Reply to My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I grew up with a father with an anger management problem. Please do not have children with this man.

I grew up terrified of my father. As in, I would cry if I had to be home alone with him. Up until my early 20's, if any older man (teacher, boss, etc.) got angry at me, I'd get tears in my eyes and do the Silent Cry. I couldn't help it - I assumed there was so much anger behind their yelling and that they were just as angry as my father always was.

My father mellowed around the age of 60. For him. He still yells at my mother in restaurants and other public places.

A few years ago my father got so angry at my mother while we were in the car, that he expressed his anger by shooting forward, then slamming on the brakes, and I had a panic attack for the only time in my life.

PLEASE do NOT have children with a man like this. 
[/quote]

I think people can easily overlook the fact that traits in a person that are difficult for other adults to deal with can be IMPOSSIBLE for children to deal with.  OP, as an adult, has a hard time not being afraid or hurt by her DHs outburst and she's had years of dealing with them to develop strategies.  A small child, that doesn't have the coping mechanisms or understanding of an adult, doesn't have many resources to protect themselves from this kind of behavior.  They're just left wide open and pretty defenseless.  [/quote]

OP, you were embarrassed?  Imagine you're a 13 year old girl and your father has a similar tantrum when he misses the green light while driving you and a friend to a movie.  I have had to "explain" my father to numerous friends, etc. over the years, and it's ridiculous.  My neighbors growing up thought we were abused because they could hear my father yelling all the time.  And we lived in SFHs.  I never felt "abused" growing up and I don't think I was, but I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells around my father to prevent an outburst.  I wasn't scared of him like some PPs were of their fathers.  More, I was scared of the embarrassment and judgment from others.  My reactions to conflict are still abormal, and I'm almost 40.  Please really think about having children with this person.  Think about THEM, not you.

The fact that he's meditating to address the issue is a good sign.  I think this incident shows that he really should try some therapy, as well, for his anger management problem.  Stop letting him blame you for his unacceptable reactions to every day stresses.  It's not ok.  And please think for yourself whether you want to spend the next 30-40 years with this person.  The answer may be yes.  But you only get one life.  You shouldn't spend most of your time with someone who treats you poorly because you're worried about who else, if anyone, is out there.[/quote]

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