LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.


So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

.

Yes she did. Her DH warned her, she ignored his feelings and needs and when she finally got off her ass and started making feeble attempts the ship had sailed.

Hey D-bag! Marriage is a two way street that needs communication not threats and infidelity. I will take responsibility for not understanding how is ego was hurt, I will NOT take responsibility for him not talking to me and not seeking counseling earlier.

And who the hell are you to talk about feeble attempts and getting off my ass! Go troll somewhere else

That's what you get for making it a one way street for so long. He communicated, you dismissed, that's not "not understanding " it's having no respect of care for your spouse. He found someone who cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here feeling very introspective with lots of good thoughts. I knew my husband was unhappy but it wasn't until things exploded that I'm forced to make a change. With the accusations of my low drive and how it was unhealthy and all my fault, I I mediately became defensive and started making excuses.

It wasn't until I heard my husband say how this hurt his ego and self-esteem that I realized I need to make a change to save us. Of course, by then, he already found his EA partner

High drive spouses, do yourselves and your marriage a favor and start talking about your feelings in a non defensive manner. If your marriage is solid, your spouse will want to help. And for gods sake, get counseling

OP, you are not to blame for his affair. You just are not. Are you to blame for the problems that created an atmosphere in which he cheated? Yes, but so was he. Obviously you guys were not connecting. But I'm concerned that if this becomes all about you and your shortcomings, you guys won't truly recover. He really needs to examine how he allowed himself to cross the line so he can be someone to trust in the future. Otherwise you could have this little voice in your head forever telling you that you can't have a bad day or a week or two with no sex because that will drive him away. That will eat you up and be counterproductive to both of you. It also lets him just not fully appreciate what he's done because it creates a very rational cause and effect thinking pattern that eliminates his major failing. You could end up irrationally hating yourself for ruining your marriage (even though he played a very large part too) and/or feeling unworthy and bad for feeling anger.

I speak from experience. I blamed myself for my husband's affair and thought I deserved it. That thinking really has devastated me. Just now am I realizing that what he did was not my fault. In my case, he never had a heart to heart with me. I didn't realize he felt so unfulfilled. When he admitted the affair to me he actually asked me why I had to drive him to have an affair. That still rings in my head months later though he now says he does not believe it and is very sorry he said it.

If you want to save your marriage, you will need to work on the underlying issues but you also have to work on getting through the affair. You can't just sweep it under the rug.

This times a million.

Look, all marriages have issues. But you don't solve them by having an affair, and that is solely the fault of the person actually having the affair. It's like burning down your house because you have termites. And until you deal with the fact that your DH threw a bomb into your marriage, you cannot fix the underlying issues.

[Anonymous]

You're both at fault. I don't know why this has to be binary where one person is at fault or another is. And I'm a little surprised at those wives who say they didn't know what sexual rejection does to a husband's self esteem. Did you really have no idea? Or was it easier to ignore the impact on him until it looked like there might be consequences to you?

[Anonymous]

Interesting conversation! I cant imagine anything that would make me feel.less sexy than an ultimatum (even unspoken) that if I didnt perform to his standards, my spouse would have an affair. Talk about conttolling behavior!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're both at fault. I don't know why this has to be binary where one person is at fault or another is. And I'm a little surprised at those wives who say they didn't know what sexual rejection does to a husband's self esteem. Did you really have no idea? Or was it easier to ignore the impact on him until it looked like there might be consequences to you?

I will honestly say that I had no idea I was hurting his self esteem to that extent. I have supported him and our family in a million other ways. He had no reason to think that I didn't love him or appreciate him. It's not as if we never had sex and it was always good when we did.

[Anonymous]

To the husbands unhappy with their low drive wives -- have you explored to ensure you're offering the kind of sex and sexual variety she is really dreaming about? Of course, if what she truly wants is missionary that lasts 5 seconds, this doesn't apply.

In my marriage, I was initially the high drive partner and over the course of many years became the low drive one when my husband was completely unwilling to explore any variety of sex like I wanted to have. Was all about what he wanted... which was really really boring and repetitive. At some point I completely stopped wanting to have sex with him because he was entirely uninterested in what I wanted. I tried pulling him toward some variety with high frequency sex, showing him what I liked, etc, but he couldn't get there and that did not work out.

I'm guessing I am more a female anomaly for a situation men live with all the time than coming in with some shockingly insightful solution, but I do always wonder if even a small percentage of these women aren't wanting sex for another reason. Other (reasonable) needs being met? Are you willing to play to her fantasies?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read through this forum with a mix of bemusement and optimism. As a veteran of two marriages and several affairs (judge as you wish), I can tell you that your marriage will likely survive...if changes are made.
You mention that you found your DH's location by pinging his phone. This alone tells me that he is an affair rookie. Really?! Turning off location is covered the first day of affair 101.
My guess is that you guys married young, or before one of you had a significant life change. He likely grew into someone with more confidence/power/money than when you met. You didn't notice or appreciate the transformation, and someone else did. What he did was socially wrong and hurtful, but I wonder if it was out of desperation for understanding, validation, approval.
If you want the relationship to survive, get a good counselor who doesn't judge either of you too harshly. Both of you need to realize and appreciate what you offer each other in the relationship. Don't expect overnight change. Be suspicious of him, but don't hobble him with harsh restrictions (tracking programs, curfews, friend restrictions, etc). If he feels repressed, he will not stick around (speaking from personal history).
Good luck to both of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're both at fault. I don't know why this has to be binary where one person is at fault or another is. And I'm a little surprised at those wives who say they didn't know what sexual rejection does to a husband's self esteem. Did you really have no idea? Or was it easier to ignore the impact on him until it looked like there might be consequences to you?

I will honestly say that I had no idea I was hurting his self esteem to that extent. I have supported him and our family in a million other ways. He had no reason to think that I didn't love him or appreciate him. It's not as if we never had sex and it was always good when we did.

"Not to that extant"... Only a little then?

[Anonymous]

To the men/women who feel they are only "fully" appreciated by their affair partners: do you have any idea what it would do to the great sex you enjoy with your AP if he/she suddenly became your true partner, responsible for cleaning your laundry, cooking your meals and doing dishes? Caring for you when you are sick, balancing the budget, etc, etc.

Point being, that's why you can enjoy great sex with that individual. Your relationship isn't weighed down by all the other details of daily living. You are in la-la land if you think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Define "take one for the team" sex.

She will say "ok, go for it." pull her pajama bottoms off, pull panties to the side. Tell me to get it going. Lie there. Pay me on the ass and say good job when done.

I think she feels good about herself that she gets her husband off. If there is karma in this world, her next husband will have zero sex drive not offer to hold a vibrator to her as he checks espn on his phone

Don't kid yourself, PP. She's likely not feeling anything positive about you at all. Sometimes you just need to back off, have faith in the person you married and presumably still love, and let her come to you. Your way? It's not heading anywhere good. So she has a low sex drive right now. So what? There could be lots of reasons, emotional and physical, and it doesn't mean it's going to last. But you are not helping the situation with your "take one for the team" sex. You are seriously disrespecting the most important person in your life. And you talk karma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Define "take one for the team" sex.

She will say "ok, go for it." pull her pajama bottoms off, pull panties to the side. Tell me to get it going. Lie there. Pay me on the ass and say good job when done.

I think she feels good about herself that she gets her husband off. If there is karma in this world, her next husband will have zero sex drive not offer to hold a vibrator to her as he checks espn on his phone

Don't kid yourself, PP. She's likely not feeling anything positive about you at all. Sometimes you just need to back off, have faith in the person you married and presumably still love, and let her come to you. Your way? It's not heading anywhere good. So she has a low sex drive right now. So what? There could be lots of reasons, emotional and physical, and it doesn't mean it's going to last. But you are not helping the situation with your "take one for the team" sex. You are seriously disrespecting the most important person in your life. And you talk karma?

PP, you stated that vacation sex is fine, what's the difference there? Analyze what 's going on and you'll have an explanation and an action plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read through this forum with a mix of bemusement and optimism. As a veteran of two marriages and several affairs (judge as you wish), I can tell you that your marriage will likely survive...if changes are made.
You mention that you found your DH's location by pinging his phone. This alone tells me that he is an affair rookie. Really?! Turning off location is covered the first day of affair 101.
My guess is that you guys married young, or before one of you had a significant life change. He likely grew into someone with more confidence/power/money than when you met. You didn't notice or appreciate the transformation, and someone else did. What he did was socially wrong and hurtful, but I wonder if it was out of desperation for understanding, validation, approval.
If you want the relationship to survive, get a good counselor who doesn't judge either of you too harshly. Both of you need to realize and appreciate what you offer each other in the relationship. Don't expect overnight change. Be suspicious of him, but don't hobble him with harsh restrictions (tracking programs, curfews, friend restrictions, etc). If he feels repressed, he will not stick around (speaking from personal history).
Good luck to both of you!

OP here-
you hit the nail on the head (mostly)! We did not marry young- actually in our late 30s. But he did gain confidence, better job over the course of our marriage. He tells me today that I didn't show enough approval/awe/wonder at this transformation- even though I have been by his side every step of the way. His coworker, (AP) is in awe of him and all that he does on a daily basis. It seems pretty unfair to me that he doesn't want to let this friendship with his coworker go (because he gets so much validation from her). It is his insecurity that we have to deal with now

[Anonymous]

OP, does your husband want to be with you not out of obligation or financial reasons or because he wants to be married or does not want to disrupt his life? Just be with you because you are the one he chooses to be with? Or he is just sorry he got caught and ideally he would continue his friendship with his co worker uninterrupted. I think it is okay and good to have friends with the opposite sex, but to say to your friend I want to hold you all night? That's honestly kind of crossing the line into lovers territory. Because of it it is better for him not to continue with the friendship if he wants to be with you unless you are okay with this situation and you have an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're both at fault. I don't know why this has to be binary where one person is at fault or another is. And I'm a little surprised at those wives who say they didn't know what sexual rejection does to a husband's self esteem. Did you really have no idea? Or was it easier to ignore the impact on him until it looked like there might be consequences to you?

Totally true. Although to op credit she is acknowledging her role

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your husband want to be with you not out of obligation or financial reasons or because he wants to be married or does not want to disrupt his life? Just be with you because you are the one he chooses to be with? Or he is just sorry he got caught and ideally he would continue his friendship with his co worker uninterrupted. I think it is okay and good to have friends with the opposite sex, but to say to your friend I want to hold you all night? That's honestly kind of crossing the line into lovers territory. Because of it it is better for him not to continue with the friendship if he wants to be with you unless you are okay with this situation and you have an open marriage.

DH says he want to be with me, grow old with me. I'm just not sure I'm the one who is going to be able to make him happy