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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.
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OP, I'm in a similar situation, but I have two kids. Most of the time, my husband is a great partner and father--supportive, patient, loving. But he has some periods where he goes batshit angry over small things, or becomes extremely confrontational and provocative, usually when he is either stressed out or feels criticized. The first itme I really saw it, however, was when we had our first baby. He went into a rage about my hanging up his pants incorrectly--I know this sounds crazy. But he had a tendency to just leave his suits on the floor where they would get wrinked, and this often annoyed me (the dry cleaning bills, the laundry, etc), so I would routinely ask him not to do this. But othertimes I would just hang them up, but sometimes didn't crease them correctly.  This time, I hung them up, incorrectly creased I guess, and put them on the door of the closet (not in the closet) so he could decide whether they needed to be cleaned  or just put away. But instead he took this as a passive aggressive attack on him--that I deliberately hung them in view to berate him--and was yelling, out of control, following me around the house. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, planning to leave, then thinking, with utter despair, that I was stuck. I had a baby and would not leave that child alone with a man so intemperate.

Things have never been that bad again, but the stress of a new baby was really, really difficult, so I would really suggest that unless he does anger management and you do couples therapy, put off having kids.

I also am in the same place where DH says that he's frustrated that he cant "express himself"--that his way of expressing himself, barking and waving hands, is not meant to be aggressive to me, but of course I experience it that way. We have different conflict styles there, and that is tough.  I have never felt fear about my physical safety, but my emotional safety is another issue, and the example it sets for the kids. We have gone to therapy, and could use more of it, and he has toned it down over the years. But I understand what the phrase 'walking on eggshells' means around certain issues--i cannot correct him or suggest he's done something wrong in certain areas, ever (even though he does it to me)--he gets extremely defensive and goes on the attack. If I do criticize a particular thing he does or says and tell him that it makes me feel hurt/angry/whatever, he cannot hear me--instead, he hears me saying that I think he is a horrible husband and piece of crap and he basically completely escalates the argument--so I've learned, over the years, that it is very delicate thing to criticize him and that I have to be really patient. Alot of it has to do with the way he was raised, terrible self esteem and an abusive, angry father.

It makes me angry, because its unfair--he gets to act in a way with no consequences, whereas I am on the receiving end of anger. Just last night, he did something critical and intrusive and I got annoyed and pointed out that if I had done that to him, he would have flown off the handle. Mostly because I really wanted him to have a sense of perspective, that I'm tired of being barked at for doing things he does all the time. But instead he got very angry at me, telling me that I couldn't take any criticism and it was illegitimate of me to bring up his past behavior, and he escalated the argument into how I was bashing him, etc.  Its not like he's exploding with rage, its more that we cannot have normal, functional easy resolution of small conflicts like healthily married couples. Things are either avoided completely or turn into arguments. As a result of the avoidance (my usual strategy) we are not as close as we could be, and I am always stressed when we have to deal with things that we have differences of opinion on. I am not planning on leaving as long as the kids are not affected and things dont get worse, but if I could go back in time, I probably would not have married him. 
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Did he behave the same way before marriage? In the first year of marriage?[/quote]

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