SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

You can get a church annulment after the legal divorce. Then, you are free to marry in the church again.

If your first marriage was out of the church and there was never a convalidation of that union, you can get married in the church your second time around. This is because the church doesn't recognize your first union.

No. You cannot.

This statement is 100% incorrect.

Not 100% incorrect. If she was a Catholic woman and got married outside the church without a convalidation, then it is not considered a valid union (lack of form). if she was NOT Catholic, she can get married anywhere and her marriage is presumed valid. If she was non-catholic, divorced, and then wanted to get married in a Catholic church, she would need to go through the same annulment process as any catholic who was married in the church.

[Anonymous]

Blow out second weddings are tacky if you had a big first wedding. It's like double dipping. I agree with the OP. Show some humility.
I'd find an excuse to avoid the whole scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blow out second weddings are tacky if you had a big first wedding. It's like double dipping. I agree with the OP. Show some humility.
I'd find an excuse to avoid the whole scene.

What if only one person has been married before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blow out second weddings are tacky if you had a big first wedding. It's like double dipping. I agree with the OP. Show some humility.
I'd find an excuse to avoid the whole scene.

What if only one person has been married before?

They might want to rethink their decision to marry a divorced person, if they want a big wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one wondering why op still has the bridesmaid dress fro the first wedding?!

I think she should wear it to the second wedding. OP- you said your In-Laws carry grudges and are dramatic. DO something dramatic and give them something real to complain about and then you don't have to worry about all the others stuff. No matter what you do, they will be complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

A Catholic blow-out for a 2nd wedding. Priceless. Thanks for the laugh, OP!

On topic: Just say no to being a bridesmaid, enjoy the party, eat and dance till you drop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blow out second weddings are tacky if you had a big first wedding. It's like double dipping. I agree with the OP. Show some humility.
I'd find an excuse to avoid the whole scene.

Says who? Most people get over the wedding nonsense the 1st time around, but some don't. It's a party. Unclench.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing. It just really is press Repeat on the first wedding except this time she upped the ante by doing a Catholic mass.

Honestly if I were getting remarried, I would love to just throw an awesome party and not deal with the hoopla of a big ceremony. I certainly wouldn't impose on any 40-something sister in law to be a bridesmaid!

Oh and I still have the dress from her first wedding because it's been sitting in my attic for 10 yrs, along with other bridesmaid dresses that I've accumulated but never had the heart to get rid of.

Part of me wants to wear dress #1 to the rehearsal dinner (OF COURSE they're having a big one). I kid, but seriously, it would be amusing.

[Anonymous]

I got married at the age of 29 to a guy who had had a brief starter marriage in his early 20's. I remember feeling really guilty that I was putting his family through the whole wedding thing again, but on the other hand, I had been fantasizing about my wedding and my wedding dress since I was five. I had also made some pretty serious career sacrifices (quitting on overseas assignment that would have put me on fast track, etc. in order to live in US with spouse) to make the marriage work. I also have parents who wanted to throw a nice wedding for their daughter, grandparents and elderly relatives who were looking forward to coming to the wedding, siblings that wanted to be in a wedding, etc. I had a couple of friends who actually wanted to be bridesmaids.

I remember at first saying I wanted nothing, no gifts, just contributions to a charity, etc. but I was basically talked into having a big wedding with bridesmaids, etc. I also thought, for some reason, that 29 was too old for a big party and that they were for younger people. On some level, I did feel like people expected me to be ashamed that I was marrying a divorced guy and I was almost 30. (Parts of my family are pretty working class so I had cousins that had already been married for ten years, had three kids, etc. even though they were my age).

In retrospect, I am really glad I did the big wedding. His family was wealthy so it's not like they couldn't afford the wedding gifts, etc. and I think sometimes when you're going through rough times, it's nice to think about the wedding and the good times, the way you once worshipped each other. It hurts to think that there may have been people at my wedding judging me as doing something inappropriate by wearing a wedding dress, walking down an aisle, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married at the age of 29 to a guy who had had a brief starter marriage in his early 20's. I remember feeling really guilty that I was putting his family through the whole wedding thing again, but on the other hand, I had been fantasizing about my wedding and my wedding dress since I was five. I had also made some pretty serious career sacrifices (quitting on overseas assignment that would have put me on fast track, etc. in order to live in US with spouse) to make the marriage work. I also have parents who wanted to throw a nice wedding for their daughter, grandparents and elderly relatives who were looking forward to coming to the wedding, siblings that wanted to be in a wedding, etc. I had a couple of friends who actually wanted to be bridesmaids.

I remember at first saying I wanted nothing, no gifts, just contributions to a charity, etc. but I was basically talked into having a big wedding with bridesmaids, etc. I also thought, for some reason, that 29 was too old for a big party and that they were for younger people. On some level, I did feel like people expected me to be ashamed that I was marrying a divorced guy and I was almost 30. (Parts of my family are pretty working class so I had cousins that had already been married for ten years, had three kids, etc. even though they were my age).

In retrospect, I am really glad I did the big wedding. His family was wealthy so it's not like they couldn't afford the wedding gifts, etc. and I think sometimes when you're going through rough times, it's nice to think about the wedding and the good times, the way you once worshipped each other. It hurts to think that there may have been people at my wedding judging me as doing something inappropriate by wearing a wedding dress, walking down an aisle, etc.

I see this as a very different situation than OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

All of this!!!!!!!
Stop pissing on her parade !!!

Immediate PP here. It's not about pissing on a parade. It's about the fact that these kinds of events typically involve a year of feteing and expenses for the bridal party and close friends/families. Never mind the fact that, even the first time around, etiquette is often conveniently ignored for the benefit of the bride...you see so many of these brides registering for engagement parties, and expecting their "girls" to go in on things like destination bachelortte parties, but I digress.

OP already did all that once. She laid out a ton of dough and was polite about it. Now, she's being asked to do it again and is going to receive family pressure to go along with it.

OP, I'd just decline. Have your husband handle it with your MIL. Save your money. Second weddings have even higher divorce rates.

1) If she does not want to be in the wedding, politely decline

2) you are full of crap -- you are judging because it is a 2nd marriage -- here's to hoping you do everything perfectly in your life and never divorce, leave a job, have a child do something embarrassing or not live up to your expectations. Here's to you never having to have a 'do over' and then have the gall to want to celebrate your 2nd chance

3) You need Jesus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. For those of us who have beefs with big second weddings, it isn't about expecting the couple to feel some sort of shame for their first union(s) not working out.

It's about the imposition on the guests.

It's not right to throw some big bash of a first wedding, which entails collecting engagement gifts, collecting shower gifts, collecting wedding gifts and checks, and sometimes bachelorette party gifts. Close family often have to purchase of bridesmaids dresses, rent tuxes, and fly their family to whatever state the wedding is in, all at considerable expense. Most people stretch to do this for a good friend the first time around. To ask everyone to line up and do the whole drill a second time around with the same level of enthusiasm is a little bit much.

OP, I'd come up with a reason to not be in the wedding. Politely decline. Unless you take cash gifts from your husband's parents, I don't see why you're so freaked out about upsetting the apple cart.

Give me a break -- Is the 2nd damn wedding a year after the first or years later?
Look I don't care if it is the 1st, 2nd or 33rd, if you cannot attend, politely decline. But you declining, for whatever reason, should not preclude the bride and groom from throwing whatever the hell kind of celebration they want!
WHAT A BUNCH OF ****&*** in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

[Anonymous]

This is a Catholic wedding. You can absolutely decide the bridesmaid role and ask whether you can do something else.

"Thanks so much for including me. I think I'm just too far away/preoccupied with the kids/busy with work travel/holding on to this baby weight" to really be the kind of bridesmaid you deserve. Do you think I could do a reading instead? Or bring up the gifts?"

If you offer to take on another role, you're still supporting her and no one will notice that you aren't wearing a strapless blush dress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing. It just really is press Repeat on the first wedding except this time she upped the ante by doing a Catholic mass.

IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TEACH HER SELF-AWARENESS

Honestly if I were getting remarried, I would love to just throw an awesome party and not deal with the hoopla of a big ceremony. I certainly wouldn't impose on any 40-something sister in law to be a bridesmaid!

NOPE, NOPE, NOPITY NOPE NOPE NOPE. YOU AREN'T GETTING REMARRIED; THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. DO YOU GET IT? THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Oh and I still have the dress from her first wedding because it's been sitting in my attic for 10 yrs, along with other bridesmaid dresses that I've accumulated but never had the heart to get rid of.

THEN YOU ARE A FREAKING HOARDER. START A THREAD ON THAT. THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS, AND IT IS SOMETHING WE CAN HELP YOU WITH.

Part of me wants to wear dress #1 to the rehearsal dinner (OF COURSE they're having a big one). I kid, but seriously, it would be amusing.

YOU ARE ALREADY BEING A JUDGMENTAL COW IN YOUR HEART AND BEHIND HER BACK, SO GO AHEAD AND DO THIS. AT LEAST THEN IT WILL BE BEING A BITCH TO HER FACE.