Deciding to have kids later- do you regret/ are you happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 35 my gynecologist told me, "Don't worry, you have plenty of time." Turns out she was wrong. I started trying at 37 and endured several losses, and now I'm facing total infertility at 40. If you're willing to go through fertility treatments and perhaps use donor eggs, by all means, wait. I just wish someone had told me to freeze my eggs when I was younger.

Then again, some 40-year-old women make babies easily. You never know.

Not trying to be harsh but shouldn't you already know this? Don't most older women know that they may have trouble conceiving at an AMA?

Not the PP, but if her gynocologist was telling her she had plenty of time at 35, then it wasn't unreasonable for her to think she had time.

I think a lot of women think they have until 40. And at 35, that may seem like a lot of time, but they don't realize that even if they start trying at 35, it could take a year to get pregnant, then that could end in miscarriage. It could take a few months to get your cycles back to normal. Next thing you know, you're 38.

I don't think people realize it could take a few years to have a successful pregnancy (at any age). I think most people assume they'll get pregnant fast once they start trying. They don't factor in the possibility of hiccups.

I started trying at 36. I thought that would be fine. Three miscarriages later, I'm 39, and the picture looks entirely different. In my 20s, I was so conditioned to use birth control because you could so easily get pregnant. I think it never really occurred to me that getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy is a process.

That said, I don't regret waiting. I didn't start dating my husband until I was a month shy of 31. I don't regret waiting even after that. I think our marriage would be very different if we had rushed to have children. I am glad we took the time to build a solid marriage (to work out all of the kinks of living together, sharing a life together). I'm not saying that everyone needs that. But we did.

It's just a shame that time might run out.

I hope you have good luck (have you tried an ovulation kit)?

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I wanted to let this thread ride itself out for the weekend and just mull the posts one by one as they came in. Thank you, everyone, who offered thoughtful responses, both pro and con. You've really given me a lot to think about it, and I think that's a positive thing. Both DH and I are very analytical and even this kind of anecdotal stuff is really good for us to weigh.

DH and I had a great talk about it yesterday. Financially, this is actually a really good time for us. I understand what people are saying about college, etc. but I don't think that will be the worry it would have been if we had children earlier in our relationship. We are both established in our careers, but he's reached a different point than most 40ishes, where his income is only going up now instead of stable. I don't have a lot more increase potential, but my career is in an industry that gives me a fair amount of flexibility like working from home, somewhat flexible hours, and the possibility of working for another company if I had to.

DHs big caveat was that if we do go for this, we maintain our very active lifestyle, both for ourselves, and so we will be healthier, longer. This will mean things like hiking instead of kayaking, or biking more becaus a chariot is pretty convenient, but I think is an important consideration that will help us maintain the life we're used to.

As far as "lifestyle", we've pretty much spent ourselves in that respect as far as going out, etc. we met in our late 20s, and had both gotten our respective willies out before we met, and then had a great period when we first met. We're more casual cocktail party at home kind of people, or splurge and get a good steak and bottle of wine for date night at home.

And yes, we understand that every.thing changes.

The post that resonated with me was most (and thank you PP) was on the first or second page and it spoke of "feeling ready" and unsure about being a good mother.. I guess that's the problem. I feel scared, not ready. I've never had the day to day drive to be a mother... But I'm not sure if that's because I put it out of my head due to circumstance? It seems so weird after 20 odd years of being so extremely careful with birth control (never even had a scare) to just ... Not, and let the chips fall where they do.

On that note, I already know in my heart (well, at this point), that I wouldn't pursue ART or anything like that if I can't get or keep a pregnancy. I also think we would be fine with an only child (I know... That's a whole other thread in is place!).

Now the weird part feels like pulling the trigger. It just seems so weird to have thought life would go one way, and then finding it might go the other.

Then again... I guess that's life in a nutshell!

Again, thank you.. I hope the posts keep coming

[Anonymous]

On DCUM you will hear a lot of "Go for it!!"
But 13 years and 40 years old IS a decision. You are just regretting it. Thee are not as many 40+ first time moms as you might think. There are several 3rd and 4th time moms, but they will not think the same as a first time mom does.

[Anonymous]

OP go for it. Sounds like you'd really want and love a baby. And don't knock ART until you're there. I think most of us who struggle with infertility didn't think we'd do ART.

[Anonymous]

OP Every year counts. People who say "I waited and had mine at 35!" are not the same as those who had them at 42 Seven years is a long time. Think of missing 7 years of retirement and instead doing 7 more years of working to pay the kids bills. And 7 more years of the children's school schedules. people have kids in their 40s, but many are thinking about pre retirement at 55. You will still be doing middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the older kids in a large family with a big hreak between most of the siblings and the one surprise pre-menopausal baby.

Here are my observations.

The surprise child was easily one of the best things that happened to our family. When he was younger, keeping up with him kept our parents much younger than their peers who were shifting into child free then grandparent mode.

However, when he hit his teen years our parents were senior citizens. They alternated between being a bit unrealistic to what being a teen was like (using standards of what it was like for the older siblings, a couple of whome were old enough to be his parents) to being too tired to keep up with a teenager. He got away with soo much because our parents were either too tired or too clueless to parent a teenager.

Our mom ended up with serious health problems when he was in high school and passed away after his first year of college. That loss impacted him fsr more than the rest of us. All his peers had parents in their 40s & 50s so none of them really could understand or support him well. He had the advantage of having plenty of older siblings to not only deal with supporting our mom through her health crisis, but also to help parent him through his loss. If he had been an only, particularly with no close extended family, dealing with an elderly parent's health issues and death would be a terrible burden for a teenager.

If you are going to do it, I doubt you will regret it. From my experience, I would make sure you stay as healthy as possible, think through how you plan to handle a teenager as a possible senior citizen, and consider trying to have more than one kid so your future teenager does not have to deal with potential older parent health, finance and mental issues alone.

It is so difficult dealing with elderly parent issues as a 40 year old. Think of the issues you are facing with your aging parents now and how you think you could handle those problems as a high school or college student, then plan to make those possible future issues as manageable as possible for your future child.

+1 people are not being mean spirited when they say "the time has passed" Age is more than just a number.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I know at this point, every year counts. But I literally *just* turned 40. I've checked the statistics, and I'm okay with them. The fact that up to this point DH and I haven't had the "pressing need" for children says a lot, to me (and I'm on the inside of this).

I'm not knocking ART, but at this point, I don't see that we "have" to go that route.

We have a good life. A good lifestyle. I wouldn't say we are sitting here with empty arms, like many people experience. But, it's obviously part of our lives that we both would like to experience. I don't think it will define us either way..or rather, it will define us either way, but I think as we are, which ever route life chooses is the way it will be.

I do understand about what PPs are saying about retirement... And I'm going to reinterate that the fact that this has been delayed puts us more or less ahead of the game. It may delay retirement one or two years, not 7. Had this happened earlier, it would have set us significantly back. So financially, our situation is a little unique. As far as taking my child to middle school activities and being retired or near retirement.. Well, wouldn't it be nice to be a SAHM without the same pressures?

[Anonymous]

Waiting gives you the maturity, patience, and, generally, a better economic situation, which makes the very difficult process of raising children less difficult.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

This is defenetly something that people don't consider when they choose to wait. I am 46 and my child graduated from the law school and been working and fully supporting himself for a year now. I am so glad that all the money I make now, all the free time I have I can spend the way I want.

PP here. It is all about tradeoffs. An empty nest at 50 is certainly appealing, but OTOH I spent my 20s and early 30s living abroad and having all kinds of adventures and experiences, and would not trade that for the world.

It is a drag sometimes not to be able to live for myself now. But I lived for myself for a very long time in young adulthood, which people who became parents at a young age did not.

Let's get real here. Traveling at 46 is wayyyy better than traveling at 28. You have more money and you spend your time more wisely.

I'm not the poster you are responding to, but preschoolers at 46? That sounds like a hellish way to spend middle age. Collecting social security and paying college? Yea. No.

Are you joking? Also who has an empty nest at 46? Only if you're white trash and then your idea of fun is probably going to Walmart. And you probably have great grandkidS.

But really the reason I'd rather be in my 20s or 30s and having fun is because there are a lot of other people doing it. Good luck finding a group of friends at 46 who want to go long trips to Europe, dine out at top restaurants and stay out late. You better hope you like spending time with your spouse because that's who you'll be hanging out with. Most other educated couples will have already done all of those things and will be focused on kids and maybe second homes. Not going to Ibiza.

Lol! I also have a second home, I'm at it right now sitting on the toilet.. Just because we had kids in our early 20s doesn't mean we're busted broke. I grew up in McLean and attended Sidwell. I've been to a Walmart maybe 3 times in my life.

At the risk of sounding pretentious, considering the kind of people I grew up with and the affluence I was surrounded with, it's not hard to find travel partners. Maybe that is the case for your circle, but not mine. #middleclassproblems #nobodytotravelwirh #cantrelate

Pp here. Curious but will your girlfriends travel with you? My friends won't go anywhere without their husbands. It seems hard to plan vacations around so many work schedules. Are you and your spouse wealthy enough that you don't have to work and you run around in the jet setting crowd? If so....why do you live in DC?!

Yes, we do a week girls trip at least once a year and then long weekends here and there. I will say though, most of my friends don't work normal 9-5 jobs if they even work.

We live in DC because we grew up here and we have friends and family here. A big network. Additionally we own a business together and this is where the money is at. The business will always keep us here. Owning our own business is what gives us a ton of flexibility to travel.

Though we live in DC (and like it here very much) we escape to our second home whenever we can when the weather gets cold and nasty.

So you run with an extremely wealthy crowd of educated people who don't work (or possibly own their own businesses that can be closed whenever to go on vacation...the very definition of a successful business) and had their kids early so everyone is ready to let loose in their 40s. That's a real unicorn! Never met one person like that, but you've found a whole crowd to hang with. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Waiting gives you the maturity, patience, and, generally, a better economic situation, which makes the very difficult process of raising children less difficult.

I got pregnant at 39 and had my child at 40. I so agree with this. I went to Baby & Me classes and I was by far the most laid-back parent. I couldn't believe how worked up the younger moms got over every little thing.

By the time we had our son, we'd done our partying, traveling, carousing. We were ready to settle down and had financial security, a nice house, a big circle of friends with kids. We were solidly on the same page with things. I'm 55 with a teen about to head off to college. 55 is hardly geriatric.

To me, we had the best of both worlds. A long time as a couple to enjoy ourselves; got to reset the clock with our child, enjoying all the fun kid things; and will send him off to the real world at about the time we're retiring.

It's win-win-win.

[Anonymous]

Your husband's point about maintaining an active lifestyle is well-taken, and I think very doable, if you're both on board with it. I have a four and two year old (and another on the way), and have still kept up my workouts as much as I did before I had kids (I'm 39, FWIW). I'm not rowing competitively anymore, but I still run, lift weights, swim, etc. There are creative ways to do it (chariot for a bike, jogging stroller, etc.), and it makes *such* a difference in maintaining health and keeping up with the kids. So, from my perspective, if you prioritize it, you can do it.

You sound like you have a good perspective, OP. As this thread shows, there are trade-offs regardless of when you decide to have children. Good luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

This is defenetly something that people don't consider when they choose to wait. I am 46 and my child graduated from the law school and been working and fully supporting himself for a year now. I am so glad that all the money I make now, all the free time I have I can spend the way I want.

We had our last child in our later 30's (36 me, 38 dh). At this point we are in our early 50's with 2 teenagers. Dh and I can absolutely go out and have fun now - the kids are plenty mature and responsible enough to stay at home in the evenings by themselves.

And we truly enjoy having our kids home now. I actually am glad that we don't have an empty nest, yet.

I think pps are talking about not having to work to support college educations, rather than date nights out.

For us the math worked out o.k. for us to both work in our 20's and early 30's while saving for retirement in the process. If we had had kids early on we likely would not have started our retirement savings as early as we did. All of our money would have been going towards childcare. We lived pretty frugally when we were DINKs and like Op, our idea of a date night was splurging on steaks and a bottle of wine, playing good music and enjoying time spent together at home. Once the kids were born, we would put them to bed and then enjoy time together afterwards.

Now in our 50's our kids are teens so we really don't have any childcare needs. We still need an income, we still need health insurance...so it's not like we could just both stop working and do something "fun". Although there is a certain peace of mind that comes with knowing that our kids are now past the sitter stage so that gives us some added flexibility. Definitely easier than the full on 24/7 childcare stage.

[Anonymous]

OP It sounds like you have made up your mind and best of luck!
But I hope you are not going by this thread since most of the PPs waited until they were 35, not 40. it takes a year to get pregnant and have the baby, so that's 41, not 35.
signed, 64 with teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, older parents; and those who maybe didn't set out specifically to be parents - are you happy with how it turned out? Do you regret it?

I am a first time parent at 47. DW is 35. I started out (in a different marriage) in my 20s thinking I never, ever wanted kids, largely because my FOO was pretty awful and I saw no reason to repeat that misery and feared I wouldn't be able to help myself.

I changed my mind in my mid 30s, and it was part of the reason (among many, but the final straw) I left my first wife. It obviously took a while to find the right partner (I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in a partner), but I could not be happier. We are in pretty good shape, "don't look our age" so keeping up with an infant hasn't been bad. He's also a ridiculously easy baby. I am somewhat worried about how ancient I'll feel when I'm at soccer games, etc., but other than that, it's completely worth it.

It does change your entire life - in a relentless, every minute of the day way - so go into it with your eyes open. I'll be honest, if it weren't for the fact that when he smiles and "talks" to me, it completely melts my heart and makes me explode with joy, I would be in jail for throwing him out the window months ago. It's intense like that...so be prepared and adjust your expectations. Pay close attention to friends who are parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP It sounds like you have made up your mind and best of luck!
But I hope you are not going by this thread since most of the PPs waited until they were 35, not 40. it takes a year to get pregnant and have the baby, so that's 41, not 35.
signed, 64 with teens

No.. No mind made up. This all terrifies me!

My problem is the fearful part of me is screaming noooooooo.

The heart part of me is screaming Yeeeeeesssssssss.

I'm hoping there will be a few posters who get, and speak to this.

That all being said, I'm not afraid to put my fate into the hands of luck/ the universe / God. I know in many ways, I'll be happy. Like I said, our lives are complete, and headed in a planned trajectory. Could we add to that? Yep. But I don't know if it makes us "more complete". Part of me hates that I feel that way, as I would love a child (or two) to add... But I don't think I feel incomplete without one.