Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, if you took over hosting because of your pregnancies, it sounds like his mom had to give up hosting before she was really ready. Doesn't sound like it was her choice.

Your DH's mom sounds like my mom a bit -- used to marshalling all the forces together for a big event, who gets energy and feels excitement from ordering people around in order to achieve a goal. You can deflate her balloon by being the host yourself, but I don't think she will be any happier ... probably just the opposite. She still wants to feel that feeling, and you are kind of taking it away from her.

And you're allowed to, I guess. But also imagine yourself when you're 60 or 70 and don't yet want to be relegated to being the old lady with the biscuits in the corner, past her prime, who isn't important enough to manage anything anymore, who has been replaced. You can do that to her. On the other hand, it wouldn't kill you to just let her do some of these things. It might bother you less if you see it as her fighting against her age, instead of trying to usurp you.

Good luck!

Well said...it's kind to think of what might be going on in MIL's mind and perhaps feel sorry for her that she might be feeling left out.

Did you Morpeth read the thread? The MIL hosts some holidays, just not ALL. OP asks her to bring dishes and help out. I fail to see why we should feel sorry for someone who seems so self-important and immature.

[Anonymous]

I really didn't know so many people DIDN'T realize there are host and hostess seats at dining room tables! I'm surprised by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

But when you are hosting the gracious thing to do is to be flexible and accomodating of your guests, even the quirky ones, and especially the elderly.

Place cards are a lovely way to do what OP is trying to achieve. Rolling with the seating is another (maybe OP can take her husband's seat and he can sit next to her if sitting on an end is so important to OP). Getting in a power struggle with MIL, over email and especially at the actual event is bad manners and terrible hosting.

"The elderly?" What the what? Let me guess, MIL is probably in her mid- to late-60s, right? If OP has a toddler? Yeah, that doesn't get "the elderly" pass. You don't get to play the elderly card to excuse that behavior. Elderly is more like 75+.

She sounds like a right bitch, frankly. And I think she knows exactly what she's doing. OP sounds pretty darn patient and accommodating, BUT she doesn't seem like a total pushover...she's actually willing to face a dynamic she doesn't like and DO something about it, in a thoughtful and measured way.

Imagine that, DCUM! Setting some boundaries and figuring out how to solve a problem instead of just yapping and complaining about it, and letting people walk all over you!

LOL, exactly..."elderly" my foot. She knows what she's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really didn't know so many people DIDN'T realize there are host and hostess seats at dining room tables! I'm surprised by that.

Me too, seems so basic. Even my very laid back in-laws do this and they wear jeans and sneakers on major holidays. It's not always an every day thing, but it's pretty ingrained in our culture. See: any holiday movie ever with a dinner scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really didn't know so many people DIDN'T realize there are host and hostess seats at dining room tables! I'm surprised by that.

Me too, seems so basic. Even my very laid back in-laws do this and they wear jeans and sneakers on major holidays. It's not always an every day thing, but it's pretty ingrained in our culture. See: any holiday movie ever with a dinner scene.

Agreed. Which is why it's even more obvious that a member of an older generation does this and is doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Some really good advice here!

[Anonymous]

How do people not know that there are host/hostess seats at a dining room table?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know that there are host/hostess seats at a dining room table?!

i think the point is that this isn't universal knowledge. So you can't assume everyone knows. I cannot picture caring who sits at which of 8 identical chairs. It's exactly the stuff I tell my kids to stop fighting about because it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people not know that there are host/hostess seats at a dining room table?!

i think the point is that this isn't universal knowledge. So you can't assume everyone knows. I cannot picture caring who sits at which of 8 identical chairs. It's exactly the stuff I tell my kids to stop fighting about because it doesn't matter.

They're only "identical" at round tables or perfectly square tables. At traditional rectangle or oval tables, hot/hostess seats are at the end to keep hostess near kitchen and allow hosts to more easily serve/pass.

Informality is fine, but recognize that some traditions have form AND function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

But when you are hosting the gracious thing to do is to be flexible and accomodating of your guests, even the quirky ones, and especially the elderly.

Place cards are a lovely way to do what OP is trying to achieve. Rolling with the seating is another (maybe OP can take her husband's seat and he can sit next to her if sitting on an end is so important to OP). Getting in a power struggle with MIL, over email and especially at the actual event is bad manners and terrible hosting.

"The elderly?" What the what? Let me guess, MIL is probably in her mid- to late-60s, right? If OP has a toddler? Yeah, that doesn't get "the elderly" pass. You don't get to play the elderly card to excuse that behavior. Elderly is more like 75+.

She sounds like a right bitch, frankly. And I think she knows exactly what she's doing. OP sounds pretty darn patient and accommodating, BUT she doesn't seem like a total pushover...she's actually willing to face a dynamic she doesn't like and DO something about it, in a thoughtful and measured way.

Imagine that, DCUM! Setting some boundaries and figuring out how to solve a problem instead of just yapping and complaining about it, and letting people walk all over you!

LOL, exactly..."elderly" my foot. She knows what she's doing.

+1. My MIL would never dream of pulling a stunt like that, but if she did, I'd have no problem having a quiet word with her about it.

[Anonymous]

Agreed that MIL doesn't get to be treated as elderly. "Elderly" like a fox, more like!