SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a huge blowout second wedding is even tackier than a mom-thrown shower!! And I'm divorced. It absolutely boggles my mind to see remarriages with the whole shebang.

Those same people find you tacky for being divorced. Isn't judgment fun? Everyone finds someone tacky for something!

Nope. I find big second weddings with all the extras tacky.

I don't find divorce tacky, or even second marriages.

The tacky element is driven by the gift and money grabbing mentality, not the new relationship.

You don't personally find divorce tacky, but there have been women on this forum have stated that they find divorcees "tacky". There is something about you that someone out there finds tacky. So who ultimately cares what someone else thinks is tacky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a huge blowout second wedding is even tackier than a mom-thrown shower!! And I'm divorced. It absolutely boggles my mind to see remarriages with the whole shebang.

Those same people find you tacky for being divorced. Isn't judgment fun? Everyone finds someone tacky for something!

Nope. I find big second weddings with all the extras tacky.

I don't find divorce tacky, or even second marriages.

The tacky element is driven by the gift and money grabbing mentality, not the new relationship.

You don't personally find divorce tacky, but there have been women on this forum have stated that they find divorcees "tacky". There is something about you that someone out there finds tacky. So who ultimately cares what someone else thinks is tacky?

Sure. But you can cut down on the amount of people who find you "tacky" by thinking of your guests first, being a gracious host, and not throwing an event that is a pretty flagrant violation of established wedding etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her know that your not available to participate as a bridesmaid but are looking forward to attending (or send your regrets). Other than that, it is absolutely none of your business how to other people choose to celebrate their marriage? Your views, your expectations, your preferences, they're all wholly irrelevant. And given how little you seem to think of her, I am sure she is not a fan of yours either. If you don't go, I am doubtful it will break her heart, or that she would even notice. Not everyone needs to get along and be the closest of friends. Treating each other civilly, being respectful, and not trash talking family members behind their backs, though, would seem to be a pretty basic set of expectations. Why don't you just try living up to that very, very low bar?

Wholly irrelevant? Nope. Where the SIL and BIL go on their honeymoon is wholly irrelevant, because it has nothing to do with her.

The wedding has to do with the OP because she's getting asked to fund a portion of it. If and when she respectfully declines to participate, she'll have to deal with the annoyance of begrudged relatives. It's annoying. It's not the end of the world. OP and those of us who think these things are classless have a right to be irritated at the request to participate. Much like you have a right to be annoyed by a relative who wants a second baby shower. "Hey, you don't have to host it!" "You don't have to go!" Yep, we understand. We still have a right to our own thoughts about classless behavior.

OP is an adult. She can go, or not go, completely her choice. And if by having to "deal with" letting other relatives down, you are making a lot of assumptions. That other relatives care, that other relatives expect the OP to care, and that adults in the normal course of their days aren't expected to engage in basic social decision-making, and that people don't regularly find ways to politely, and concisely, different conversations away from these topics. as for having the OO pay for her wedding, I don't think that is what the bride is doing. She has invited someone to serve in a role costs money in terms of a dress, etc. If the person doesn't want to, so what? If the OP can't manage these basic social situations, she should learn. Pretty basic.

I, for one, really like second weddings. I've been to many, ranging widely in formality and involvement. It's a celebration of two people in love, for goodness sake, and I love celebrating it with friends and family. I'm happily married to my first DH so I don't see a second wedding in my future. If I were to marry again, though, I'd hope that anyone with OP's views would just have the good sense to RSVP regrets. Who wants to deal with such a downer at a celebration?

[Anonymous]

Just decline anything you don't want to do.

You can't suggest that they tone down their wedding. It's their wedding, not yours.

[Anonymous]

The consensus is that the blow-out 2nd wedding, full Catholic mass is over the top. Whether OP decides to participate is her decision but does carry consequences.

[Anonymous]

Cross-stitch a big, scarlet D and have her wear it on her second wedding dress.

[Anonymous]

Don't stress about it. Go. Have fun. Be a bridesmaid IF YOU WANT. Don't, if you don't want to.

Stop worrying about what it SHOULD be and if it is tacky or not (really? do you really care?).

[Anonymous]

OP, your opinion on the wedding does not matter. Not even a little bit. There is no way for you to address this.

Decline to be a bridesmaid. For that matter, why go at all? Send your regrets and be done with it. When family beaks off tell them you thought the whole thing was ridiculous, and preferred to not be there. Then YOU can deal with the fallout, not the bride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

You're across country. Just decline on the basis of the distance and your work schedule.

[Anonymous]

My dads sister declined being a bridesmaid for his only wedding (i.e. To my mom). She said she didn't want to spend money on the dress, but then declined after my mom offered to pay. The fact that I know that definitely tells me my mom was surprised / thought it was a bit strange, but I don't think it was a big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP- that's a tough one. I would hate it too. I'd probably grin and bare it though and do the minimum buy the dress and only go to the wedding and reception... but I would hate every minute of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

I wouldn't care about this issue at all. It's her wedding/so what. I'd just be clear about my financial/time constraints and decline to be in the party if I didn't feel I could.

But I had to LOL at the bolded. I'm going to use that line in the future when I'm a sourpuss about something over which I have no control.

Clutch pearls/register dismay.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read everything but my guess is OP is Jealous. I would just be happy for SIL and if you can't be happy then don't be a bridesmaid. You have no idea what went on in her first marriage and she just may be super happy. I say yes to love! If you are happy but can't make all the events then say so and just come in for the wedding and stand up for her. Good grief so many people are miserable that I love going to a happy second wedding

[Anonymous]

That's obnoxious, but I would probably just grin and bear it since there is nothing to accomplish by taking a stand. She's not going to change the whole wedding based on your opinion and it's only going to hurt her feelings if you suggest she should tone it down. But feel free to blow off the pre-wedding events and whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read everything but my guess is OP is Jealous. I would just be happy for SIL and if you can't be happy then don't be a bridesmaid. You have no idea what went on in her first marriage and she just may be super happy. I say yes to love! If you are happy but can't make all the events then say so and just come in for the wedding and stand up for her. Good grief so many people are miserable that I love going to a happy second wedding

this!!!!!!!!!