Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I missed it, but what is the problem with the food? I get that it's annoying, but you can just put it all out on the table, right?

Not OP, but if there's not enough fridge or freezer space to store it, or enough serving platters/utensils, that is annoying.

I never bring food items without asking; my hostess gift is usually a candle, a box of chocolates. Clearly labeled "for YOU," or a racy olive oil.

Fancy, not racy olive oil! LOL

Ooooo. You may have started a thing. I'm gonna get on this. Racy olive oil is the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She sounds really annoying.
People lose some of their judgement as they get older through frontal lobe neurodegeneration. If she was used to hosting for many years before you came along, she's struggling to adjust and remember which food is assigned to who, etc.

Which doesn't mean you have to take any of this lying down. Your husband should be the one to say: "Sorry, Mom, this is DW's chair."
Don't hesitate to correct her emails if need be.

Uh, no. She's it bringing yams instead of cranberry sauce. She's making power plays. Have DH shut it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thought: If (and it is an if) she sends out the big mass email again, do reply all with the correct information AND reply to her privately asking that she not send out such emails for events you and DH are hosting and that you of course will refrain from sending out organizing emails for events she is hosting. Kindly, but make the point.

No. Do not engage. Ignore her overreach, and the rest of the family will figure out that you're in charge and come to you with questions.

The more you push this, the more you will come off as a bully in the eyes of her family. Blithely carry on as though this is all a case of minor miscommunication, and people will be happy to deal with you instead of control-freak mother.

I say this as someone who is the spawn of control freaks (and yes, I used to follow in their footsteps, but I have reevaluated my priorities). The ILs who roll with it even as they do their own thing are praised as saints. The ones who turn every act of pointless bossiness with an APB of their own are fodder for snark (as are my parents).

[Anonymous]

So my question is: How do I avoid this dynamic occurring, and how do I deal with it if (and likely when) it pops up this year?
Things I've done/am planning to do:
1) Send an e-mail clarifying logistics/food "assignments"
2) Use place cards and make it clear that I'm sitting in the hostess seat
3) Make extra room in freeze and fridge, and "just deal" with the extra food dynamic as far as storage goes

This is not a MIL vent, this is a known problem that I want to work on finding a good way to address/avoid. I do like her, and I don't need to be told that she raised my DH/I should be grateful/I'll be the MIL someday. Thank you!

OP I do not think this is such a small thing. Your MIL pushed a pregnant hostess out of her chair! You should address this directly with her (or your DH should, but obviously he wont). Don't use place cards -- just tell her. Just deal with the extra food by thanking and putting aside. Avoid putting things in writing b/c that will live forever. A face to face talk about "you are the hostess at your house, thanks! You be the hostess at YOUR house MIL..." She is way over stepping her boundaries and she knows exactly what she is doing. Best to mention it and move on, because obviously it is driving you crazy and it is inappropriate on her part. It is always best to nip these things in the bud. just be polite and TELL her. I would start with the chair. and tell her the timing emails make thins VERY awkward for the guests.

[Anonymous]

I really want an update on this thread after Thanksgiving to see how everything goes.

Place cards, "clarifying" e-mails, keeping her busy with small tasks/the kids, and a talk about this with DH are good solutions, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

But when you are hosting the gracious thing to do is to be flexible and accomodating of your guests, even the quirky ones, and especially the elderly.

Place cards are a lovely way to do what OP is trying to achieve. Rolling with the seating is another (maybe OP can take her husband's seat and he can sit next to her if sitting on an end is so important to OP). Getting in a power struggle with MIL, over email and especially at the actual event is bad manners and terrible hosting.

[Anonymous]

I never knew the host and hostess sitting at the head of the table was an official thing... Now I'm trying to remember if either my family members or I or DH have ever made that mistake of taking the host/hostess's chair at my in-laws. We probably have at some point, and we probably were spurned without even realizing it. Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never knew the host and hostess sitting at the head of the table was an official thing... Now I'm trying to remember if either my family members or I or DH have ever made that mistake of taking the host/hostess's chair at my in-laws. We probably have at some point, and we probably were spurned without even realizing it. Live and learn.

I Know! Who knew there are people who would get so worked up about something like this.

[Anonymous]

I get that your MIL taking over is annoying, but try to take a step back and realize that in some ways you are being as big of a control freak as she is. You go on and on about all the little things you have done, and how there are no more serving platters. So what? The purpose of holiday gatherings are to get together. Pick your battles. Why not just serve her food in whatever container she brings it in? Why do you care where someone sits?

When she asks if thier will be coffee just say yes or of course.

Trust me, I have MIL control issues, but until you have her showing up with unwanted furniture and inviting people you do not know to your house, it is not too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that your MIL taking over is annoying, but try to take a step back and realize that in some ways you are being as big of a control freak as she is. You go on and on about all the little things you have done, and how there are no more serving platters. So what? The purpose of holiday gatherings are to get together. Pick your battles. Why not just serve her food in whatever container she brings it in? Why do you care where someone sits?

When she asks if thier will be coffee just say yes or of course.

Trust me, I have MIL control issues, but until you have her showing up with unwanted furniture and inviting people you do not know to your house, it is not too bad.

Oh, so because OP doesn't have YOUR problems, she doesn't have ANY problems? Because YOU don't care about serving platters or where people sit, SHE shouldn't?

Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never knew the host and hostess sitting at the head of the table was an official thing... Now I'm trying to remember if either my family members or I or DH have ever made that mistake of taking the host/hostess's chair at my in-laws. We probably have at some point, and we probably were spurned without even realizing it. Live and learn.

I Know! Who knew there are people who would get so worked up about something like this.

Hi all, OP here. I appreciate the advice and counter-points from everyone.

Let me clear something up: as I kind of mentioned in my original post, it's not literally, really so much about sitting in a certain chair, or serving platters, or any of those details.

It's about the fact that I feel she doesn't respect me, or appreciate all that I do for guests when I host. I feel like she is trying to "take over" in my home, and that's just not a nice feeling when my husband and I have worked very hard to get to this stage in life where we have a nice house and some nice things. My mom was/is a wonderful hostess, and it means a lot to me to be able to put her lessons and example into practice. It means a lot to me to incorporate old and new traditions, and make memories in our home. And as I mentioned in my original post, I also feel I go out of my way to make sure everyone feels welcome and included/helpful, and to honor MIL's family traditions--so it's not like I'm just trying to make everything "my way."

I respect her and I am a very respectful guest in her home.

And also--again, if you actually read my original post--I make it clear that I know none of this is truly a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm just trying to work around a known dynamic so that this upcoming holiday is as stress-free and happy as it possibly can be, and so that I can enjoy her company and our time together more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never knew the host and hostess sitting at the head of the table was an official thing... Now I'm trying to remember if either my family members or I or DH have ever made that mistake of taking the host/hostess's chair at my in-laws. We probably have at some point, and we probably were spurned without even realizing it. Live and learn.

I Know! Who knew there are people who would get so worked up about something like this.

It's great that you grew up with more informal traditions. But please understand that, for many families, there are a few times of year when etiquette and formality do come into play--especially when members of the older generation are still around. So while your "sit anywhere!" approach is valid, it's not the only approach, and people who do have some level of formality and etiquette in their family celebrations are not "wrong." OP isn't "worked up," she's not screaming at her MIL, she's using this forum as a sounding board to discuss her feelings and find some good solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

But when you are hosting the gracious thing to do is to be flexible and accomodating of your guests, even the quirky ones, and especially the elderly.

Place cards are a lovely way to do what OP is trying to achieve. Rolling with the seating is another (maybe OP can take her husband's seat and he can sit next to her if sitting on an end is so important to OP). Getting in a power struggle with MIL, over email and especially at the actual event is bad manners and terrible hosting.

"The elderly?" What the what? Let me guess, MIL is probably in her mid- to late-60s, right? If OP has a toddler? Yeah, that doesn't get "the elderly" pass. You don't get to play the elderly card to excuse that behavior. Elderly is more like 75+.

She sounds like a right bitch, frankly. And I think she knows exactly what she's doing. OP sounds pretty darn patient and accommodating, BUT she doesn't seem like a total pushover...she's actually willing to face a dynamic she doesn't like and DO something about it, in a thoughtful and measured way.

Imagine that, DCUM! Setting some boundaries and figuring out how to solve a problem instead of just yapping and complaining about it, and letting people walk all over you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never knew the host and hostess sitting at the head of the table was an official thing... Now I'm trying to remember if either my family members or I or DH have ever made that mistake of taking the host/hostess's chair at my in-laws. We probably have at some point, and we probably were spurned without even realizing it. Live and learn.

I Know! Who knew there are people who would get so worked up about something like this.

It's great that you grew up with more informal traditions. But please understand that, for many families, there are a few times of year when etiquette and formality do come into play--especially when members of the older generation are still around. So while your "sit anywhere!" approach is valid, it's not the only approach, and people who do have some level of formality and etiquette in their family celebrations are not "wrong." OP isn't "worked up," she's not screaming at her MIL, she's using this forum as a sounding board to discuss her feelings and find some good solutions.

+100 to the bold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, if you took over hosting because of your pregnancies, it sounds like his mom had to give up hosting before she was really ready. Doesn't sound like it was her choice.

Your DH's mom sounds like my mom a bit -- used to marshalling all the forces together for a big event, who gets energy and feels excitement from ordering people around in order to achieve a goal. You can deflate her balloon by being the host yourself, but I don't think she will be any happier ... probably just the opposite. She still wants to feel that feeling, and you are kind of taking it away from her.

And you're allowed to, I guess. But also imagine yourself when you're 60 or 70 and don't yet want to be relegated to being the old lady with the biscuits in the corner, past her prime, who isn't important enough to manage anything anymore, who has been replaced. You can do that to her. On the other hand, it wouldn't kill you to just let her do some of these things. It might bother you less if you see it as her fighting against her age, instead of trying to usurp you.

Good luck!

Well said...it's kind to think of what might be going on in MIL's mind and perhaps feel sorry for her that she might be feeling left out.