Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe she sits at your place when you and your husband are hosting. That is rich. And you know what? She knows what she's doing.

You are going way too easy on her, trying to "work around" the problem. She's the problem. You can't work around her. She'll see through your efforts to do so and will step up her GAME.

I agree with this poster. Your MIL is diabolical!

You have a great attitude about the situation. I commend you for your patience!

[Anonymous]

I would love it if you would "work around" everything as you've described/PPs suggested, but do this one thing...

Ask her directly why she is sitting in your place.

Just to see what she could possibly say to justify that behavior.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, if you took over hosting because of your pregnancies, it sounds like his mom had to give up hosting before she was really ready. Doesn't sound like it was her choice.

Your DH's mom sounds like my mom a bit -- used to marshalling all the forces together for a big event, who gets energy and feels excitement from ordering people around in order to achieve a goal. You can deflate her balloon by being the host yourself, but I don't think she will be any happier ... probably just the opposite. She still wants to feel that feeling, and you are kind of taking it away from her.

And you're allowed to, I guess. But also imagine yourself when you're 60 or 70 and don't yet want to be relegated to being the old lady with the biscuits in the corner, past her prime, who isn't important enough to manage anything anymore, who has been replaced. You can do that to her. On the other hand, it wouldn't kill you to just let her do some of these things. It might bother you less if you see it as her fighting against her age, instead of trying to usurp you.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Who cares where she sits? I get being bothered by the symbolism of it all, but in practical terms, who fucking cares?

You are so annoyed by her that you are failing to distinguish between actual problems (telling people to bring things they don't need to bring) and things you would prefer didn't happen (like the chair).

What actually matters? What can't you work around? Deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Have you or DH suggested/offered to the family that Thanksgiving move back to MIL's house now that you are no longer pregnant and restricted from traveling? It sounds like the rest of the family might prefer your house anyways, but as a PP pointed out, perhaps she might like the chance to host again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, if you took over hosting because of your pregnancies, it sounds like his mom had to give up hosting before she was really ready. Doesn't sound like it was her choice.

Your DH's mom sounds like my mom a bit -- used to marshalling all the forces together for a big event, who gets energy and feels excitement from ordering people around in order to achieve a goal. You can deflate her balloon by being the host yourself, but I don't think she will be any happier ... probably just the opposite. She still wants to feel that feeling, and you are kind of taking it away from her.

And you're allowed to, I guess. But also imagine yourself when you're 60 or 70 and don't yet want to be relegated to being the old lady with the biscuits in the corner, past her prime, who isn't important enough to manage anything anymore, who has been replaced. You can do that to her. On the other hand, it wouldn't kill you to just let her do some of these things. It might bother you less if you see it as her fighting against her age, instead of trying to usurp you.

Good luck!

Who cares if MIL was "ready" to give up or not? She's getting grandchildren from OP. The least she can do is being accommodating and helpful during pregnancies. It's not about you, MIL...

Plus, did you see the other reasons? Why should the aunt drive several hours more when there is a bigger, more comfortable house to visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you or DH suggested/offered to the family that Thanksgiving move back to MIL's house now that you are no longer pregnant and restricted from traveling? It sounds like the rest of the family might prefer your house anyways, but as a PP pointed out, perhaps she might like the chance to host again?

OP here. I am pregnant right now, which is one of the several reasons we're hosting here this year. Saving my DH's aunt and cousins 5 more hours in the car, and having more room for everyone, is also a factor.

But no, we don't host every holiday, and don't expect to! We do Fourth of July at their house, Easter, we've done Thanksgiving and Christmas in the past, and will in the future. I haven't "taken over" hosting, it's just the way it's worked out for last Christmas and for this Thanksgiving. She will host again, I don't have any issue with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love it if you would "work around" everything as you've described/PPs suggested, but do this one thing...

Ask her directly why she is sitting in your place.

Just to see what she could possibly say to justify that behavior.

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Who cares if MIL was "ready" to give up or not? She's getting grandchildren from OP. The least she can do is being accommodating and helpful during pregnancies. It's not about you, MIL...

Right. Once I have kids (aka, giving them grandchildren) the only thing that matters is what I want. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you or DH suggested/offered to the family that Thanksgiving move back to MIL's house now that you are no longer pregnant and restricted from traveling? It sounds like the rest of the family might prefer your house anyways, but as a PP pointed out, perhaps she might like the chance to host again?

OP here. I am pregnant right now, which is one of the several reasons we're hosting here this year. Saving my DH's aunt and cousins 5 more hours in the car, and having more room for everyone, is also a factor.

But no, we don't host every holiday, and don't expect to! We do Fourth of July at their house, Easter, we've done Thanksgiving and Christmas in the past, and will in the future. I haven't "taken over" hosting, it's just the way it's worked out for last Christmas and for this Thanksgiving. She will host again, I don't have any issue with that!

I'm PP. Ok, had missed that you were currently pregnant, as opposed to you were pregnant the last few years and it just hasn't shifted back.

Good luck. Personally I think your attitude is good, and talking with DH is key. You sound like someone who has class and is gracious, take lots of deep breaths no matter what happens!!

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is probably having a hard time not being in her usual, respected, family head role. She's probably spent her life cooking, hostessing, takeing care of people. And now she is shunted aside. Not your fault, OP, but it probably hurts her deeply. And she probably resents that her house was fine and homey for all those years, and now that you have a bigger, fancier one...you get to host. Again, not your fault, not yours to fix, but do have some empathy. Look, when my brother and sister in law bought a big beautiful house all of the sudden it became "Oh, we'll host! We have room, and it will be so much more comfortable." We'd been doing holidays at my modest house for years and years and it was cozy and lovely and warm. Its fine to do holidays at different houses, to rotate and share around...but please never make it about "we have more/bigger/nicer, so we'll host." It just makes people with less than you feel like crap.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this would not bother me at all. Who cares if she acts like it is her gig. Let her feel that way you never know what will happen in the future. My mom was a huge PIA and is now out of it and not even able to travel. God what I would do to have her bossing me around in the kitchen now. Let it go. Pour a glass of wine and just take in all the chaos. It is good chaos.

[Anonymous]

My MIL did this once, but no where in extreme as yours did. She and my DH took over everything and cut me out. So I went upstairs and took a nap. They didn't notice I was gone.

We don't host anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are about to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family; MIL, FIL, and my husband's aunt and two teenage cousins. They'll all be staying in our house for a few days. I've hosted many events/guests before with my husband, and I think we do a nice job of decorating our home, preparing for guests, and making really good food. I think of even really small and personal details, and try to go out of my way to make every guest feel welcome and comfortable.

I also go out of my way to include others who want to help, and let them know that their contributions are much appreciated. For example, the aunt likes to bring appetizers, so we always ask her to do so. MIL likes to bring desserts, so we always ask her to do so. If someone volunteers to help out, I give them things to do, and always say "thank you." When we celebrate with my husband's family, I try to make their must-have dishes/traditions the focus, and do slip in a few of my own, but do try to celebrate the holiday "their way."

However, my MIL always acts like SHE is the hostess, and tries to take over everything. For example, last year for Christmas (even though it was at our home), she e-mailed the family members who would be attending in OCTOBER and told them what dates to arrive and depart, without consulting us. She "assigned" dishes to family members who had already indicated to me they couldn't make it that year. When she arrives, she always brings TONS more food than we previously discussed, and then gets put out when there's not a lot of room for it/not an opportunity to serve it because the menus have already been planned out, and the tables and serving dishes are already overflowing. She always "announces" when we're going to serve the meal, when we'll serve the dessert, and when it's time to clean up. She even sits in the "hostess chair" at the head of the table, opposite of my husband. She always asks about things like "will there be coffee after dessert" when it's already set up because I KNOW they like coffee with dessert; I've never not served that. She always offers to bring china dishes, even though she knows I have a full set of not only "regular" wedding china, but also a full set of holiday china that my mother gave to me.

All of my husband's family are good people, and for the most part I like their visits; and I appreciate the time and attention they give to my toddler. Look, in the grand scheme of things, I know these are small things. But it's not so much each individual "thing," it's the sense that she is acting like hostess in MY home when I already am a very good hostess. She doesn't need to "fill in gaps" that I am leaving. I'm a good cook, I use nice china and silver and linen, my home is spotlessly clean, each guest has a nice place to sleep, and towels, etc. She doesn't need to "run the show," I've got it covered. And her taking over causes confusion for the other guests, when I'm the one who should be coordinating arrival dates, and when I already have info about who is not coming that year, etc.

So my question is: How do I avoid this dynamic occurring, and how do I deal with it if (and likely when) it pops up this year?
Things I've done/am planning to do:
1) Send an e-mail clarifying logistics/food "assignments"
2) Use place cards and make it clear that I'm sitting in the hostess seat
3) Make extra room in freeze and fridge, and "just deal" with the extra food dynamic as far as storage goes

This is not a MIL vent, this is a known problem that I want to work on finding a good way to address/avoid. I do like her, and I don't need to be told that she raised my DH/I should be grateful/I'll be the MIL someday. Thank you!

This IS a vent, you already seem like you know what to do, so do it. And these are all such small things. You really need some perspective. Dare I say it? She's family, she raised your son, and if she wants to sit in your chair, why is that a big deal?

just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL did this once, but no where in extreme as yours did. She and my DH took over everything and cut me out. So I went upstairs and took a nap. They didn't notice I was gone.

We don't host anymore.

Really? It sounds like a perfect Thanksgiving to me!