Reply to LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here feeling very introspective with lots of good thoughts. I knew my husband was unhappy but it wasn't until things exploded that I'm forced to make a change. With the accusations of my low drive and how it was unhealthy and all my fault,  I I mediately became defensive  and started making excuses.

It wasn't until I heard my husband say how this hurt his ego and self-esteem that I realized I need to make a change to save us.   Of course, by then, he already found his EA partner

High drive spouses, do yourselves and your marriage a favor and start talking about your feelings in a non defensive manner.  If your marriage is solid, your spouse will want to help. And for gods sake, get counseling [/quote]

OP, you are not to blame for his affair.  You just are not.  Are you to blame for the problems that created an atmosphere in which he cheated?  Yes, but so was he.  Obviously you guys were not connecting.  But I'm concerned that if this becomes all about you and your shortcomings, you guys won't truly recover.  He really needs to examine how he allowed himself to cross the line so he can be someone to trust in the future.  Otherwise you could have this little voice in your head forever telling you that you can't have a bad day or a week or two with no sex because that will drive him away.  That will eat you up and be counterproductive to both of you.  It also lets him just not fully appreciate what he's done because it creates a very rational cause and effect thinking pattern that eliminates his major failing.  You could end up irrationally hating yourself for ruining your marriage (even though he played a very large part too) and/or feeling unworthy and bad for feeling anger.

I speak from experience.  I blamed myself for my husband's affair and thought I deserved it.  That thinking really has devastated me.  Just now am I realizing that what he did was not my fault.  In my case, he never had a heart to heart with me.  I didn't realize he felt so unfulfilled.  When he admitted the affair to me he actually asked me why I had to drive him to have an affair.  That still rings in my head months later though he now says he does not believe it and is very sorry he said it.

If you want to save your marriage, you will need to work on the underlying issues but you also have to work on getting through the affair.  You can't just sweep it under the rug. [/quote]

This times a million.

Look, all marriages have issues. But you don't solve them by having an affair, and that is solely the fault of the person actually having the affair. It's like burning down your house because you have termites. And until you deal with the fact that your DH threw a bomb into your marriage, you cannot fix the underlying issues.[/quote]

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