SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just decline to be a bridesmaid. Go and have fun!

This

[Anonymous]

It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can sympathize with you. Going through the same thing right now with my best friend. Second time I am in a wedding for the same person, second time I'm having to spend hundreds of $$ for all of the wedding BS. I'm going along with it (what else am I supposed to do?) but don't think I'm not bitching behind her back. At least this time, 15 years later, I actually have the money to spend. Still don't want to spend it on this though.

I hate being in weddings though. Always have. I don't mind helping with the wedding planning, bridal shower, etc...just hate being in it. So glad the wedding is this weekend and will be over soon.

This is all down to you being a ninny and saying yes to stuff you don't want to do. That's not your friend's problem; it's perfectly reasonable for her to ask you to be a bridesmaid. It's up to YOU to accept or decline, politely and promptly.

If you say yes to being a bridesmaid--to allegedly being there for her in a supportive role--only for you to then bitch about her behind her back? You are a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I had a very short-lived first marriage. The wedding was considered a blowout and all my friends participated. 5 years later, when I married my current husband, I was worried about the perception of having yet another wedding. But it was a big deal to my husband. He had been in all of his friends' and family members' weddings and he wanted the party. His parents, who were quite understanding of my divorced status, were also looking to host their friends and family for a wedding. I gave in and we had another blowout.

Very few of my family members attended, in protest, which was too bad, but I couldn't get upset about that. My good friends did accept my invitation to be a bridesmaid again and they were good sports about everything. I think it was understood that my fiancé deserved a wedding and my previous mistake shouldn't be held against him and his family, who were all ecstatic to see his wedding.

OP, you could decline being a bridesmaid but if you're going to the wedding anyway, that will just make you look petty. There could be plenty of reasons that you don't know about as to why she's having another wedding.

[Anonymous]

Just decline to be a bridesmaid, but otherwise keep your opinions to yourself. Go to the wedding and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

Say no if you don't want to be a bridesmaid.

The rest is just you being judgy. She can do what she wants to, and you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

You can get a church annulment after the legal divorce. Then, you are free to marry in the church again.

If your first marriage was out of the church and there was never a convalidation of that union, you can get married in the church your second time around. This is because the church doesn't recognize your first union.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is divorced. Her bf wants to marry her, but some of her hesitation is it's important to him and his close-knit extended family that his first wedding be a traditional / big wedding. She would go to town hall because she's done it before and is worried people would judge. I suspect if she decides to marry him she will give-in to his preference since it's his first.

My sister remarried, his first marriage her second. They recently had a baby, also his first her second. They had a very small wedding, didn't have any bridal shower or anything, and had a small baby sprinkle/shower for just his side of the family. There are definitely some feelings there of him having missed out on getting the big celebration if his firsts due to them being her second.

Yup. My MIL asked me why her son shouldn't have the wedding he wanted? I shared that day with someone else but wouldn't with him?

We had a bigger wedding than I wanted. No shower.

Op decline to be a bridesmaid but don't share your dismay. I'm sure some were dismayed at our wedding. My husband wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP again - hit submit too soon.

I would love to just decline being a bridesmaid, but this family loooooves drama and grudges, and there is no doubt this would be remembered for years. That adds to my resentment, in that the expectations are so rigid and nobody is acknowledging the silliness of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Decline the bridesmaid deal or the invite as you please, and quit being a grumpy pants about her other choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - hit submit too soon.

I would love to just decline being a bridesmaid, but this family loooooves drama and grudges, and there is no doubt this would be remembered for years. That adds to my resentment, in that the expectations are so rigid and nobody is acknowledging the silliness of the situation.

Gasp...because...maybe it's not silly TO THEM. Do you get that other people might have different thoughts and feelings from you?

[Anonymous]

Do you get that we are pretty much all saying the same thing, OP? That it is OK for you to decline the bridesmaid invitation, but it's not OK for you to be this judgmental, and to want to shame/humble your SIL?

[Anonymous]

She is supposed to be humble because her first marriage didn't work out? What century is this?

If you love her, support her to the extent you can and stop being judgmental.