LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the previous wife poster...

I suggested the open marriage concept...or at least a hall pass...DH wouldn't go for it. It was the one time in the last year that he showed a flicker of care over anything related to my sexuality. Ya, that flicker came and went. So now, facing a huge temptation, I feel my knees buckling.

Why is this even a negotiation in which your DH gets to decide he won't have sex with you but you can't have sex outside the marriage?
I respect the fact you brought this up with him, but you need to simply tell him pick one or the other because at least one of you has a normal sex drive which can't be denied forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here- you are a wise person! Thanks for all the great suggestions. Makes me hopeful that we can get back on track. DH and I are always compatible outside the bedroom. It's finding that spark again that is so hard. Lots to work with. Thanks again

No it is NOT hard at all. This is just you stuck inside your head. Here is how you can "find that spark" again: grab his hand, direct him into the bedroom, close the door, and start undressing.
I can assure you sparks will fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.

Spoiler alert: Not tomorrow either. (I've seen this movie before.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you seen your GYN to check if you have a medical condition? It could be a hormonal imbalance or depression, both of which are treatable.

OP, you have to do what you can to make the sex work because marriage is not friendship or a business arrangement. It's a ROMANTIC relationship. You have to accept that like a grownup if you want to stay married. If this is your problem, which it is, you have to solve it.

OP here- yes testosterone levels are normal. Probably some depression given 2 deaths in my immediate family over the last two years, including my mother

I understand the need for romance but it is a two way street. If DH wants to feel desired, he needs to work with me to find a style/mood/time/place to help me go from mom to wife. I am just not that good at flipping that switch as soon as son is asleep

PLEASE-someone give me some reassurance that we can make it through this. So many posts just recommend affairs or divorce-not excited for either prospect

A two way street? I can appreciate that you're saying that with a straight face. That takes balls. You are the master of your sexuality. You are the one who needs to fix it. You have been rejecting his advances, now you're telling him you'd reconsider if only he were putting in the effort. It's not his fault. Believing it is will destroy your marriage in a jiffy. I understand you feel hurt by his betrayal, but you're not even considering what your betrayal did to him.

I had sex drive issues after my first baby. I felt bad about it and my postpartum baby for almost a year, then I decided my happiness and relationship were getting destroyed by it. I decided an overhaul was necessary. I started watching porn and reading erotica. I made it a point to fantasize routinely. I lifted weights, and I had a drink before sex so I could relax a little. It worked pretty quickly, and I found my groove.

In that year, I did serious damage to my relationship in that year. Damage that was ultimately irreparable. It's a lot more difficult to let little things roll off your back and appreciate your partner when you're not having sex.

[Anonymous]

I'll make the point again: some women have a "romance drive" most men can't meet, much like a guy demanding sex twice a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you seen your GYN to check if you have a medical condition? It could be a hormonal imbalance or depression, both of which are treatable.

OP, you have to do what you can to make the sex work because marriage is not friendship or a business arrangement. It's a ROMANTIC relationship. You have to accept that like a grownup if you want to stay married. If this is your problem, which it is, you have to solve it.

OP here- yes testosterone levels are normal. Probably some depression given 2 deaths in my immediate family over the last two years, including my mother

I understand the need for romance but it is a two way street. If DH wants to feel desired, he needs to work with me to find a style/mood/time/place to help me go from mom to wife. I am just not that good at flipping that switch as soon as son is asleep

PLEASE-someone give me some reassurance that we can make it through this. So many posts just recommend affairs or divorce-not excited for either prospect

A two way street? I can appreciate that you're saying that with a straight face. That takes balls. You are the master of your sexuality. You are the one who needs to fix it. You have been rejecting his advances, now you're telling him you'd reconsider if only he were putting in the effort. It's not his fault. Believing it is will destroy your marriage in a jiffy. I understand you feel hurt by his betrayal, but you're not even considering what your betrayal did to him.

I had sex drive issues after my first baby. I felt bad about it and my postpartum baby for almost a year, then I decided my happiness and relationship were getting destroyed by it. I decided an overhaul was necessary. I started watching porn and reading erotica. I made it a point to fantasize routinely. I lifted weights, and I had a drink before sex so I could relax a little. It worked pretty quickly, and I found my groove.

In that year, I did serious damage to my relationship in that year. Damage that was ultimately irreparable. It's a lot more difficult to let little things roll off your back and appreciate your partner when you're not having sex.

You are right. I need to take responsibility. I had started reading erotica. thinking more about sex and trying to be more open. Then I find out about the "emotional affair". I guess, I was saying I needed help from my husband to "get my sexy back"

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so incredibly sorry. You are both probably both to blame for the pre-affair problems, and it's good that you were able to identify what to work on. But the affair is all on him. He made a choice to engage in an inappropriate emotional relationship with someone else, which probably made him feel very good and desired, but that is not the way to handle marital problems.

At this point, it will be really difficult for you. You want to fix the marriage, and were working on that, but he threw in this affair on you, and you probably feel to blame for that even though you shouldn't. The affair is ALL ON HIM. I think you are being too hard on yourself in the wake of learning about the affair. I think marriage counseling is a good idea. I think you should contemplate what kind of marriage you want and work towards that. Try to figure out if you can envision a happy marriage with him. Try to figure out what you want to provide in a marriage. Do you want a sexual and physical relationship? If so, you really should dig in on that probably in individual therapy. I think he might need his own individual therapy to figure out why he got to the place he is and how he can avoid that in the future.

When did you find out about this relationship? Are you sure that there was no physical component? Sometimes, people lie to try to protect themselves or they don't think of the kiss or the groping as really an affair. Make sure you know the full extent now - it is completely devastating to learn that you didn't know how extensive an affair was months later.

[Anonymous]

OP, make having sex a higher priority than excelling at work or keeping the household running. It's THAT serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so incredibly sorry. You are both probably both to blame for the pre-affair problems, and it's good that you were able to identify what to work on. But the affair is all on him. He made a choice to engage in an inappropriate emotional relationship with someone else, which probably made him feel very good and desired, but that is not the way to handle marital problems.

At this point, it will be really difficult for you. You want to fix the marriage, and were working on that, but he threw in this affair on you, and you probably feel to blame for that even though you shouldn't. The affair is ALL ON HIM. I think you are being too hard on yourself in the wake of learning about the affair. I think marriage counseling is a good idea. I think you should contemplate what kind of marriage you want and work towards that. Try to figure out if you can envision a happy marriage with him. Try to figure out what you want to provide in a marriage. Do you want a sexual and physical relationship? If so, you really should dig in on that probably in individual therapy. I think he might need his own individual therapy to figure out why he got to the place he is and how he can avoid that in the future.

When did you find out about this relationship? Are you sure that there was no physical component? Sometimes, people lie to try to protect themselves or they don't think of the kiss or the groping as really an affair. Make sure you know the full extent now - it is completely devastating to learn that you didn't know how extensive an affair was months later.

OP here- thanks for your kind words. Trying to take responsibility for the emotional disconnect/lack of passion that made my DH confide in his co-worker. Not trying to absolve him at all of his betrayal (he is scheduled for his own counseling session in addition to our joint session)

We both want to make this work and do see ourselves together in the future.

Found out about the relationship last week (Tuesday), and no, I can't be sure there was no physical component. I can only believe what they both tell me. She is a newlywed and wants to keep her marriage, too. I am told the emotional affair has only been the last few months, although they have worked together for over a year and a half and are still working together now. My next step is to figure out how to deal with them seeing each other everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.

Spoiler alert: Not tomorrow either. (I've seen this movie before.)

I am the star of that movie, I am aware of how this always ends. I know I need to pull the plug on this marriage, but I just can't do it to my kids.

Op, you sound very introspective. I think you will be ok in the long run

[Anonymous]

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.


Spoiler alert: Not tomorrow either. (I've seen this movie before.)

I am the star of that movie, I am aware of how this always ends. I know I need to pull the plug on this marriage, but I just can't do it to my kids.

Op, you sound very introspective. I think you will be ok in the long run

Thanks- keep your fingers crossed for us. I was just wondering if you and DW have tried counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.

Spoiler alert: Not tomorrow either. (I've seen this movie before.)

Sorry- I suck at using these quotes

Thanks- keep your fingers crossed for us. I was just wondering if you and DW have tried counseling

I am the star of that movie, I am aware of how this always ends. I know I need to pull the plug on this marriage, but I just can't do it to my kids.

Op, you sound very introspective. I think you will be ok in the long run

[Anonymous]

Thanks- keep your fingers crossed for us. I was just wondering if you and DW have tried counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.

Me again. She is fucking facebooking. And I am the bad guy because I am cheating. Op, you don't have to divorce, but for the love of the Lord show your dh you still want to be with him in a romantic way. I am at a total loss as to how any woman thinks they deserve monogamy when they enfoce near celibacy. Why must I choose between my happines and my kids.

I love my wife but we need to end this charade called marriage.

Yep, facebooking the "happy family" is such a charade. If having an affair keeps you more involved with the family so be it. My "marriage" turned into that same charade and I walked. I've realized that some "supposed to's" in life just don't apply to me. I'd rather be happy than in a loveless marriage.

Good luck man! W here and I totally understand your frustration. I honestly think so much I see on facebook is the "charade". It's absolutely ok to want more in life. And in some cases, its ok to make that choice. You are not a bad man. You are human. It's normal to want to feel wanted in that way. Now, you can't always get what you want, but you can have bandaids to help get you through. ie. an affair. Just understand that if that continues, you will need to make a choice at some point. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your affair still going? Wife find out?

Yes, still going. No, wife has zero clue.

If she found out, would you end it or continue?

I would leave it up to her. I type this as We are going on fancy date to Chevy Chase. DW looks stunning. Wish she could find her sexy.

And we're home. And she's tired. Maybe tomorrow, she says.

DW here... I can totally sympathize with the wife. It's really hard to explain...