SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are really judging them. If you can't be happy for them don't even bother going. I'm sure nobody will miss you.

[Anonymous]

OP, it looks like your loser SIL has found DCUM, and she LOVES THE CAP LOCKS FUNCTION!!! EXCLAIMATION POINTS, TOO!!!!

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound sensitive to your needs but not to her RIGHT not to consult you on whether she wanted a Do Over wedding or not. Sorry honey, you do not get a vote on that. What you do get a vote on is whether you will participate actively (as a participant), passively (as a guest only), or not at all. Now grow, choose one, and forever hold your peace!!
Word up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

No, sorry. It's fine for them to ask, and "pressure" is all about perception. The only thing that is OP's business is whether to decline or accept, to "cave to the pressure" or not. That is the only part of this that is OP's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

OP, read your post again. Your problem isn't that she's getting married again or the way she's doing it, it's with what "we all expected." I assume you all expected the first marriage to last forever. It didn't, she's moved on, and she's under no obligation to match what she wants with the expectations of "we all."

If you want to go to the wedding to show your support, then do that. If you can't, then explain why it's not possible - with nothing about your expectations - and then send a gift or hold a party close to your home, or in some other way show your support for her decision.

In other words, you're also under no obligation to match what you want with HER expectations.

[Anonymous]

I am a third wife--that's right, my husband was married TWICE before me. And yet we still had a wedding when we got married. It was probably fairly understated by some people's standards--no bridesmaids or groomsmen, finger foods reception at our house afterward, no associated showers, engagement parties, etc. But it was still a church wedding with about 100 people, most of whom gave us very nice gifts (and, yes, we registered).

Here's the thing: none of them questioned us or were nasty about it. They were gracious and generous. They didn't begrudge my husband for having a second wedding (only one of his previous marriages had included a wedding). Instead, all of his friends and family really love him, and they'd watched him through a lifetime of poor decisions and bad luck in love, and I like to think that they were optimistic that maybe he'd gotten it right this time. (And, indeed, our marriage has already lasted 3x as long as his longest previously.)

So, that's another option for you: just be happy for the new couple, and offer them the love and support that marriage requires. I tend to agree that most of the trappings of a wedding are pretty stupid, so you can skip or minimize that stuff and focus instead on supporting the new couple and their life ahead.

[Anonymous]

A Catholic Church would not allow a "big blow out Mass" unless the divorced party had also had their marriage annulled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a third wife--that's right, my husband was married TWICE before me. And yet we still had a wedding when we got married. It was probably fairly understated by some people's standards--no bridesmaids or groomsmen, finger foods reception at our house afterward, no associated showers, engagement parties, etc. But it was still a church wedding with about 100 people, most of whom gave us very nice gifts (and, yes, we registered).

Here's the thing: none of them questioned us or were nasty about it. They were gracious and generous. They didn't begrudge my husband for having a second wedding (only one of his previous marriages had included a wedding). Instead, all of his friends and family really love him, and they'd watched him through a lifetime of poor decisions and bad luck in love, and I like to think that they were optimistic that maybe he'd gotten it right this time. (And, indeed, our marriage has already lasted 3x as long as his longest previously.)

So, that's another option for you: just be happy for the new couple, and offer them the love and support that marriage requires. I tend to agree that most of the trappings of a wedding are pretty stupid, so you can skip or minimize that stuff and focus instead on supporting the new couple and their life ahead.

This is great advice and is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing. It just really is press Repeat on the first wedding except this time she upped the ante by doing a Catholic mass.

Honestly if I were getting remarried, I would love to just throw an awesome party and not deal with the hoopla of a big ceremony. I certainly wouldn't impose on any 40-something sister in law to be a bridesmaid!

Oh and I still have the dress from her first wedding because it's been sitting in my attic for 10 yrs, along with other bridesmaid dresses that I've accumulated but never had the heart to get rid of.

Part of me wants to wear dress #1 to the rehearsal dinner (OF COURSE they're having a big one). I kid, but seriously, it would be amusing.

Why would they need to talk to you about this? They can do what they want. This is how weddings go, certainly you've been to some. Some couples a loony and selfish and make unreasonable requests, some are the opposite. The only thing you can control is how you respond, and if you don't want other people judging you the same way you're judging her then respond with kindness in setting your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so what if SIL gets married a 3rd time, a 4th time? Is it still out of bounds to complain if she throws subsequent big weddings??? There is an element of tactfulness here that OP rightly points out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so what if SIL gets married a 3rd time, a 4th time? Is it still out of bounds to complain if she throws subsequent big weddings??? There is an element of tactfulness here that OP rightly points out.

It is never OK to "complain" about somebody's wedding plans unless they announce they are holding it in your backyard without asking you first. You get to decide whether to attend or to graciously decline.

[Anonymous]

Some of the posters who are in favor of big second weddings seem to assume that, because everyone was gracious, no one had these feelings at their wedding. Yeah, we know your MIL was thrilled to see her little boy have a big wedding. Yeah, we know you felt entitled to a big reception because this is your first wedding and you feel like you deserve it, even though your husband was married before in front of much of the same guest list. I've been a guest at a few second weddings, and have offered congratulations and gifts. Many attendees at each wedding still thought it was tacky. I wouldn't assume that you know what's going on in the minds of your guests. Deep down, many of these brides know that a lot of the guests might have unpleasant feelings, which is why they get so emotional and angry at the suggestion that they're being selfish and over the top, and only thinking of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

No, sorry. It's fine for them to ask, and "pressure" is all about perception. The only thing that is OP's business is whether to decline or accept, to "cave to the pressure" or not. That is the only part of this that is OP's business.

Uh, some of us feel "pressure" because we have some understanding of social expectations, care to be respectful and maintain family relationships. That's generally more than can be said about most of these big-blowout second time brides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing. It just really is press Repeat on the first wedding except this time she upped the ante by doing a Catholic mass.

Honestly if I were getting remarried, I would love to just throw an awesome party and not deal with the hoopla of a big ceremony. I certainly wouldn't impose on any 40-something sister in law to be a bridesmaid!

Oh and I still have the dress from her first wedding because it's been sitting in my attic for 10 yrs, along with other bridesmaid dresses that I've accumulated but never had the heart to get rid of.

Part of me wants to wear dress #1 to the rehearsal dinner (OF COURSE they're having a big one). I kid, but seriously, it would be amusing.

Why would they need to talk to you about this? They can do what they want. This is how weddings go, certainly you've been to some. Some couples a loony and selfish and make unreasonable requests, some are the opposite. The only thing you can control is how you respond, and if you don't want other people judging you the same way you're judging her then respond with kindness in setting your boundaries.

+1. Op seems to be making so many assumptions here about their motivations and desires. She has no idea how they reached the conclusion to have this wedding and why should she be privy to this information?

Op sounds like she has some sort of problem with the SIL. Reminds me of my inlaws. I can't do anything right. If I had a huge second wedding they would judge and if I had a tiny backyard wedding they would judge as well.

Overall I really don't see a huge problem or anything to worry myself over. Just attend or don't attend the wedding and put a smile on your face and be nice.