Deciding to have kids later- do you regret/ are you happy?

[Anonymous]

Do it OP. I had kids in my mid-30s so I guess I shouldn't respond, but it was the best decision I ever made. My kids go to school with lots of kids that have parents that were in their 40s when they had them - it's not very unusual in this area, so you will not be alone.

[Anonymous]

We dated 8 years and were married for two when I had my first (his 2nd due to a prior marriage). I was set in my career and had built a good reputation so could have job security and the maturity to enjoy my baby that was born when I was 38. You'll love it! Deepest love ever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more major point from me (immediate PP): *if* you decide not to pursue having kids or if you find yourselves unable to do so, you may find yourself perpetually defending your choice to others. Don't waste emotional energy on that. If it's truly your decision not to have children, that's your business, and it's a decision you can embrace. If you're unable to do so despite your desire, that's still your business, and while you will come to terms with it, you will need all your emotional energy focused on accepting that course, not defending it.

I spent many, many years fending off comments and criticisms (however well-intentioned) from parents, family, colleagues, friends, even strangers: I wish I'd spent that time and that energy on other, more productive things.

Good luck!

NP here. I'm 39. My husband and I were ambivalent about kids. But then we decided to go for it. Three miscarriages later, I'm not sure it's going to happen. I have endured so many hostile, mean-spirited, and passive-aggressive comments from inlaws. I would love to just cut them out of my life, but my husband doesn't want to. At this point, I feel like a failure, and the things other people say to me only feed that horrible feeling.

I put off having kids for very good reasons. My husband and I are extremely responsible. I didn't want to do something I wasn't 100 percent on board with. I also grew up with a lot of financial uncertainty (Dad faced layoffs a lot). And I think that made me feel like I had to wait to have kids until I felt completely secure financially. It was really only recently that I realized I'll never feel completely secure financially -- I'll always worry about unexpected events and possibilities.

But when people say nasty comments about how I was selfish to wait or foolish to wait, I get upset. Waiting wasn't selfish. I've always viewed bringing a life into this world as a very serious commitment. But people are almost gleeful in their insults -- like an "ha ha, you waited too long." Part of it is that inlaws see me as a feminist, progressive type. And they all hate that. I've never pushed my ideas on them (even when they've said flat out racist or bigoted things), but I think they see the childless thing as deserved punishment.

That is actually the most difficult part.

Who knows, maybe I'll surprise them all by getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy and a healthy child. At this point, though, I fear that if that were to happen, they'd always be looking for something wrong with the child -- you know, because I'm an "older" mother.

It's sad how mean people can be.

[Anonymous]

to the immediate PP. I'm so sorry you have gone through such spiteful comments. I have many friends who did not have children until later--some of them now struggling to have children. I could have been one of them myself but for the luck of the genetic draw. I can't imagine making someone's pain even worse. I hope you are successful in creating the family that you want.

[Anonymous]

Had my kids at 34 and 36 so not really "later," but older parents do not worry about what they missed. Much more fun to be childfree in 20s and early 30s than to be an empty nester at 45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had my kids at 34 and 36 so not really "later," but older parents do not worry about what they missed. Much more fun to be childfree in 20s and early 30s than to be an empty nester at 45.

Had mine at 34. I wish I'd started younger. It means I'd have more time with them and my grandkids. Kids don't get cheaper anyway--they actually get more expensive, like gas. Also, being an empty nester at 45 sounds pretty kick ass! But you can't really control these things. I met my husband at 31, and if I'd had them with my previous boyfriend it would have been a train wreck.

[Anonymous]

do it - I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

This is defenetly something that people don't consider when they choose to wait. I am 46 and my child graduated from the law school and been working and fully supporting himself for a year now. I am so glad that all the money I make now, all the free time I have I can spend the way I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more major point from me (immediate PP): *if* you decide not to pursue having kids or if you find yourselves unable to do so, you may find yourself perpetually defending your choice to others. Don't waste emotional energy on that. If it's truly your decision not to have children, that's your business, and it's a decision you can embrace. If you're unable to do so despite your desire, that's still your business, and while you will come to terms with it, you will need all your emotional energy focused on accepting that course, not defending it.

I spent many, many years fending off comments and criticisms (however well-intentioned) from parents, family, colleagues, friends, even strangers: I wish I'd spent that time and that energy on other, more productive things.

Good luck!

NP here. I'm 39. My husband and I were ambivalent about kids. But then we decided to go for it. Three miscarriages later, I'm not sure it's going to happen. I have endured so many hostile, mean-spirited, and passive-aggressive comments from inlaws. I would love to just cut them out of my life, but my husband doesn't want to. At this point, I feel like a failure, and the things other people say to me only feed that horrible feeling.

I put off having kids for very good reasons. My husband and I are extremely responsible. I didn't want to do something I wasn't 100 percent on board with. I also grew up with a lot of financial uncertainty (Dad faced layoffs a lot). And I think that made me feel like I had to wait to have kids until I felt completely secure financially. It was really only recently that I realized I'll never feel completely secure financially -- I'll always worry about unexpected events and possibilities.

But when people say nasty comments about how I was selfish to wait or foolish to wait, I get upset. Waiting wasn't selfish. I've always viewed bringing a life into this world as a very serious commitment. But people are almost gleeful in their insults -- like an "ha ha, you waited too long." Part of it is that inlaws see me as a feminist, progressive type. And they all hate that. I've never pushed my ideas on them (even when they've said flat out racist or bigoted things), but I think they see the childless thing as deserved punishment.

That is actually the most difficult part.

Who knows, maybe I'll surprise them all by getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy and a healthy child. At this point, though, I fear that if that were to happen, they'd always be looking for something wrong with the child -- you know, because I'm an "older" mother.

It's sad how mean people can be.

I'm sorry people are so terrible. You should see a reproductive endocrinologist if you haven't already.

[Anonymous]

When I was 35 my gynecologist told me, "Don't worry, you have plenty of time." Turns out she was wrong. I started trying at 37 and endured several losses, and now I'm facing total infertility at 40. If you're willing to go through fertility treatments and perhaps use donor eggs, by all means, wait. I just wish someone had told me to freeze my eggs when I was younger.

Then again, some 40-year-old women make babies easily. You never know.

[Anonymous]

How would you cope looking after kid/s by yourself ?

Me married at 40 and divorced at 50 when DW ran off with someone else. Now have to think about two young kids and looking after them up to 70.
Not saying this is your future but it does happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

This is defenetly something that people don't consider when they choose to wait. I am 46 and my child graduated from the law school and been working and fully supporting himself for a year now. I am so glad that all the money I make now, all the free time I have I can spend the way I want.

We had our last child in our later 30's (36 me, 38 dh). At this point we are in our early 50's with 2 teenagers. Dh and I can absolutely go out and have fun now - the kids are plenty mature and responsible enough to stay at home in the evenings by themselves.

And we truly enjoy having our kids home now. I actually am glad that we don't have an empty nest, yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 35 my gynecologist told me, "Don't worry, you have plenty of time." Turns out she was wrong. I started trying at 37 and endured several losses, and now I'm facing total infertility at 40. If you're willing to go through fertility treatments and perhaps use donor eggs, by all means, wait. I just wish someone had told me to freeze my eggs when I was younger.

Then again, some 40-year-old women make babies easily. You never know.

Not trying to be harsh but shouldn't you already know this? Don't most older women know that they may have trouble conceiving at an AMA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart.

+1 to all of this minus the divorce part. I am 55 and DH is 60 and we have two kids, 18 and 15. The15yo, a freshman in high school, will be dependent on us for 8 more years. DH will work for as long as he can, as will I, but I am tired of what I do and would love to dabble in something fun. With college on the horizon, that is not an option.

This is defenetly something that people don't consider when they choose to wait. I am 46 and my child graduated from the law school and been working and fully supporting himself for a year now. I am so glad that all the money I make now, all the free time I have I can spend the way I want.

We had our last child in our later 30's (36 me, 38 dh). At this point we are in our early 50's with 2 teenagers. Dh and I can absolutely go out and have fun now - the kids are plenty mature and responsible enough to stay at home in the evenings by themselves.

And we truly enjoy having our kids home now. I actually am glad that we don't have an empty nest, yet.

I think pps are talking about not having to work to support college educations, rather than date nights out.