LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here with just one more thought....in your original post you ask how do you "deal with the betrayal and deceit while patching up our sex lives." OMG! Hello--are you seriously thinking of having sex with your DH right now???!!! Patching up your sex life is still at the top of your agenda??? News flash -- he is the one who betrayed you. Making things right with you is something HE has to do. So far--if he thinks he can keep hanging with his "friend"who shows what he deems to be the appropriate amount of "awe" for the stellar person that he is--he is not showing any signs of doing that. I can't believe, given the situation, you seriously are thinking about what you can do to improve your sex life with him. Maybe you would have been more attracted to him if he had not been, you know, HAVING AN AFFAIR. If he put all the energy into you that he was putting outside of his marriage, maybe you would have been more into him.

Keep in mind that a DH who is already feeling sexually ignored will probably not stick around (or stay faithful) through a punitive dry phase.
I agree he has some serious work to do, but you should assume failure if the plan is to withhold sex until after some arbitrary recovery time down the road.
If this fact bothers you, just pull the plug right now, save both of you alot of time and pain.

[Anonymous]

OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

Sex itself is healing. If he is like most men, he gets his connection with sex. Not just lie there and take it sex, but mutually pleasurable sex. Especially where you are making sex a priority - things like telling him how you are looking forward to being intimate later in the day. Putting your arms around him when kids are in bed and leading him to bedroom. Anything really that signals you want to be intimate with him, as opposed to letting him do it to you.

You have the right attitude OP. Ignore those who push for divorce, misery wants company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

I've posted before, but OP I really think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you don't deal with his affair front and center. He claims to have only had an emotional affair (which is, honestly, unlikely In light of the holding her all night text, etc.). So just having sex with him won't fix this. Nor will complementing him till the cows come home. There is something in him that made him able to cross a boundary that is unacceptable and, to use a term from infidelity world, makes him not a safe partner. That is key. You are not to blame for the affair, he is. I'm not saying this to let you off the hook. I'm saying it because if you believe it is your fault or you deserve it, he won't do the hard work to make him a safe partner. He has to understand the full breadth of the situation or I worry that this will repeat itself down the road if you go through another rough patch.

I'm not saying you should be a bitch to him and scream and yell and not accept anything wrong on your part UNRELATED to the affair. If you want to stick it out ( and it seems way too early to really know now), definitely work on yourself. You seem to have been doing that anyway. You can tell him what you want and that you're willing to do hard work, but he does too. If he was truly sorry, he would not insist on keeping this "friendship." You can't lose yourself here.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me and I just knew I wanted to work it out in the beginning. He was very sorry, it seemed. But as the months go by, I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm focused on being a good and more emotionally present person, which is good for me and him. But he is not doing the same work.

[Anonymous]

Affair was his fault

But the conditions that led to the affair ... not entirely his fault

I think we do a disservice when we annoint the cheated-on partner "Saint Cheated-Upon" whose actions are forever immune from analysis and retrospection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

I've posted before, but OP I really think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you don't deal with his affair front and center. He claims to have only had an emotional affair (which is, honestly, unlikely In light of the holding her all night text, etc.). So just having sex with him won't fix this. Nor will complementing him till the cows come home. There is something in him that made him able to cross a boundary that is unacceptable and, to use a term from infidelity world, makes him not a safe partner. That is key. You are not to blame for the affair, he is. I'm not saying this to let you off the hook. I'm saying it because if you believe it is your fault or you deserve it, he won't do the hard work to make him a safe partner. He has to understand the full breadth of the situation or I worry that this will repeat itself down the road if you go through another rough patch.

I'm not saying you should be a bitch to him and scream and yell and not accept anything wrong on your part UNRELATED to the affair. If you want to stick it out ( and it seems way too early to really know now), definitely work on yourself. You seem to have been doing that anyway. You can tell him what you want and that you're willing to do hard work, but he does too. If he was truly sorry, he would not insist on keeping this "friendship." You can't lose yourself here.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me and I just knew I wanted to work it out in the beginning. He was very sorry, it seemed. But as the months go by, I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm focused on being a good and more emotionally present person, which is good for me and him. But he is not doing the same work.

That may be true for some men, but not all. The only reason I had an affair was years of constant sexual rejection from my DW. When, after multiple conversations, she finally decided to prioritize our sex life, I broke off the affair and we are happily ever after since (she never found out, thankfully).

Some people may be defective. Others are merely human who do what humans do when they get lonely - find someone to connect with. It doesn't make him defective to cross a boundary, it makes him human.

[Anonymous]

OP you do not trust your partner right now. He BETRAYED you.

Can you have sex with someone you feel is dishonest?

You act like you have to do him to keep him in the marriage. Because he says he strayed because you would not do him. Good sex cannot come from feeling like it must be done or the person will leave you. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. Your body is not a commodity that your spouse can demand under threat of emotional or physical desertion.

YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM RIGHT NOW and for GOOD REASONS. If you have sex under these conditions you are just doing it for all the wrong reasons and it is going to be some pretty crappy sex, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

I've posted before, but OP I really think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you don't deal with his affair front and center. He claims to have only had an emotional affair (which is, honestly, unlikely In light of the holding her all night text, etc.). So just having sex with him won't fix this. Nor will complementing him till the cows come home. There is something in him that made him able to cross a boundary that is unacceptable and, to use a term from infidelity world, makes him not a safe partner. That is key. You are not to blame for the affair, he is. I'm not saying this to let you off the hook. I'm saying it because if you believe it is your fault or you deserve it, he won't do the hard work to make him a safe partner. He has to understand the full breadth of the situation or I worry that this will repeat itself down the road if you go through another rough patch.

I'm not saying you should be a bitch to him and scream and yell and not accept anything wrong on your part UNRELATED to the affair. If you want to stick it out ( and it seems way too early to really know now), definitely work on yourself. You seem to have been doing that anyway. You can tell him what you want and that you're willing to do hard work, but he does too. If he was truly sorry, he would not insist on keeping this "friendship." You can't lose yourself here.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me and I just knew I wanted to work it out in the beginning. He was very sorry, it seemed. But as the months go by, I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm focused on being a good and more emotionally present person, which is good for me and him. But he is not doing the same work.

That may be true for some men, but not all. The only reason I had an affair was years of constant sexual rejection from my DW. When, after multiple conversations, she finally decided to prioritize our sex life, I broke off the affair and we are happily ever after since (she never found out, thankfully).

Some people may be defective. Others are merely human who do what humans do when they get lonely - find someone to connect with. It doesn't make him defective to cross a boundary, it makes him human.

I'm the PP you're quoting. I'm not trying to be mean, but, respectfully, I think you are blaming your wife for your affair and that's not healthy. My husband broke it off with his mistress before I found out. I had been working on our marriage and we were having a lot of good/great sex. That's when he broke it off with her. When I improved. So I thought everything was my fault. If I had just been that way all along, then he never would have had the affair. He thought the same thing. Then I found out and we went to counseling and after months I am beginning to realize I was not just being a less than ideal wife in a vacuum. He was not being an ideal husband either. Neither of us are bad people, but he just zeroed in on how his needs were not being met so he had an affair, and he didn't really think long and hard about why I might be acting the way I was. I have realized that I have years of repressed sadness about him invalidating me in a whole host of ways that I never really deeply thought about. I am the type of person to blame myself and just assume I was in the wrong. Now I am just beginning to realize I am not the source of every problem. Without knowing about his affair, and him having to deal with my sadness about it, he would just have gone on his way thinking that I was the source of all of our problems and now I was better so he could just be happy. But that's not fair. What happens if we go through another rough patch? I would hope we would talk about it now, but that's not what he did before.

I don't think cheaters are just all evil people. I think that a lot of them are/were in pain. But the mindset of blaming the spouse for their cheating ways is really destructive to a relationship. I suspect the OP is somewhat like me and quick to accept blame and think she is at fault. I am just telling her she shouldn't just brush herself aside in the pursuit of keeping things together. I think they probably both have issues that predated the affair. But it's going to take him accepting responsibility for that part to make the marriage whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you do not trust your partner right now. He BETRAYED you.

Can you have sex with someone you feel is dishonest?

You act like you have to do him to keep him in the marriage. Because he says he strayed because you would not do him. Good sex cannot come from feeling like it must be done or the person will leave you. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. Your body is not a commodity that your spouse can demand under threat of emotional or physical desertion.

YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM RIGHT NOW and for GOOD REASONS. If you have sex under these conditions you are just doing it for all the wrong reasons and it is going to be some pretty crappy sex, if you ask me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

I've posted before, but OP I really think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you don't deal with his affair front and center. He claims to have only had an emotional affair (which is, honestly, unlikely In light of the holding her all night text, etc.). So just having sex with him won't fix this. Nor will complementing him till the cows come home. There is something in him that made him able to cross a boundary that is unacceptable and, to use a term from infidelity world, makes him not a safe partner. That is key. You are not to blame for the affair, he is. I'm not saying this to let you off the hook. I'm saying it because if you believe it is your fault or you deserve it, he won't do the hard work to make him a safe partner. He has to understand the full breadth of the situation or I worry that this will repeat itself down the road if you go through another rough patch.

I'm not saying you should be a bitch to him and scream and yell and not accept anything wrong on your part UNRELATED to the affair. If you want to stick it out ( and it seems way too early to really know now), definitely work on yourself. You seem to have been doing that anyway. You can tell him what you want and that you're willing to do hard work, but he does too. If he was truly sorry, he would not insist on keeping this "friendship." You can't lose yourself here.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me and I just knew I wanted to work it out in the beginning. He was very sorry, it seemed. But as the months go by, I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm focused on being a good and more emotionally present person, which is good for me and him. But he is not doing the same work.

That may be true for some men, but not all. The only reason I had an affair was years of constant sexual rejection from my DW. When, after multiple conversations, she finally decided to prioritize our sex life, I broke off the affair and we are happily ever after since (she never found out, thankfully).

Some people may be defective. Others are merely human who do what humans do when they get lonely - find someone to connect with. It doesn't make him defective to cross a boundary, it makes him human.

I'm the PP you're quoting. I'm not trying to be mean, but, respectfully, I think you are blaming your wife for your affair and that's not healthy. My husband broke it off with his mistress before I found out. I had been working on our marriage and we were having a lot of good/great sex. That's when he broke it off with her. When I improved. So I thought everything was my fault. If I had just been that way all along, then he never would have had the affair. He thought the same thing. Then I found out and we went to counseling and after months I am beginning to realize I was not just being a less than ideal wife in a vacuum. He was not being an ideal husband either. Neither of us are bad people, but he just zeroed in on how his needs were not being met so he had an affair, and he didn't really think long and hard about why I might be acting the way I was. I have realized that I have years of repressed sadness about him invalidating me in a whole host of ways that I never really deeply thought about. I am the type of person to blame myself and just assume I was in the wrong. Now I am just beginning to realize I am not the source of every problem. Without knowing about his affair, and him having to deal with my sadness about it, he would just have gone on his way thinking that I was the source of all of our problems and now I was better so he could just be happy. But that's not fair. What happens if we go through another rough patch? I would hope we would talk about it now, but that's not what he did before.

I don't think cheaters are just all evil people. I think that a lot of them are/were in pain. But the mindset of blaming the spouse for their cheating ways is really destructive to a relationship. I suspect the OP is somewhat like me and quick to accept blame and think she is at fault. I am just telling her she shouldn't just brush herself aside in the pursuit of keeping things together. I think they probably both have issues that predated the affair. But it's going to take him accepting responsibility for that part to make the marriage whole.

Responding back to you - your response to me is thoughtful, I get it. I don't solely "blame" my DW for my affair. I am also responsible for my behavior, my role in this, my actions, and I would admit I have done something wrong. However, I don't think I would have cheated if my DW would have met me a quarter of the way on our sex life, and lord knows I tried and tried and tried to come up with solutions. Yes, there are men that are better than me, men who can go weeks, months, years in sexless relationships, or DW's who lie there and think of England. I freely admit they are better people, if that helps this discussion.

What I know, is that we had an otherwise good marriage, but my DW fell into a zero libido mode, and didn't see a need for change. I had all the discussions I could have. Then when I met someone in a similar position as me, I succumb to temptation. Would I have remained faithful if my DW put forth a reasonable effort into our sex life? Impossible to say, although it was relatively easy for me to break off affair and fall back in love with my DW when we sexually connected again.

Related note, I question whether I need therapy to the extent I absolutely require sex to feel connected to my wife (the inverse is true, no sex, no connection). On the other hand, and I know people flinch when they hear this, but I think this is just how many men are wired, and no amount of therapy or pathologizing male sexuality is going to change this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work on being more involved, romantic, passionate because DH is so hurt/feels rejected.

Just as things were getting better (and counseling scheduled), I find out that he is having an affair with co-worker. Lied to me about his where abouts so they could talk- he needed advice. He swears ( and I really want to believe) that there was nothing physical.

How do I deal with sense of betrayal and deceit while trying to patch up our sex lives.

Simple. "Emotional affairs" don't exist. Either it was an actual affair, or it wasn't. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work on being more involved, romantic, passionate because DH is so hurt/feels rejected.

Just as things were getting better (and counseling scheduled), I find out that he is having an affair with co-worker. Lied to me about his where abouts so they could talk- he needed advice. He swears ( and I really want to believe) that there was nothing physical.

How do I deal with sense of betrayal and deceit while trying to patch up our sex lives.

Simple. "Emotional affairs" don't exist. Either it was an actual affair, or it wasn't. Grow up.

+1

Misery loves company, OP. Some people forever love to play the role of "victim" and have a pathological need for sympathy from 3rd parties. Don't be one of those.

I agree that having sex with your DH will allow BOTH of you to heal. You will feel closer to him. He will feel appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
Above post kind of nails it. There is this need to reconnect, reclaim my DH without fully forgiving him. If he felt under appreciated/undesirable to begin with how to start the healing?

I've posted before, but OP I really think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you don't deal with his affair front and center. He claims to have only had an emotional affair (which is, honestly, unlikely In light of the holding her all night text, etc.). So just having sex with him won't fix this. Nor will complementing him till the cows come home. There is something in him that made him able to cross a boundary that is unacceptable and, to use a term from infidelity world, makes him not a safe partner. That is key. You are not to blame for the affair, he is. I'm not saying this to let you off the hook. I'm saying it because if you believe it is your fault or you deserve it, he won't do the hard work to make him a safe partner. He has to understand the full breadth of the situation or I worry that this will repeat itself down the road if you go through another rough patch.

I'm not saying you should be a bitch to him and scream and yell and not accept anything wrong on your part UNRELATED to the affair. If you want to stick it out ( and it seems way too early to really know now), definitely work on yourself. You seem to have been doing that anyway. You can tell him what you want and that you're willing to do hard work, but he does too. If he was truly sorry, he would not insist on keeping this "friendship." You can't lose yourself here.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me and I just knew I wanted to work it out in the beginning. He was very sorry, it seemed. But as the months go by, I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I'm focused on being a good and more emotionally present person, which is good for me and him. But he is not doing the same work.

That may be true for some men, but not all. The only reason I had an affair was years of constant sexual rejection from my DW. When, after multiple conversations, she finally decided to prioritize our sex life, I broke off the affair and we are happily ever after since (she never found out, thankfully).

Some people may be defective. Others are merely human who do what humans do when they get lonely - find someone to connect with. It doesn't make him defective to cross a boundary, it makes him human.

I'm the PP you're quoting. I'm not trying to be mean, but, respectfully, I think you are blaming your wife for your affair and that's not healthy. My husband broke it off with his mistress before I found out. I had been working on our marriage and we were having a lot of good/great sex. That's when he broke it off with her. When I improved. So I thought everything was my fault. If I had just been that way all along, then he never would have had the affair. He thought the same thing. Then I found out and we went to counseling and after months I am beginning to realize I was not just being a less than ideal wife in a vacuum. He was not being an ideal husband either. Neither of us are bad people, but he just zeroed in on how his needs were not being met so he had an affair, and he didn't really think long and hard about why I might be acting the way I was. I have realized that I have years of repressed sadness about him invalidating me in a whole host of ways that I never really deeply thought about. I am the type of person to blame myself and just assume I was in the wrong. Now I am just beginning to realize I am not the source of every problem. Without knowing about his affair, and him having to deal with my sadness about it, he would just have gone on his way thinking that I was the source of all of our problems and now I was better so he could just be happy. But that's not fair. What happens if we go through another rough patch? I would hope we would talk about it now, but that's not what he did before.

I don't think cheaters are just all evil people. I think that a lot of them are/were in pain. But the mindset of blaming the spouse for their cheating ways is really destructive to a relationship. I suspect the OP is somewhat like me and quick to accept blame and think she is at fault. I am just telling her she shouldn't just brush herself aside in the pursuit of keeping things together. I think they probably both have issues that predated the affair. But it's going to take him accepting responsibility for that part to make the marriage whole.

Responding back to you - your response to me is thoughtful, I get it. I don't solely "blame" my DW for my affair. I am also responsible for my behavior, my role in this, my actions, and I would admit I have done something wrong. However, I don't think I would have cheated if my DW would have met me a quarter of the way on our sex life, and lord knows I tried and tried and tried to come up with solutions. Yes, there are men that are better than me, men who can go weeks, months, years in sexless relationships, or DW's who lie there and think of England. I freely admit they are better people, if that helps this discussion.

What I know, is that we had an otherwise good marriage, but my DW fell into a zero libido mode, and didn't see a need for change. I had all the discussions I could have. Then when I met someone in a similar position as me, I succumb to temptation. Would I have remained faithful if my DW put forth a reasonable effort into our sex life? Impossible to say, although it was relatively easy for me to break off affair and fall back in love with my DW when we sexually connected again.

Related note, I question whether I need therapy to the extent I absolutely require sex to feel connected to my wife (the inverse is true, no sex, no connection). On the other hand, and I know people flinch when they hear this, but I think this is just how many men are wired, and no amount of therapy or pathologizing male sexuality is going to change this.

counterpoint to this: sometimes I think that women are hard wired to be the nurturer. Once they have children, they are not wired to want to continue to procreate endlessly, but to nurture and care for the children they have. They are not wired to continue to procreate endlessly, though maybe men are.

[Anonymous]

This. Do you think he thought he was having an affair with her if they weren't getting it on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work on being more involved, romantic, passionate because DH is so hurt/feels rejected.

Just as things were getting better (and counseling scheduled), I find out that he is having an affair with co-worker. Lied to me about his where abouts so they could talk- he needed advice. He swears ( and I really want to believe) that there was nothing physical.

How do I deal with sense of betrayal and deceit while trying to patch up our sex lives.

Simple. "Emotional affairs" don't exist. Either it was an actual affair, or it wasn't. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This. Do you think he thought he was having an affair with her if they weren't getting it on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work on being more involved, romantic, passionate because DH is so hurt/feels rejected.

Just as things were getting better (and counseling scheduled), I find out that he is having an affair with co-worker. Lied to me about his where abouts so they could talk- he needed advice. He swears ( and I really want to believe) that there was nothing physical.

How do I deal with sense of betrayal and deceit while trying to patch up our sex lives.

Simple. "Emotional affairs" don't exist. Either it was an actual affair, or it wasn't. Grow up.

It is totally plausible he was not having sex with her. First, many women are happy to have the emotional piece but not actually have sex. Dare I say its far harder for a guy to close the deal from emotional to physical. Also, the logistics of having sex are way harder to pull off than exchanging texts and emails.