LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

For all the people who are quick to point to OP's fault in this matter, I wonder if you would say the same if it was a DH in her position, and the wife had the emotional affair? I feel like people are more quick to attack the seemingly frigid wife (I know this a gross oversimplification OP, but just for the sake of argument), than a man in the same position. Just sayin.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who are quick to point to OP's fault in this matter, I wonder if you would say the same if it was a DH in her position, and the wife had the emotional affair? I feel like people are more quick to attack the seemingly frigid wife (I know this a gross oversimplification OP, but just for the sake of argument), than a man in the same position. Just sayin.'

Probably even more so. If a man rejects his wife for sex, it's even worse because men are expected to want sex all the time. So if a woman gets rejected, it's probably even more soul crushing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Define "take one for the team" sex.

She will say "ok, go for it." pull her pajama bottoms off, pull panties to the side. Tell me to get it going. Lie there. Pay me on the ass and say good job when done.

I think she feels good about herself that she gets her husband off. If there is karma in this world, her next husband will have zero sex drive not offer to hold a vibrator to her as he checks espn on his phone

Don't kid yourself, PP. She's likely not feeling anything positive about you at all. Sometimes you just need to back off, have faith in the person you married and presumably still love, and let her come to you. Your way? It's not heading anywhere good. So she has a low sex drive right now. So what? There could be lots of reasons, emotional and physical, and it doesn't mean it's going to last. But you are not helping the situation with your "take one for the team" sex. You are seriously disrespecting the most important person in your life. And you talk karma?

How long should I back off? Its been 8 years of low drive. Only enjoy sex 2 times a year on vacation? Does she beat any responsibility for finding something to turn her on or is it forever on me?

Perhaps we need to get away from each other for a while and figure it out. Trial separation or something. If we didn't have kids it would be easy to get this over with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How long should I back off? Its been 8 years of low drive. Only enjoy sex 2 times a year on vacation? Does she beat any responsibility for finding something to turn her on or is it forever on me?

Perhaps we need to get away from each other for a while and figure it out. Trial separation or something. If we didn't have kids it would be easy to get this over with

have you guys tried counseling? There must be some way to reach her and find out why she has lost that spark. My husband tried to find out but it was always more accusatory, that it was my problem. It put me on the defensive- not a good way to talk
Can you tell her that you want to fix things and make them better? that you want to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the men/women who feel they are only "fully" appreciated by their affair partners: do you have any idea what it would do to the great sex you enjoy with your AP if he/she suddenly became your true partner, responsible for cleaning your laundry, cooking your meals and doing dishes? Caring for you when you are sick, balancing the budget, etc, etc.

Point being, that's why you can enjoy great sex with that individual. Your relationship isn't weighed down by all the other details of daily living. You are in la-la land if you think otherwise.

IMO - I wouldn't know first hand, but I'd think that's kind of the point of having an affair to begin with...you can have all the fun of a relationship without the mundane nonsense. It's a break from reality. Anyone that thinks their APs would make better life partners are probably kidding themselves, but a good AP understands this and helps live out the fantasy full tilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read through this forum with a mix of bemusement and optimism. As a veteran of two marriages and several affairs (judge as you wish), I can tell you that your marriage will likely survive...if changes are made.
You mention that you found your DH's location by pinging his phone. This alone tells me that he is an affair rookie. Really?! Turning off location is covered the first day of affair 101.
My guess is that you guys married young, or before one of you had a significant life change. He likely grew into someone with more confidence/power/money than when you met. You didn't notice or appreciate the transformation, and someone else did. What he did was socially wrong and hurtful, but I wonder if it was out of desperation for understanding, validation, approval.
If you want the relationship to survive, get a good counselor who doesn't judge either of you too harshly. Both of you need to realize and appreciate what you offer each other in the relationship. Don't expect overnight change. Be suspicious of him, but don't hobble him with harsh restrictions (tracking programs, curfews, friend restrictions, etc). If he feels repressed, he will not stick around (speaking from personal history).
Good luck to both of you!

OP here-
you hit the nail on the head (mostly)! We did not marry young- actually in our late 30s. But he did gain confidence, better job over the course of our marriage. He tells me today that I didn't show enough approval/awe/wonder at this transformation- even though I have been by his side every step of the way. His coworker, (AP) is in awe of him and all that he does on a daily basis. It seems pretty unfair to me that he doesn't want to let this friendship with his coworker go (because he gets so much validation from her). It is his insecurity that we have to deal with now

OP, I do not think you can get past this without him cutting off the "friendship." The fact that he won't do that one thing speaks volumes. I personally would not be able to handle that. It could turn you into a nervous wreck who is snooping constantly and could turn him more against you. It's not fair to you at all. It is incredibly disrespectful to you. In fact, working with her should be off the table. But if he refuses to do that for you (or you don't feel like you can ask that of him), at the very least he should distance himself professionally from her and not have any contact other than strictly professional. That, to me at least, would mean he shouldn't go to happy hours where she attends, etc. Does her husband know about this?

I have not read this book myself, but have seen it recommended by many others in a similar situation, so I am putting it out there for you - it's called Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Maybe it will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all the people who are quick to point to OP's fault in this matter, I wonder if you would say the same if it was a DH in her position, and the wife had the emotional affair? I feel like people are more quick to attack the seemingly frigid wife (I know this a gross oversimplification OP, but just for the sake of argument), than a man in the same position. Just sayin.'

Probably even more so. If a man rejects his wife for sex, it's even worse because men are expected to want sex all the time. So if a woman gets rejected, it's probably even more soul crushing for her.

Agreed. Not only would it be soul-crushing but then assumptions are made as to why the man rejected her (overweight, frumpy, nagging). Rejection goes both ways. Just sayin,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How long should I back off? Its been 8 years of low drive. Only enjoy sex 2 times a year on vacation? Does she beat any responsibility for finding something to turn her on or is it forever on me?

Perhaps we need to get away from each other for a while and figure it out. Trial separation or something. If we didn't have kids it would be easy to get this over with

have you guys tried counseling? There must be some way to reach her and find out why she has lost that spark. My husband tried to find out but it was always more accusatory, that it was my problem. It put me on the defensive- not a good way to talk
Can you tell her that you want to fix things and make them better? that you want to help?

So, not only do the stars have to be aligned just right in order to have sex; they have to be aligned just right in order to get an explanation about why you don't want to have sex. Sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here- you are a wise person! Thanks for all the great suggestions. Makes me hopeful that we can get back on track. DH and I are always compatible outside the bedroom. It's finding that spark again that is so hard. Lots to work with. Thanks again

No it is NOT hard at all. This is just you stuck inside your head. Here is how you can "find that spark" again: grab his hand, direct him into the bedroom, close the door, and start undressing.
I can assure you sparks will fly.

Not in my experience. Things happen, but sparks flying? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the men/women who feel they are only "fully" appreciated by their affair partners: do you have any idea what it would do to the great sex you enjoy with your AP if he/she suddenly became your true partner, responsible for cleaning your laundry, cooking your meals and doing dishes? Caring for you when you are sick, balancing the budget, etc, etc.

Point being, that's why you can enjoy great sex with that individual. Your relationship isn't weighed down by all the other details of daily living. You are in la-la land if you think otherwise.

Thread winner! Real relationships are messy and imperfect. Cheaters get off on the new and exciting at the expense of what is real.

[Anonymous]

OMG! OP, wake up! He does not want to cut off his "friendship" with this coworker? This coworker he calls "sweetheart" and who says she will hold him "all night long" and he lies to you to be with her and "talk" to her?!? You have got to be f'ing kidding me. What a douchebag your DH is.

Are you ANGRY? You should be, you should be very, very angry.

Everybody has problems sometimes in their marriage. Post kids, my DH and I went TWO YEARS with no sex. Now after marriage counseling we have hot sex again. But during that tough period, neither of us went out and found another love partner because we needed "validation" or whatever. Give me a fucking break. Grow up people. I am sure your marriage had issues--- all marriages do --but that is NOT why he went out and had this affair. No one FORCED him to do this. He WANTED to. He behaved SELFISHLY. And it sounds like he is continuing to do so.

OP, wake the fuck up, seriously. It is good to think about our own responsibility for things but this can be taken too far. Your spouse screwed up in a major, major way and has betrayed you. BETRAYED you. I hope therapy will help you both see this.

[Anonymous]

PP here with one more comment....he tells you today that you did not show enough "wonder" and "awe" at him? Give me a fucking break. I swear to God, are you realizing what a total dickhead your husband is being?!?! Do you understand how NOT NORMAL OR OK that is? If my DH was having an "emotional" affair -- those texts sound pretty damning -- and he was telling me I did not show enough "awe" for him....there is nothing to be in awe of!! He is showing no adult behavior! What a pathetic loser.

[Anonymous]

PP here with just one more thought....in your original post you ask how do you "deal with the betrayal and deceit while patching up our sex lives." OMG! Hello--are you seriously thinking of having sex with your DH right now???!!! Patching up your sex life is still at the top of your agenda??? News flash -- he is the one who betrayed you. Making things right with you is something HE has to do. So far--if he thinks he can keep hanging with his "friend"who shows what he deems to be the appropriate amount of "awe" for the stellar person that he is--he is not showing any signs of doing that. I can't believe, given the situation, you seriously are thinking about what you can do to improve your sex life with him. Maybe you would have been more attracted to him if he had not been, you know, HAVING AN AFFAIR. If he put all the energy into you that he was putting outside of his marriage, maybe you would have been more into him.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all three posts by the PP

OP, you need to figure out what you want and work towards it. But don't let him treat you this way in the interim. Continuing his "friendship" with this woman is beyond detestable.

[Anonymous]

I just skipped to the last page of this thread, but is the gist that he had an "emotional affair" because his wife won't have sex with him? If so, you should divorce him just for being an idiot. Now he loves two women who won't do him. Fool.