Deciding to have kids later- do you regret/ are you happy?
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Anonymous
| My aunt had my cousin at 43. It was a surprise for sure. I think they are happy, although they already had 3 other kids. I don't know that I could have a child in my 40's. I would be too darn tired. |
Anonymous
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I had my kids at 36 and 39. Afterward we tried for more but it looks like my eggs are not of sufficient quality any more. We were ambivalent and put it off, and it is our one regret. We love being parents and would do it again twice more in a heartbeat.
I had plenty of adventures and career beforehand, and to me, they really can't compare. It was nice to travel and so on, but parenting is more exciting and involving, and just feels more significant. |
Anonymous
| We would have had more if we hadn't have waited. We have 2. |
Anonymous
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I was married for ten years before having my first at 36. Second at 39. We waited because we weren't sure we wanted kids, they are a very big responsibility and I wasn't sure I was good enough for it (I didn't have great patience, etc.). Now the only thing I regret is that we waited. I wish I had them ten years earlier so I could have ten more years with them in my life.
Also, I never really felt "ready" for the first kid. Once we realized it was something we wanted, I was still very apprehensive, and I was concerned all through my pregnancy that I was not really cut out for motherhood. I never had those dying to have kids feelings. But now that I have them, I can't imagine my life without them. I love them more than I could have ever imagined. Sure, there are moments when I wish I could just take a carefree trip to a far-flung location, or not worry about what to make for dinner, but the positives very much outweigh the negatives for me. They have made me a better person, and that is a gift I can never repay but I try every day. |
Anonymous
| I also had mine at 36 and 39. What I notice are the friends who had theirs younger and are now in a position to retire. Meanwhile, I have 12 years to go until the little one is out of college. I feel like I would like to do something different, but I can't. I make a really good living, but it is a high stress life. I am also going through a divorce (STBXH also does well, so we share custody and expenses). The divorce may color my view of things and the feeling of exhaustion. If your marriage is really solid and you are set financially, you may have a different experience. Sometimes I think, with the very analytical part of my brain, that it would have been easier (though it wouldn't have saved the marriage) if we stopped at one as planned. #2 was an oops, although I have to tell you she has brought more joy than I could have imagined to my life. That observation comes from a different part of my brain and from my heart. |
Anonymous
| Adopted my one and only at age 46 as a single person. She is 2 now. I love it!!!!!! I feel VERY fortunate! |
Anonymous
| I regret we didn't focus on family building earlier. I don't regret having a child. I wish we were younger parents, but it's neither here, nor there. I'd rather be an older parent than be childless. |
Anonymous
OP - get off DCUM and make time for your husband ! 
The fact that you both thought of it independently at the same time is.... Kismet. We went through similar (e)motions.... And are now with two children, and it is the best thing we ever did! |
Anonymous
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Had one at 36 and one at 38. Without a doubt, they are the two best things in our lives. Both of us feel that way. DH even wants another!
If you both came to the conclusion independently, I say go for it. If it's meant to be.... Children are a lot of work and they will change your life dramatically but they are so worth it. Good luck to you both! |
Anonymous
| I read a quote once that really stuck with me, "you may regret the kids you didn't have, but never the ones you did." Hope that helps your decision! |
Anonymous
Except anonymous posts on this forum prove otherwise every day. |
Anonymous
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had mine at 38 and 40. no regrets, though there's stuff I miss about child free life. But I lived a lot for myself in my 20s and 30s and don't feel like I'm missing out that much. Kind of wish I had done it earlier because I would have more energy (though less money) and younger grandparents.
If only one of you wanted kids, I would say don't rock the boat. But if you both do, worth exploring. The caveat being that it could happen easily, it could happen with only a lot of help and it could also not happen at all.You and your husband may want a few sessions with a specialized counselor to explore your feelings, including whether you really want a child (or more), and if so, how far you are willing to go to have a child (financially, emotionally, biologically, etc). Or you could decide to cross that bridge once you get there. and its a good time to discuss what you imagine having a child will be like, how it will change things, are things balanced now, can you figure out a way to split or balance responsibilities, care, money, etc. |
Anonymous
What makes you not want a second? |
Anonymous
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Lost 2 pregnancies at 39, had 3 failed IVF's 38-39, DC born (spontaneous pregnancy, huge surprise/miracle) when I was 40.
DH and I have absolutely no regrets. Ironically, I had done significant writing and research about infertility, childless by choice, representations of mother/daughter relationships for my doctorate. I had therefore thought and talked about and even taught LOTS about parenting choices, fertility issues, etc.,. I knew the risks; I knew the public perceptions; I knew a lot -- everything except I didn't know how I'd really feel if/when I had a child. Others here have cited the pros -- financial stability, career stability, emotional maturity, experiences with DH and others that I wouldn't trade for the world and that meant I felt really 'complete' about who I was, etc.,. Others have also cited the cons -- biggest for me was that our parents would not have the relationship with DC that they (and we) had hoped for due to age. We do have to plan more carefully for retirement that could coincide with DC's college years, etc.,. I did have less physical energy, to be sure. Biggest con is that we didn't have the opportunity for a second child, due to some life circumstances and health issues. This does make DC (and us) sad sometimes. Other major con is that we have moved to an area where older parents are by no means 'the norm' (nor are only children) and we get asked lots if she's our granddaughter (DH has completely white hair and we both are decidedly middle-aged). Overall, though, I am so glad I did not have to live the rest of my life with the 'what if we'd had children' -- i.e., wondering what life would have been like had we remained childless. The choice has been worth every single thing, from the initial truly hard challenges of infertility to dealing with an infant and aging parents simultaneously to laughing off those grandparent questions. Best of luck to you, OP. |
Anonymous
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One more major point from me (immediate PP): *if* you decide not to pursue having kids or if you find yourselves unable to do so, you may find yourself perpetually defending your choice to others. Don't waste emotional energy on that. If it's truly your decision not to have children, that's your business, and it's a decision you can embrace. If you're unable to do so despite your desire, that's still your business, and while you will come to terms with it, you will need all your emotional energy focused on accepting that course, not defending it.
I spent many, many years fending off comments and criticisms (however well-intentioned) from parents, family, colleagues, friends, even strangers: I wish I'd spent that time and that energy on other, more productive things. Good luck! |