Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are about to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family; MIL, FIL, and my husband's aunt and two teenage cousins. They'll all be staying in our house for a few days. I've hosted many events/guests before with my husband, and I think we do a nice job of decorating our home, preparing for guests, and making really good food. I think of even really small and personal details, and try to go out of my way to make every guest feel welcome and comfortable.

I also go out of my way to include others who want to help, and let them know that their contributions are much appreciated. For example, the aunt likes to bring appetizers, so we always ask her to do so. MIL likes to bring desserts, so we always ask her to do so. If someone volunteers to help out, I give them things to do, and always say "thank you." When we celebrate with my husband's family, I try to make their must-have dishes/traditions the focus, and do slip in a few of my own, but do try to celebrate the holiday "their way."

However, my MIL always acts like SHE is the hostess, and tries to take over everything. For example, last year for Christmas (even though it was at our home), she e-mailed the family members who would be attending in OCTOBER and told them what dates to arrive and depart, without consulting us. She "assigned" dishes to family members who had already indicated to me they couldn't make it that year. When she arrives, she always brings TONS more food than we previously discussed, and then gets put out when there's not a lot of room for it/not an opportunity to serve it because the menus have already been planned out, and the tables and serving dishes are already overflowing. She always "announces" when we're going to serve the meal, when we'll serve the dessert, and when it's time to clean up. She even sits in the "hostess chair" at the head of the table, opposite of my husband. She always asks about things like "will there be coffee after dessert" when it's already set up because I KNOW they like coffee with dessert; I've never not served that. She always offers to bring china dishes, even though she knows I have a full set of not only "regular" wedding china, but also a full set of holiday china that my mother gave to me.

All of my husband's family are good people, and for the most part I like their visits; and I appreciate the time and attention they give to my toddler. Look, in the grand scheme of things, I know these are small things. But it's not so much each individual "thing," it's the sense that she is acting like hostess in MY home when I already am a very good hostess. She doesn't need to "fill in gaps" that I am leaving. I'm a good cook, I use nice china and silver and linen, my home is spotlessly clean, each guest has a nice place to sleep, and towels, etc. She doesn't need to "run the show," I've got it covered. And her taking over causes confusion for the other guests, when I'm the one who should be coordinating arrival dates, and when I already have info about who is not coming that year, etc.

So my question is: How do I avoid this dynamic occurring, and how do I deal with it if (and likely when) it pops up this year?
Things I've done/am planning to do:
1) Send an e-mail clarifying logistics/food "assignments"
2) Use place cards and make it clear that I'm sitting in the hostess seat
3) Make extra room in freeze and fridge, and "just deal" with the extra food dynamic as far as storage goes

This is not a MIL vent, this is a known problem that I want to work on finding a good way to address/avoid. I do like her, and I don't need to be told that she raised my DH/I should be grateful/I'll be the MIL someday. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I think you mostly just ignore her and/or correct her. Some stuff like, are we going to have coffee? (it's not worth the mental energy of you thinking that yes, we are, we always do!). Just say, yes and move on. If she announces dinner is at 5, just smile and say, actually, it's at 5:30.

Ignore any directive emails she sends out to anyone. When she gets put out because her food can't be served, let her be put out. She sounds like she really really wants to be the hostess. I'm assuming there is some reason she can't have it at her home sometimes?

[Anonymous]

Can DH (or you if you are close enough) have a little talk with her beforehand? "hey, Mom, we are really counting on you to do x, y, and z, but just that. Please don't bring more, we only have so much space in the fridge, remember last year?"

And you and DH need to come up with an arrangement for in the visit. I think plenty of "Mom/MIL, we have this under control, thanks." Think of tasks to give her to do to keep her busy so she won't be taking over as easily. "Can you take Larlo out to the backyard for a bit? Here are some bubbles and a ball. Thanks he loves you so much!"

As long as you and DH feel like a team and can decide how you want to handle it, I think you will feel a lot better.

Side note: Does MIL still want to be hosting? Would it be better if you did it more "your" way at some level because she feels you have taken over "her" traditions?

[Anonymous]

This is tough, as she probably doesn't even know she is doing it. You need to enlist your DH to tell her when she's crossed the line, gently. "Mom, we're serving dinner at 3, not 4. We've got this." and "Mom, that's Susan's chair" and he needs to do this early and often.

Yes for 2 and 3 - make place cards, make extra room in the fridge.
1- I would email her first and thank her for her efforts but that you'll be clarifying a few things. Then send it.

[Anonymous]

First obvious question: Where is DH on this? His mother, his issue to resolve.

If were you, I would simply go ahead and do things my way.

"Dear Family - I see MIL thoughtfully let you know about our upcoming Thanksgiving celebration. We're all getting excited about it! But I must not have told MIL that you can't be with us, Larla. We will miss you! I've asked Marla to bring sweet potatoes this year. Also, we're planning on dinner at 4pm, not 2pm, and please don't worry about bringing anything, Larlo, just your beautiful family and a big appetite!"

When MIL arrives with too much food, you thank her sincerely and put it aside. "Goodness! This is enough for an army! We're all set on veggies for today, but I'm sure we'll enjoy these tomorrow."

When it's time to eat, you pointedly show each person to their seat. "Larlo, you're next to Marla and MIL you sit here, right next to DH. No, that's my seat - You're right here. Perfect!"

Be positive, confident and uncompromising. "Thank you so much, but I have it under control in here. If you want to help, you could go see if anyone needs their drink refreshed?"

[Anonymous]

I love that she sits in your chair. HA. Your DH needs to insist she sit next to him. Act like it's a big honor. I can't even imagine how I'd respond if my MIL did that and I am not as charming a hostess as you are.

The first holiday we hosted was the first time my DH and I sat on opposite ends of our brand new long dining room table. It was weird. What was weirder is all my in-laws sat as far away from me as possible and crowded by my DH. It was awkward since they quite clearly did not want to be "stuck" sitting next to any members of my family. Sigh...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that she sits in your chair. HA. Your DH needs to insist she sit next to him. Act like it's a big honor.

Right--treat her as the guest of honor--and even use that term. "Now Mother Larla, you're the guest of honor. We're happy to host after all the years that you put in all that work. We look forward to your biscuits, but beyond that, we've got everything covered, and we want you to be able to relax in the days before the party." And on the day, your husband can say, "Mom, you're our guest of honor, so come sit down next to me and relax while Lila and I take care of everything."

[Anonymous]

She sounds slightly insecure and in need of validation. You've gotten good advice here, but I think there are a couple of key things:

- she needs something that is hers. Can you put her in charge of something? Center piece for the table? Some special skill she has? something that you can then fawn over and compliment her?
- your husband plays a role here. Others have given ou good advice so I won't repeat, but he needs to step up and manage things.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everyone for the good solutions!

We have had to host a few because of my pregnancies and because it's much easier for the aunt and cousins to drive here rather than driving 5+ extra hours to get to MIL/FILs house. Until recently, DH's grandmother lived in McLean, but she has sadly passed away within the last few months.

DH doesn't really notice this kind of stuff, and I haven't brought anything up to him, because it all seems kind of petty. I could think of a few solutions on my own, and many of these suggestions will work well. I think I will talk to him ahead of time this holiday, and I'm fairly sure he'll be "in my corner" once he knows this bothers me and why. It's one of those "subtle MIL problems," you know? Like nothing terrible or insurmountable.

Anyway, good thoughts here. Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to everyone for the good solutions!

We have had to host a few because of my pregnancies and because it's much easier for the aunt and cousins to drive here rather than driving 5+ extra hours to get to MIL/FILs house. Until recently, DH's grandmother lived in McLean, but she has sadly passed away within the last few months.

DH doesn't really notice this kind of stuff, and I haven't brought anything up to him, because it all seems kind of petty. I could think of a few solutions on my own, and many of these suggestions will work well. I think I will talk to him ahead of time this holiday, and I'm fairly sure he'll be "in my corner" once he knows this bothers me and why. It's one of those "subtle MIL problems," you know? Like nothing terrible or insurmountable.

Anyway, good thoughts here. Thanks so much!

Forgot to add that our house is much bigger and can more comfortably hold more people both for the "big meals" and for sleeping. Now that I'm thinking about that, I'm wondering if there is some "house jealousy" at play? People have said little things like, "Wow, I get a bed this year!" which is (I'm sure) meant just to be nice/"funny," but she may have overheard that and it hurt her. I'll try to maybe be aware of that and--if anyone says anything of the kind--downplay it/move on, say something like, "Yes, but I can't wait until Easter so we can see MIL's beautiful garden start to bloom."

[Anonymous]

I can't believe she sits at your place when you and your husband are hosting. That is rich. And you know what? She knows what she's doing.

You are going way too easy on her, trying to "work around" the problem. She's the problem. You can't work around her. She'll see through your efforts to do so and will step up her GAME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to everyone for the good solutions!

We have had to host a few because of my pregnancies and because it's much easier for the aunt and cousins to drive here rather than driving 5+ extra hours to get to MIL/FILs house. Until recently, DH's grandmother lived in McLean, but she has sadly passed away within the last few months.

DH doesn't really notice this kind of stuff, and I haven't brought anything up to him, because it all seems kind of petty. I could think of a few solutions on my own, and many of these suggestions will work well. I think I will talk to him ahead of time this holiday, and I'm fairly sure he'll be "in my corner" once he knows this bothers me and why. It's one of those "subtle MIL problems," you know? Like nothing terrible or insurmountable.

Anyway, good thoughts here. Thanks so much!

Forgot to add that our house is much bigger and can more comfortably hold more people both for the "big meals" and for sleeping. Now that I'm thinking about that, I'm wondering if there is some "house jealousy" at play? People have said little things like, "Wow, I get a bed this year!" which is (I'm sure) meant just to be nice/"funny," but she may have overheard that and it hurt her. I'll try to maybe be aware of that and--if anyone says anything of the kind--downplay it/move on, say something like, "Yes, but I can't wait until Easter so we can see MIL's beautiful garden start to bloom."

OP, I was going to ask about house size/"keeping up with the Joneses" but you beat me to it! A good point to be aware of...

[Anonymous]

Book a family cruise for thanksgiving and give thanks for not being with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are about to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family; MIL, FIL, and my husband's aunt and two teenage cousins. They'll all be staying in our house for a few days. I've hosted many events/guests before with my husband, and I think we do a nice job of decorating our home, preparing for guests, and making really good food. I think of even really small and personal details, and try to go out of my way to make every guest feel welcome and comfortable.

I also go out of my way to include others who want to help, and let them know that their contributions are much appreciated. For example, the aunt likes to bring appetizers, so we always ask her to do so. MIL likes to bring desserts, so we always ask her to do so. If someone volunteers to help out, I give them things to do, and always say "thank you." When we celebrate with my husband's family, I try to make their must-have dishes/traditions the focus, and do slip in a few of my own, but do try to celebrate the holiday "their way."

However, my MIL always acts like SHE is the hostess, and tries to take over everything. For example, last year for Christmas (even though it was at our home), she e-mailed the family members who would be attending in OCTOBER and told them what dates to arrive and depart, without consulting us. She "assigned" dishes to family members who had already indicated to me they couldn't make it that year. When she arrives, she always brings TONS more food than we previously discussed, and then gets put out when there's not a lot of room for it/not an opportunity to serve it because the menus have already been planned out, and the tables and serving dishes are already overflowing. She always "announces" when we're going to serve the meal, when we'll serve the dessert, and when it's time to clean up. She even sits in the "hostess chair" at the head of the table, opposite of my husband. She always asks about things like "will there be coffee after dessert" when it's already set up because I KNOW they like coffee with dessert; I've never not served that. She always offers to bring china dishes, even though she knows I have a full set of not only "regular" wedding china, but also a full set of holiday china that my mother gave to me.

All of my husband's family are good people, and for the most part I like their visits; and I appreciate the time and attention they give to my toddler. Look, in the grand scheme of things, I know these are small things. But it's not so much each individual "thing," it's the sense that she is acting like hostess in MY home when I already am a very good hostess. She doesn't need to "fill in gaps" that I am leaving. I'm a good cook, I use nice china and silver and linen, my home is spotlessly clean, each guest has a nice place to sleep, and towels, etc. She doesn't need to "run the show," I've got it covered. And her taking over causes confusion for the other guests, when I'm the one who should be coordinating arrival dates, and when I already have info about who is not coming that year, etc.

So my question is: How do I avoid this dynamic occurring, and how do I deal with it if (and likely when) it pops up this year?
Things I've done/am planning to do:
1) Send an e-mail clarifying logistics/food "assignments"
2) Use place cards and make it clear that I'm sitting in the hostess seat
3) Make extra room in freeze and fridge, and "just deal" with the extra food dynamic as far as storage goes

This is not a MIL vent, this is a known problem that I want to work on finding a good way to address/avoid. I do like her, and I don't need to be told that she raised my DH/I should be grateful/I'll be the MIL someday. Thank you!

This IS a vent, you already seem like you know what to do, so do it. And these are all such small things. You really need some perspective. Dare I say it? She's family, she raised your son, and if she wants to sit in your chair, why is that a big deal?

[Anonymous]

That's MY chair, Bitch. Ahem. I mean, use place cards. Also, any time she tries to take over put your hand on her arm, and smile as you say No Doris, you're on vacation now as our guest. You just enjoy and I'll run things this weekend.