LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

[Anonymous]

Related note, I question whether I need therapy to the extent I absolutely require sex to feel connected to my wife (the inverse is true, no sex, no connection). On the other hand, and I know people flinch when they hear this, but I think this is just how many men are wired, and no amount of therapy or pathologizing male sexuality is going to change this.

counterpoint to this: sometimes I think that women are hard wired to be the nurturer. Once they have children, they are not wired to want to continue to procreate endlessly, but to nurture and care for the children they have. They are not wired to continue to procreate endlessly, though maybe men are.

Right, and I agree. I think a lot of well meaning couples, like OP and like me and DW can get sidetracked simply because men and women, on average, have very different sexual and emotional needs once the kids come.

[Anonymous]

Right. So no affair actually happened. At least in his mind. He gets to be punished now for not have sex with his wife and the other chick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This. Do you think he thought he was having an affair with her if they weren't getting it on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work on being more involved, romantic, passionate because DH is so hurt/feels rejected.

Just as things were getting better (and counseling scheduled), I find out that he is having an affair with co-worker. Lied to me about his where abouts so they could talk- he needed advice. He swears ( and I really want to believe) that there was nothing physical.

How do I deal with sense of betrayal and deceit while trying to patch up our sex lives.

Simple. "Emotional affairs" don't exist. Either it was an actual affair, or it wasn't. Grow up.

It is totally plausible he was not having sex with her. First, many women are happy to have the emotional piece but not actually have sex. Dare I say its far harder for a guy to close the deal from emotional to physical. Also, the logistics of having sex are way harder to pull off than exchanging texts and emails.

[Anonymous]

He was (1) telling his wife lies to be with this woman (2) calling her sweetheart (3) receiving texts about how she would hold him all night, etc.

I am sorry, that is an affair, even if his pants never unzipped. If my DH did that, I would be furious. Then if he tried to blame it on me, I would be even more furious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was (1) telling his wife lies to be with this woman (2) calling her sweetheart (3) receiving texts about how she would hold him all night, etc.

I am sorry, that is an affair, even if his pants never unzipped. If my DH did that, I would be furious. Then if he tried to blame it on me, I would be even more furious.

Sweetheart, are we having an affair?

Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This. Do you think he thought he was having an affair with her if they weren't getting it on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me: Dw- full time job, married 10 years with 6 yo.. Low drive- just mostly exhausted at end of day. Trying to work

I do believe in such a thing as an emotional affair. He lied to me about where he was, when he was with her and he was bonding with her in a way that should have been reserved for his wife