SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. For those of us who have beefs with big second weddings, it isn't about expecting the couple to feel some sort of shame for their first union(s) not working out.

It's about the imposition on the guests.

It's not right to throw some[b] big bash of a second wedding after having a big bash of a first wedding. The first wedding entailed [/b]collecting engagement gifts, collecting shower gifts, collecting wedding gifts and checks, and sometimes bachelorette party gifts. Close family often have to purchase of bridesmaids dresses, rent tuxes, and fly their family to whatever state the wedding is in, all at considerable expense. Most people stretch to do this for a good friend the first time around. To ask everyone to line up and do the whole drill a second time around with the same level of enthusiasm is a little bit much.

OP, I'd come up with a reason to not be in the wedding. Politely decline. Unless you take cash gifts from your husband's parents, I don't see why you're so freaked out about upsetting the apple cart.

Sorry - was typing too fast, edited for clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

All of this!!!!!!!
Stop pissing on her parade !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

All of this!!!!!!!
Stop pissing on her parade !!!

Immediate PP here. It's not about pissing on a parade. It's about the fact that these kinds of events typically involve a year of feteing and expenses for the bridal party and close friends/families. Never mind the fact that, even the first time around, etiquette is often conveniently ignored for the benefit of the bride...you see so many of these brides registering for engagement parties, and expecting their "girls" to go in on things like destination bachelortte parties, but I digress.

OP already did all that once. She laid out a ton of dough and was polite about it. Now, she's being asked to do it again and is going to receive family pressure to go along with it.

OP, I'd just decline. Have your husband handle it with your MIL. Save your money. Second weddings have even higher divorce rates.

[Anonymous]

I have no problems with second weddings at all..well, as long as the couple isn't begging others to finance it. If that's what the couple wants, so be it. I'd gladly attend and participate if asked.

[Anonymous]

OP,

She has a right to celebrate AS SHE WANTS.
You do not get the right to say anything critical.

You DO have the right to refuse to be a bridesmaid - and given your attitude, you should probably do just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

All of this!!!!!!!
Stop pissing on her parade !!!

Immediate PP here. It's not about pissing on a parade. It's about the fact that these kinds of events typically involve a year of feteing and expenses for the bridal party and close friends/families. Never mind the fact that, even the first time around, etiquette is often conveniently ignored for the benefit of the bride...you see so many of these brides registering for engagement parties, and expecting their "girls" to go in on things like destination bachelortte parties, but I digress.

OP already did all that once. She laid out a ton of dough and was polite about it. Now, she's being asked to do it again and is going to receive family pressure to go along with it.

OP, I'd just decline. Have your husband handle it with your MIL. Save your money. Second weddings have even higher divorce rates.

Yes, yes, yes, WE KNOW. It's not that we don't understand and agree with it. But it's NOT OP'S call whether SIL should do this. OP's business is simply attend or don't, be in the party or don't. Face the family pressure, because if they get put out, so what?

[Anonymous]

Specific reasons -- especially for people who love the Drama -- are things to argue about.

"Oh, how exciting! What an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Things are so complicated way over here that I couldn't do the role justice, but thank you for asking. I will definitely make it to the wedding, and I do wish you the best. Have fun!"

[Anonymous]

I wonder how would you feel OP if you were getting married for the second time? If the roles were reversed? I think you can make a choice not to participate, but second and third marriages are so common these days, that I don't see what is there to object to. If you can't afford all the expenses, just decline to participate.

[Anonymous]

You know the saying is that wedding are not really about the couple but about the family? Well, now that it didn't work out the first time, wedding is about the family again, just this time family doesn't want a big hoopla?

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally hear you. Was recently a bridesmaid in a close family member's incredibly lavish 4th wedding. I spent more on my clothing, makeup, hair, etc. for that wedding than I did for my own wedding. I also totally get being annoyed with showy family members: it stung for awhile when my vivacious SIL appeared in more of my wedding photos than me. She thought it was pretty awesome. But you know, that's who you end up with in your family sometimes.

So. In the grand scheme of things, she's your SIL and if they are the type to hold grudges and that will affect your interaction with part of your family... I don't know if that's the hill I'd pick to die on. Say no to as much as you can (if she's doing trips, showers, etc) and let her know up front that you are happy for her and want to be there on her big day and find out what she has in mind if you don't already know. And then see what you can do to psych yourself up to have fun at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

So your judgmental self figures they shouldn't have the wedding they want. Perhaps your best move would be to decline to attend at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

+1

And what does shame have to do with this?

OP here. "Humility" as in, SIL is not being at all humble in this situation. Instead she is being her typical self-centered self. (Yes, there's obviously baggage here.) I never said she should feel humiliated (different word) or ashamed. I'm totally glad she dumped husband #1 and found husband #2.

To answer the questions of other posters, she is 39. It is the groom's first wedding, though he is way older than her and has a couple kids as well who are in the tween years.

Supposedly she got an annulment of the first marriage though it wasn't even performed in a Catholic church so I don't understand how that is necessary.

What is she supposed to be "humble" about? And why is she supposed to be "humble" about this marriage, and not her first?

NP here. Maybe because marriage is supposed to be forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can sympathize with you. Going through the same thing right now with my best friend. Second time I am in a wedding for the same person, second time I'm having to spend hundreds of $$ for all of the wedding BS. I'm going along with it (what else am I supposed to do?) but don't think I'm not bitching behind her back. At least this time, 15 years later, I actually have the money to spend. Still don't want to spend it on this though.

I hate being in weddings though. Always have. I don't mind helping with the wedding planning, bridal shower, etc...just hate being in it. So glad the wedding is this weekend and will be over soon.

Whats with all the complaining? It's 15 years later! You act like it was last year!

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one wondering why op still has the bridesmaid dress fro the first wedding?!

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand what the problem is. It's silly she's having a lavish second wedding but it doesn't seem like something to get upset about or boycott. You seem to have some sort of issue with her. I don't see why you can't just attend the wedding and be happy. Be a bridesmaid but don't majorly go out of your way.