Deciding to have kids later- do you regret/ are you happy?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together almost 13 years. Due to a few factors, not least of all both of us being somewhat ambivalent about it, we put off having children and have basically moved forward as though we wouldn't have kids.

The last few months, there's been a shift. I just turned 40, and I've been privately thinking I wish we did have kids. DH surprised me last night on his own, and asked if it's something we should reconsider.

I've been moving along, being okay that we wouldn't, and although I had days of feeling sad, it was a decision I was okay with. Now, with that door open and the option on the table, I feel completely different.

I guess the kicker is- now I wonder if it's really too late. We don't have a lot of time to "consider" it anymore, and TBH, I'm still on the fence. I know we have a great family unit, we could afford it, etc. That being said, I also worry a little about being older parents, and I really Enjoy lifestyle as it is (not that we wouldn't adjust and adore our new life as parents).

Yes, I know everything above is kind of simplistic, I just trying to abbreviate and collect my thoughts.

I read on here often, and have friends who have had "oops" children later on and have been so happy that it happened. Obviously, I know it wouldn't likely be so easy for me to conceive, etc. so there are other risks involved. I also have friends who say if they could do it all over again, they wouldn't have children. Not that they don't love them, just those musings if you ever really did get a do-over.

So, older parents; and those who maybe didn't set out specifically to be parents - are you happy with how it turned out? Do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

DH and I were married more than 10 years when we decided to start a family. I had my first child at 40 and adopted a few years later. DH and I 100% agree that this is the best decision we ever made in our life--not only to have children but to wait until later in life. Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

We love it - i had my career and was done with the competition and stress of it - i took 10 years off (40-50) and then went back to work. I'm older than my kids' friends parents but so what- i'm also much calmer, and so is our household. I'm not texting under the table or working until 8 pm. I have time to spend in the classroom - really BE with my kids while they're young.

[Anonymous]

We were together for 12 years and married for 6 when we had kids. Ambivalence is what we both felt--actively considered it for a long time but could not get off the fence. I knew, though, that if I did have kids it would be more than one and not when I was younger. I did not want to be 32 and at home with kids (I knew I would SAHM for at least some time if I did have kids) looking out the window thinking about what else the world had in store for me and feeling frustrated about things I missed out on. I accomplished A LOT in my 30s and am happy I waited.

We stopped birth control when I was 39 (played Russian roulette) and got pregnant within a few months. We were both stunned it happened so easily. No. 2 did not happen easily and required help. I read a lot of books trying to decide--there are a bunch of books about whether or not to pull the trigger. My favorite was Waiting for Daisy. After reading a bunch of those decision books I feel like a lot of them did not adequately discuss the joy that comes from kids and most came down on the side "Kids are hard work so you'd better be prepared." In Waiting for Daisy the writer's husband summed up his decision to go for it by comparing life to an amusement park and saying he wanted to go on all the rides. I was also fearful of missing out. 6 years of parenthood in I don't like how old I'll be when my younger kid is in high school but I am very happy as a parent now because I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be--I accomplished the majority of my bucket list already.

[Anonymous]

We've been married almost seven years and having the same thoughts as you OP. Really enjoy our lifestyle and I feel like we could always use more money no matter how much we have, even though we are in a very secure place financially. You likely won't conceive naturally but there are other options.

[Anonymous]

I had mine at 36 and 39. Not entirely by design-I had an ectopic a few years earlier and then our marriage went through a bad patch so we didn't have kids then. In both cases, I got pregnant right away (#2 wasn't really intentional though very welcome). 2nd pregnancy was actually easier despite being older.

There are times I feel my age-the sleep deprivation is harder as is rolling around on the floor and being jumped on. But my career is settled, our finances are better, and I'm actually thinner and in better shape than I was in my early 30s. I got to do a lot before I had kids-so I don't mind putting more exciting stuff on hold til the kids are a little older.

The only thing I regret is that the kids likely won't have their grandparents for that long. My parents are in their late 70s (of course, my dad's family tends to live into their 90s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married almost seven years and having the same thoughts as you OP. Really enjoy our lifestyle and I feel like we could always use more money no matter how much we have, even though we are in a very secure place financially. You likely won't conceive naturally but there are other options.

Wrong. Head on over to Expectant Moms and see how many got pregnant at 40 with no help. You need to start soon though and head to see a specialist if it takes more than 6 months of timed sex.

[Anonymous]

Was much like you, I've been monogamous with my DH since we were 20 and married at 25. Had kids at 38&40.

We completely regret not starting earlier and being able to have more. We are close to our families and it makes me very sad that my kids won't have grandparents long and that my parents didn't have grandkid's to play with 10 years earlier as they are fantastic.

Sure there are benefits to having kids late, but it really takes a toll on your body and frankly having kids is a much better life for us than before.

My advice to any young married woman is don't wait÷

[Anonymous]

I had my my at 40, and it's fine so far. Sure I wish I was younger and more energetic, but I'm older and calmer with a better perspective on what's important and what's not worth sweating over. DH and I didn't want kids at first, so we enjoyed several years together as a couple. I wanted a second, and that's not going to happen, but otherwise waiting until later hasn't been a big issue.

[Anonymous]

A little different scenario in that I didn't meet my husband until I was 37. I had my son at 40. I had spent the majority of my adult years NOT wanting kids. But I wanted one with my husband. I got pregnant in 2 weeks, by the way. So age is not always an issue. You can go to the GYN now to get a pre-conception check up to see if everything's pretty healthy.

Having a child was the best thing I've ever done in my life. Having waited until I was older gave me much more money, and infinitely more patience. I got a lot of travel and other experiences under my belt first. We still do that, but it's modified to accommodate a kid. I'm happier than I have ever been.

That doesn't mean it's not hard work. It is. And there are days I just wish I had an hour to myself to do whatever I wanted. But it's the best hard work I've ever done.

I haven't noticed an energy problem until recently. I'm 48. And I think it has more to do with peri-menopause than being a mom. So there's that to consider. But I've had no regrets at all.

[Anonymous]

We waited. Not until 40s, but 2 in late 30s.

For us, there are many positives. Our relationship is rock solid. I am much more mature and emotionally ready to handle the process of raising kids. It's not about me anymore, it's about the kids and I'm truly ready to embrace that reality. I'm sure some 25 year olds are mature enough to do this. I wasn't at 25. And the biggest factor of us - we are both in great spots in our career and have a lot of flexibility while earning a fair amount of money. The day-to-day lifestyle this allows us is significant. We don't sweat money and we really can structure our life in the way we want that allows us to maximize QT with the kids and keep our sanity. For us, that is a nanny, close commute in a nice house, flexible schedules because we're both the boss at work and have earned the flexibility, outsourcing a lot of chores so that we have time with the kids and maintain some personal time. It makes the day-to-day churn of having kids way more manageable and enjoyable. Given all of the above, I would have the kids later again.

The biggest downside is obviously you get less time with them overall in their lives. This is a big downside. If I could somehow live to be 130 and healthy the whole way, well that would be ideal! Or if I could have been emotionally and financially ready at 20, that would have been great too. But neither of those things are happening. So I'm pretty happy with where things ended up.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, there goes another "childfree" couple who panics at the last minute about not fitting in with society. Congrats on succumbing to peer pressure and socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, there goes another "childfree" couple who panics at the last minute about not fitting in with society. Congrats on succumbing to peer pressure and socialization.

Do you have comprehension problems?
We never celebrated being "child free". Circumstances made having children earlier not really on our radar, and it was something that just... Was. Now, it is something we can put on our radar.

We haven't "fit into society" so far and it's certainly not even part of this decision or a concern. I'm looking for both sides of *personal* experiences - those who are happy, and those who regret changing their minds.

Do you actually have an experience to share, or just a judgment?

[Anonymous]

9:46 again. I just wanted to add that my aunt had her two kids after a long period of childlessness. I think she had gotten married at 18 and didn't have her first one until 35. She had her second at 39. Those two kids are now 34 and 30, and she has two grandkids, 4 and 1. She's in great health and enjoying the grandkids immensely.

[Anonymous]

We had been married 8 years and I was 39 when DS was born. No regrets on timing, at all. We weren't ready before that and I think we couldn't have handled what ended up being a high needs baby. It had zero to do with "fitting into society" as most of my close friends do not have children.

What is different, not good or bad, just different, is that most women my age with young kids got married and pregnant in rapid succession. its just a different dynamic that I've noticed and sometimes it makes me feel old among people my own age.