LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your husband. My DW is low drive. We have had a dozen conversations over the years. She says she will try to step it up but never does. We have "take one for the team" sex a couple times a month, decent sex on vacation. She says she loves me, wants to grow old with me, has the perfect marriage, but just can't find it in her at the end of the day to have sex.

Define "take one for the team" sex.

Not into it but willing to lay there and not call it rape while he does his nasty, nasty business.

Nasty, nasty business? WTF?

DW here, but if I do not understand why any spouse thinks their low sex drive trumps their marriage. If I refused to have sex with DH (excusing health issues) then I'm already breaking our vows. Should I be surprised if he has an affair?

If someone doesn't want to have sex, there shouldn't be sex. Period.

So I just declare there's going to be no sex for the next 30 years and that's the end of the discussion?

I think cheating is the clearest example of selfish behavior. But I do not associate marriage with celibacy. That's crazy town to think someone will remain faithful to you when you're not faithful to them (by refusal).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.

I am not saying anything did or didn't happen, but I feel like something must have went on.

Reason being you stated your sex drive has been low which is totally understandable considering your busy lifestyle.

So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

DH says that he needed someone to hear him and listen to him. He was looking for another woman's perspective. He also likes her energy and likes to feel desired. He still contends they never kissed or even held hands, she didn't want to ruin her marriage (just mine, apparently)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your husband. My DW is low drive. We have had a dozen conversations over the years. She says she will try to step it up but never does. We have "take one for the team" sex a couple times a month, decent sex on vacation. She says she loves me, wants to grow old with me, has the perfect marriage, but just can't find it in her at the end of the day to have sex.

Define "take one for the team" sex.

She will say "ok, go for it." pull her pajama bottoms off, pull panties to the side. Tell me to get it going. Lie there. Pay me on the ass and say good job when done.

I think she feels good about herself that she gets her husband off. If there is karma in this world, her next husband will have zero sex drive not offer to hold a vibrator to her as he checks espn on his phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your husband. My DW is low drive. We have had a dozen conversations over the years. She says she will try to step it up but never does. We have "take one for the team" sex a couple times a month, decent sex on vacation. She says she loves me, wants to grow old with me, has the perfect marriage, but just can't find it in her at the end of the day to have sex.

Define "take one for the team" sex.

She will say "ok, go for it." pull her pajama bottoms off, pull panties to the side. Tell me to get it going. Lie there. Pay me on the ass and say good job when done.

I think she feels good about herself that she gets her husband off. If there is karma in this world, her next husband will have zero sex drive not offer to hold a vibrator to her as he checks espn on his phone

Your DW should meet my DH.

[Anonymous]

Why is this a suprise? For my spouse a sexual connection with me is what makes him feel loved. He has told me this explicitly and also implicitly. If he was not feeling loved and connected and had warned me multiple times ( as your DH did) why would I be suprised if he found it elsewhere? You can't force your DH into celibacy. And if you actually did, how could you respect such a weak man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.

I am not saying anything did or didn't happen, but I feel like something must have went on.

Reason being you stated your sex drive has been low which is totally understandable considering your busy lifestyle.

So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

DH says that he needed someone to hear him and listen to him. He was looking for another woman's perspective. He also likes her energy and likes to feel desired. He still contends they never kissed or even held hands, she didn't want to ruin her marriage (just mine, apparently)

Lady, you ruined your own marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.

I am not saying anything did or didn't happen, but I feel like something must have went on.

Reason being you stated your sex drive has been low which is totally understandable considering your busy lifestyle.

So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

DH says that he needed someone to hear him and listen to him. He was looking for another woman's perspective. He also likes her energy and likes to feel desired. He still contends they never kissed or even held hands, she didn't want to ruin her marriage (just mine, apparently)

Lady, you ruined your own marriage.

Ignore that douche. You didn't ruin your marriage. Your DH did. And I hope you have informed her DH about what you discovered - but only if you have evidence. Unless you have evidence, there is no way that her DH would believe you. Your best ally in ending the affair is her betrayed spouse.

Please get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com for real advice. The posters here really don't know what they are talking about half the time.

[Anonymous]

OP: I am not sure if it's a good idea for your DH to continue working at the same place as it's difficult to stop if he's seeing her every day. I have been on and off with my coworker for years and we have "stopped" many times but yet we somehow get back together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I am not sure if it's a good idea for your DH to continue working at the same place as it's difficult to stop if he's seeing her every day. I have been on and off with my coworker for years and we have "stopped" many times but yet we somehow get back together.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here feeling very introspective with lots of good thoughts. I knew my husband was unhappy but it wasn't until things exploded that I'm forced to make a change. With the accusations of my low drive and how it was unhealthy and all my fault, I I mediately became defensive and started making excuses.

It wasn't until I heard my husband say how this hurt his ego and self-esteem that I realized I need to make a change to save us. Of course, by then, he already found his EA partner

High drive spouses, do yourselves and your marriage a favor and start talking about your feelings in a non defensive manner. If your marriage is solid, your spouse will want to help. And for gods sake, get counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

Were you typing in the car? Was she driving? If so, why was she the one driving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.

I am not saying anything did or didn't happen, but I feel like something must have went on.

Reason being you stated your sex drive has been low which is totally understandable considering your busy lifestyle.

So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

DH says that he needed someone to hear him and listen to him. He was looking for another woman's perspective. He also likes her energy and likes to feel desired. He still contends they never kissed or even held hands, she didn't want to ruin her marriage (just mine, apparently)

Lady, you ruined your own marriage.

Ignore that douche. You didn't ruin your marriage. Your DH did. And I hope you have informed her DH about what you discovered - but only if you have evidence. Unless you have evidence, there is no way that her DH would believe you. Your best ally in ending the affair is her betrayed spouse.

Please get over to www.survivinginfidelity.com for real advice. The posters here really don't know what they are talking about half the time.

Yes she did. Her DH warned her, she ignored his feelings and needs and when she finally got off her ass and started making feeble attempts the ship had sailed.

[Anonymous]

One more thing.....as PP suggested, get out and do stuff together, just the two of you. The more your spouse feels bonded to you, the more likely the desire will be there. You can't just hop in bed together, turn off the phones after an hour and expect your partner to be in the mood.

I'm going to to try sitting downstairs, watching TV/bonding before getting into bed with DH. We have to feel connected first, then the sexy comes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my personal experience, men will always DENY, deny DENY!!

Oh "nothing happened..." is so freaking common.


So since he felt he was sexually deprived, I find it difficult to believe he only wanted his "emotional" needs satisfied with the other woman.

.

Yes she did. Her DH warned her, she ignored his feelings and needs and when she finally got off her ass and started making feeble attempts the ship had sailed.

Hey D-bag! Marriage is a two way street that needs communication not threats and infidelity. I will take responsibility for not understanding how is ego was hurt, I will NOT take responsibility for him not talking to me and not seeking counseling earlier.

And who the hell are you to talk about feeble attempts and getting off my ass! Go troll somewhere else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here feeling very introspective with lots of good thoughts. I knew my husband was unhappy but it wasn't until things exploded that I'm forced to make a change. With the accusations of my low drive and how it was unhealthy and all my fault, I I mediately became defensive and started making excuses.

It wasn't until I heard my husband say how this hurt his ego and self-esteem that I realized I need to make a change to save us. Of course, by then, he already found his EA partner

High drive spouses, do yourselves and your marriage a favor and start talking about your feelings in a non defensive manner. If your marriage is solid, your spouse will want to help. And for gods sake, get counseling

OP, you are not to blame for his affair. You just are not. Are you to blame for the problems that created an atmosphere in which he cheated? Yes, but so was he. Obviously you guys were not connecting. But I'm concerned that if this becomes all about you and your shortcomings, you guys won't truly recover. He really needs to examine how he allowed himself to cross the line so he can be someone to trust in the future. Otherwise you could have this little voice in your head forever telling you that you can't have a bad day or a week or two with no sex because that will drive him away. That will eat you up and be counterproductive to both of you. It also lets him just not fully appreciate what he's done because it creates a very rational cause and effect thinking pattern that eliminates his major failing. You could end up irrationally hating yourself for ruining your marriage (even though he played a very large part too) and/or feeling unworthy and bad for feeling anger.

I speak from experience. I blamed myself for my husband's affair and thought I deserved it. That thinking really has devastated me. Just now am I realizing that what he did was not my fault. In my case, he never had a heart to heart with me. I didn't realize he felt so unfulfilled. When he admitted the affair to me he actually asked me why I had to drive him to have an affair. That still rings in my head months later though he now says he does not believe it and is very sorry he said it.

If you want to save your marriage, you will need to work on the underlying issues but you also have to work on getting through the affair. You can't just sweep it under the rug.