SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a third wife--that's right, my husband was married TWICE before me. And yet we still had a wedding when we got married. It was probably fairly understated by some people's standards--no bridesmaids or groomsmen, finger foods reception at our house afterward, no associated showers, engagement parties, etc. But it was still a church wedding with about 100 people, most of whom gave us very nice gifts (and, yes, we registered).

Here's the thing: none of them questioned us or were nasty about it. They were gracious and generous. They didn't begrudge my husband for having a second wedding (only one of his previous marriages had included a wedding). Instead, all of his friends and family really love him, and they'd watched him through a lifetime of poor decisions and bad luck in love, and I like to think that they were optimistic that maybe he'd gotten it right this time. (And, indeed, our marriage has already lasted 3x as long as his longest previously.)

So, that's another option for you: just be happy for the new couple, and offer them the love and support that marriage requires. I tend to agree that most of the trappings of a wedding are pretty stupid, so you can skip or minimize that stuff and focus instead on supporting the new couple and their life ahead.

So, nothing like the OP's situation. Her SIL is asking her to shell out money to be a bridesmaid again. And that is where I draw the line. (That and a registry for a second wedding.)

Although, I can top this. My best friend had someone ask her to be a bridesmaid. My friend bought her (nonrefundable) dress, and the friend called off the wedding. Friend then got engaged again, asked the same women to be her bridesmaids, and then chose a different bridesmaids dress that they had to buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

No, sorry. It's fine for them to ask, and "pressure" is all about perception. The only thing that is OP's business is whether to decline or accept, to "cave to the pressure" or not. That is the only part of this that is OP's business.

This is exactly true. She is completely free to decline being a bridesmaid. Frankly, maybe your relative is only including you because she feels obligated to, and she knows that you're a judgmental bitch, and will secretly be thrilled that she doesn't have to include a two-faced busybody in her party. Do her the favor and bow out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a third wife--that's right, my husband was married TWICE before me. And yet we still had a wedding when we got married. It was probably fairly understated by some people's standards--no bridesmaids or groomsmen, finger foods reception at our house afterward, no associated showers, engagement parties, etc. But it was still a church wedding with about 100 people, most of whom gave us very nice gifts (and, yes, we registered).

Here's the thing: none of them questioned us or were nasty about it. They were gracious and generous. They didn't begrudge my husband for having a second wedding (only one of his previous marriages had included a wedding). Instead, all of his friends and family really love him, and they'd watched him through a lifetime of poor decisions and bad luck in love, and I like to think that they were optimistic that maybe he'd gotten it right this time. (And, indeed, our marriage has already lasted 3x as long as his longest previously.)

So, that's another option for you: just be happy for the new couple, and offer them the love and support that marriage requires. I tend to agree that most of the trappings of a wedding are pretty stupid, so you can skip or minimize that stuff and focus instead on supporting the new couple and their life ahead.

So, nothing like the OP's situation. Her SIL is asking her to shell out money to be a bridesmaid again. And that is where I draw the line. (That and a registry for a second wedding.)

Although, I can top this. My best friend had someone ask her to be a bridesmaid. My friend bought her (nonrefundable) dress, and the friend called off the wedding. Friend then got engaged again, asked the same women to be her bridesmaids, and then chose a different bridesmaids dress that they had to buy.

Then you and your friends can open your mouths and say NO. N-O. No one is holding a gun to your head about being in a wedding party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job to decide whether her second wedding is over the top, or whatever. That's not your call, or your business.

It IS your business to decide whether to attend; RSVP yes or no, promptly. It IS your business to tell her yes or no to being a bridesmaid; tell her yes or no, politely, promptly.

You are not Hall Monitor of the World.

This.
OP you want to register your dismay? Why should anyone care if you are dismayed? Feel free to decline being a bridesmaid but you have to room to comment on anything else. I'm surprised you don't have the humility to not insert your opinion into someone else's wedding...

[Anonymous]

I think a huge blowout second wedding is even tackier than a mom-thrown shower!! And I'm divorced. It absolutely boggles my mind to see remarriages with the whole shebang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

You can get a church annulment after the legal divorce. Then, you are free to marry in the church again.

If your first marriage was out of the church and there was never a convalidation of that union, you can get married in the church your second time around. This is because the church doesn't recognize your first union.

False, my DH was married before and would had had to get an annulment from his first marriage. They were married by a judge. So we got married in an understanding Presbyterian church instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a third wife--that's right, my husband was married TWICE before me. And yet we still had a wedding when we got married. It was probably fairly understated by some people's standards--no bridesmaids or groomsmen, finger foods reception at our house afterward, no associated showers, engagement parties, etc. But it was still a church wedding with about 100 people, most of whom gave us very nice gifts (and, yes, we registered).

Here's the thing: none of them questioned us or were nasty about it. They were gracious and generous. They didn't begrudge my husband for having a second wedding (only one of his previous marriages had included a wedding). Instead, all of his friends and family really love him, and they'd watched him through a lifetime of poor decisions and bad luck in love, and I like to think that they were optimistic that maybe he'd gotten it right this time. (And, indeed, our marriage has already lasted 3x as long as his longest previously.)

So, that's another option for you: just be happy for the new couple, and offer them the love and support that marriage requires. I tend to agree that most of the trappings of a wedding are pretty stupid, so you can skip or minimize that stuff and focus instead on supporting the new couple and their life ahead.

So, nothing like the OP's situation. Her SIL is asking her to shell out money to be a bridesmaid again. And that is where I draw the line. (That and a registry for a second wedding.)

Although, I can top this. My best friend had someone ask her to be a bridesmaid. My friend bought her (nonrefundable) dress, and the friend called off the wedding. Friend then got engaged again, asked the same women to be her bridesmaids, and then chose a different bridesmaids dress that they had to buy.

My point was that, regardless of the details, we chose to have a wedding, which our guests could have deemed "tacky" and derided us for. Some posters here are even implying that they probably did so behind our backs. I would rather choose to believe that the love and kindness they expressed on our wedding day and subsequently was genuine. I was hoping that the OP could see through the lace and tule to appreciate that the bride and groom are still starting a new life journey, and they'll still benefit from the support of their family and friends.

I guess another thing shaping my perspective is that I dislike most of the trappings of big weddings whether the first time or subsequent times. In every case, we can either choose to focus on the excessiveness of engagement parties and seated dinners, or we can just be kind to the bride and groom while exercising our own capacity to set limits on how we will participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blow out second weddings are tacky if you had a big first wedding. It's like double dipping. I agree with the OP. Show some humility.
I'd find an excuse to avoid the whole scene.

What if only one person has been married before?

They might want to rethink their decision to marry a divorced person, if they want a big wedding.

"I'm sorry I can't marry you. Some of my friends/family will think it's tacky to have the wedding I want."

Yeah that absolutely seems reasonable.

OR the tacky police could just decline to attend the wedding, leaving the bride and groom alone to celebrate how they want to.

[Anonymous]

I hope anyone who thought my wedding plans were tacky would RSVP with a "not attending."

[Anonymous]

Just let her know that your not available to participate as a bridesmaid but are looking forward to attending (or send your regrets). Other than that, it is absolutely none of your business how to other people choose to celebrate their marriage? Your views, your expectations, your preferences, they're all wholly irrelevant. And given how little you seem to think of her, I am sure she is not a fan of yours either. If you don't go, I am doubtful it will break her heart, or that she would even notice. Not everyone needs to get along and be the closest of friends. Treating each other civilly, being respectful, and not trash talking family members behind their backs, though, would seem to be a pretty basic set of expectations. Why don't you just try living up to that very, very low bar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let her know that your not available to participate as a bridesmaid but are looking forward to attending (or send your regrets). Other than that, it is absolutely none of your business how to other people choose to celebrate their marriage? Your views, your expectations, your preferences, they're all wholly irrelevant. And given how little you seem to think of her, I am sure she is not a fan of yours either. If you don't go, I am doubtful it will break her heart, or that she would even notice. Not everyone needs to get along and be the closest of friends. Treating each other civilly, being respectful, and not trash talking family members behind their backs, though, would seem to be a pretty basic set of expectations. Why don't you just try living up to that very, very low bar?

Wholly irrelevant? Nope. Where the SIL and BIL go on their honeymoon is wholly irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with her.

The wedding has to do with the OP because she's getting asked to fund a portion of it. If and when she respectfully declines to participate, she'll have to deal with the annoyance of begrudged relatives. It's annoying. It's not the end of the world. OP and those of us who think these things are classless have a right to be irritated at the request to participate. Much like you have a right to be annoyed by a relative who wants a second baby shower. "Hey, you don't have to host it!" "You don't have to go!" Yep, we understand. We still have a right to our own thoughts about classless behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a huge blowout second wedding is even tackier than a mom-thrown shower!! And I'm divorced. It absolutely boggles my mind to see remarriages with the whole shebang.

Those same people find you tacky for being divorced. Isn't judgment fun? Everyone finds someone tacky for something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her know that your not available to participate as a bridesmaid but are looking forward to attending (or send your regrets). Other than that, it is absolutely none of your business how to other people choose to celebrate their marriage? Your views, your expectations, your preferences, they're all wholly irrelevant. And given how little you seem to think of her, I am sure she is not a fan of yours either. If you don't go, I am doubtful it will break her heart, or that she would even notice. Not everyone needs to get along and be the closest of friends. Treating each other civilly, being respectful, and not trash talking family members behind their backs, though, would seem to be a pretty basic set of expectations. Why don't you just try living up to that very, very low bar?

Wholly irrelevant? Nope. Where the SIL and BIL go on their honeymoon is wholly irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with her.

The wedding has to do with the OP because she's getting asked to fund a portion of it. If and when she respectfully declines to participate, she'll have to deal with the annoyance of begrudged relatives. It's annoying. It's not the end of the world. OP and those of us who think these things are classless have a right to be irritated at the request to participate. Much like you have a right to be annoyed by a relative who wants a second baby shower. "Hey, you don't have to host it!" "You don't have to go!" Yep, we understand. We still have a right to our own thoughts about classless behavior.

OP wants advice on how to register her displeasure to the bride. She has absolutely no right to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her know that your not available to participate as a bridesmaid but are looking forward to attending (or send your regrets). Other than that, it is absolutely none of your business how to other people choose to celebrate their marriage? Your views, your expectations, your preferences, they're all wholly irrelevant. And given how little you seem to think of her, I am sure she is not a fan of yours either. If you don't go, I am doubtful it will break her heart, or that she would even notice. Not everyone needs to get along and be the closest of friends. Treating each other civilly, being respectful, and not trash talking family members behind their backs, though, would seem to be a pretty basic set of expectations. Why don't you just try living up to that very, very low bar?

Wholly irrelevant? Nope. Where the SIL and BIL go on their honeymoon is wholly irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with her.

The wedding has to do with the OP because she's getting asked to fund a portion of it. If and when she respectfully declines to participate, she'll have to deal with the annoyance of begrudged relatives. It's annoying. It's not the end of the world. OP and those of us who think these things are classless have a right to be irritated at the request to participate. Much like you have a right to be annoyed by a relative who wants a second baby shower. "Hey, you don't have to host it!" "You don't have to go!" Yep, we understand. We still have a right to our own thoughts about classless behavior.

Oh, and I'm pretty much sure that SIL doesn't know that OP dislikes her. People like OPs SIL think everyone loves them. That's why they don't have any reservations about putting out friends and family for their "fresh start" aka do-over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a huge blowout second wedding is even tackier than a mom-thrown shower!! And I'm divorced. It absolutely boggles my mind to see remarriages with the whole shebang.

Those same people find you tacky for being divorced. Isn't judgment fun? Everyone finds someone tacky for something!

Nope. I find big second weddings with all the extras tacky.

I don't find divorce tacky, or even second marriages.

The tacky element is driven by the gift and money grabbing mentality, not the new relationship.