SIL getting remarried but no humility re 2nd wedding

[Anonymous]

So my SIL is getting remarried. We're very happy for her and all. However, we all expected that her 2nd wedding would be a more understated affair than the first, which was a blowout. I was a bridesmaid in the first and still have the silly dress. We spent a lot of time & money for the first wedding. Now the 2nd wedding is turning out to be a repeat of the first, essentially. It will be a full Catholic mass and a full dinner/dancing reception. Huge bridal party. AND, she has asked me to be a bridesmaid again! We're already going to be spending time and money to travel across the country for this 2nd wedding. Now this. Is there any way I can say no to being a bridesmaid or otherwise register my dismay with the way this wedding planning is going?

Again, we're happy for her and wish her the best. But I thought 2nd weddings were supposed to be more low-key - - at least the ceremony? If they want to throw a big party that's fine, but to make us all press repeat on the big wedding - - dress, shoes, hair, pictures, etc etc etc - - seems obnoxious. The only thing she hasn't done is register . . . yet.

Do I just need to grit my teeth and get over it? Or is there some tactful way I could decline being a bridesmaid and suggest she tone it down?

[Anonymous]

Is it his first wedding?

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to tone it down, don't even bother. You should focus on coming up with a good/believable excuse for not being a bridesmaid to at least save yourself that hassle. But yea, give up on trying to get her to tone it down or anything of the sort.

[Anonymous]

Just decline to be a bridesmaid. Go and have fun!

[Anonymous]

You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who is divorced. Her bf wants to marry her, but some of her hesitation is it's important to him and his close-knit extended family that his first wedding be a traditional / big wedding. She would go to town hall because she's done it before and is worried people would judge. I suspect if she decides to marry him she will give-in to his preference since it's his first.

[Anonymous]

People have no shame.

I'd tell her that you need to back out of being a bridesmaid because you live across the country and cannot help plan all the big activities - bridal party, divorcee (ahem, bachelorette) party, and wedding.

[Anonymous]

How old is SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is divorced. Her bf wants to marry her, but some of her hesitation is it's important to him and his close-knit extended family that his first wedding be a traditional / big wedding. She would go to town hall because she's done it before and is worried people would judge. I suspect if she decides to marry him she will give-in to his preference since it's his first.

My sister remarried, his first marriage her second. They recently had a baby, also his first her second. They had a very small wedding, didn't have any bridal shower or anything, and had a small baby sprinkle/shower for just his side of the family. There are definitely some feelings there of him having missed out on getting the big celebration if his firsts due to them being her second.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is any obligation to agree to being a bridesmaid. Just tell her that the travel is going to wear you out and you would be happy to enjoy her wedding as a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

[Anonymous]

Wait, what does humility have to do with this?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can sympathize with you. Going through the same thing right now with my best friend. Second time I am in a wedding for the same person, second time I'm having to spend hundreds of $$ for all of the wedding BS. I'm going along with it (what else am I supposed to do?) but don't think I'm not bitching behind her back. At least this time, 15 years later, I actually have the money to spend. Still don't want to spend it on this though.

I hate being in weddings though. Always have. I don't mind helping with the wedding planning, bridal shower, etc...just hate being in it. So glad the wedding is this weekend and will be over soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

If she has her previous marriage(s) annulled by the church, she is free to marry again as if she was never married before. I know couples who were married decades with grown kids who had their marriages annulled by the church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say no to being a bridesmaid, but I don't think there's any way to politely suggest they tone it down. I don't know the particulars of the end of the first marriage, but I thought most Catholic churches wouldn't perform a mass for a 2nd marriage.

They will if she is widowed (& her fiance either never married or is a widower).

You can get a church annulment after the legal divorce. Then, you are free to marry in the church again.