely feel the pressure - my MIL is a judgmental anorexic and my DH gets his judgment and his perception of what women's bodies should be from her. I guess if I had enough willpower like she does, I could skip dinner every night and just have lunch, keep it to 500-800 calories a day and be 5'7" 125 pounds like when I met my DH, instead of 48, 2 kids, 5'8" 150 pounds and go to orange theory 5 days a week (I love it).

yes i am 25 pounds heavier than when we met, but actually I was too skinny on my wedding day and I am healthy right now.

I am in my mid thirties with 2 kids, and 5'8" as well. What I would give to be 150 pounds!

[Anonymous]

I am 250 lbs with 4 kids. DH met when I was about 200 @ size 16. I am not sure what he really thinks because he does not talk about weight. I am however pressured within myself and trying to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think wanting to look good for your partner is different from feeling pressure to do it. I do keep my hair long because he likes it. It's not that I think he won't love me if I cut it off, but he really loves it, and I think considering your partner's preferences is important in a relationship. I don't cook food for him that he doesn't like for the same reason.

I do need to lose weight. Health issues have helped add about 15 lbs. I will keep us both in mind as I make the effort to lose it.

Are you saying that you WOULD/COULD maintain your looks, but CHOOSE not to because of pressure from partner?
what the heck!

Seems to me that somebody who is in fact taking good care of themselves would NEVER feel pressure from partner.
I pay all my bills on time, therefore I never feel pressure from bill collectors.
Should I resent the fact that, if I stopped paying my bills, I might then feel such pressure?

I think you misread what I said. I was making the distinction between wanting to do something to make your partner happy and needing to do something because you're afraid your partner will leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think wanting to look good for your partner is different from feeling pressure to do it. I do keep my hair long because he likes it. It's not that I think he won't love me if I cut it off, but he really loves it, and I think considering your partner's preferences is important in a relationship. I don't cook food for him that he doesn't like for the same reason.

I do need to lose weight. Health issues have helped add about 15 lbs. I will keep us both in mind as I make the effort to lose it.

Are you saying that you WOULD/COULD maintain your looks, but CHOOSE not to because of pressure from partner?
what the heck!

Seems to me that somebody who is in fact taking good care of themselves would NEVER feel pressure from partner.
I pay all my bills on time, therefore I never feel pressure from bill collectors.
Should I resent the fact that, if I stopped paying my bills, I might then feel such pressure?

I think you misread what I said. I was making the distinction between wanting to do something to make your partner happy and needing to do something because you're afraid your partner will leave you.

But why make this distinction?
If it's something you want to do, and are already doing it, then just keep doing it!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just want to point out that I don't feel pressure from my husband, but I feel an intense desire to be thin again because I know he finds me attractive at a certain size/weight. (Though he says he finds me attractive larger and still wants sex etc). Maybe that sounds silly but sex, for me, was so much better when I felt hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keeping yourself attractive for your partner is part of the marriage contract. Or at least making the effort. It goes both ways.

Agreed. It totally sucks when only one spouse makes this effort.
Fit husband with overweight wife.
How do you suggest I exert pressure for her to maintain her looks?

You can't.
I say that as the overweight woman and my DH is fit.

[Anonymous]

I think my DH and me both are waiting and hoping for me to be thin again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keeping yourself attractive for your partner is part of the marriage contract. Or at least making the effort. It goes both ways.

Agreed. It totally sucks when only one spouse makes this effort.
Fit husband with overweight wife.
How do you suggest I exert pressure for her to maintain her looks?

Straight up tell her that her weight is not attractive. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I suspect she either already has an idea of how you feel or is just lazy.

NP..I've done that..it didn't work. I tried everything including building a home gym. She just doesn't care enough about me or herself I guess. We have one and one of the reasons I don't want another one is because of this. Plus it sets a bad example.

The other day our DC called her fat. DC said..daddy is strong and slim...mommy is fat. I didn't tell them to say that.

How fat is fat? Size? Weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH and me both are waiting and hoping for me to be thin again.

That's a solid plan. Stick with the waiting and hoping.
Whatever you do, don't control your calories!