Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Who cares? OP does. She cares. And she's doing her best to find a kind and appropriate way to deal.

Your family sits wherever? Good for you. Thus thread isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll bet you an-ny-thing that she is actually quite jealous of your mom:your relationship with your mom. Seems like your mom is a good hostess who taught you a lot about being a good hostess--MIL is disappointed that there is nothing to "teach" you...so she's trying to assert her importance in other ways.

Yup...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

"In my family..."

Nope, not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.


It is common knowledge that the head and "foot" of a table--seats at the short ends opposite from one another--are the host and hostess seats. Anyone who knows anything about hosting and etiquette would know that. It sounds like OP's MIL knows this full well, if she is a "coffee after dessert" type of old-school person.

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I am not aware of the host and hostess seat. It is that I would never have this level of formality with my closest relatives so I would not think - oh, better not use that chair, it's for the hostess. Especially with kids - I tend to sit so I or my husband can help them if needed. If someone said, oh that's my chair, it would be different and of course I would not sit there. However, the thought would not enter my mind unprompted. I also would think that an adult would mention I was sitting in her seat if she found this important. However, I do like coffee after dessert!


You would assume the "head of the table" position? Really?


That is odd, even at an informal family gathering. PP, you should at least wait to see where the hostess sits, ask where she wants you/if she cares, if there are no place cards.

It is odd! I'm someone who doesn't believe in thank you cards if the giver has been thanked verbally. But, I would NEVER presume to sit anywhere I wanted if it was a sit down dinner. I wait to see how the host/hostess wants guests seated. If it's not clear, I would ask where s/he wanted me to sit.

A "sit down dinner" as you speak of is a very different thing than "an informal family gathering" as mentioned by the person you just quoted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.


It is common knowledge that the head and "foot" of a table--seats at the short ends opposite from one another--are the host and hostess seats. Anyone who knows anything about hosting and etiquette would know that. It sounds like OP's MIL knows this full well, if she is a "coffee after dessert" type of old-school person.

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I am not aware of the host and hostess seat. It is that I would never have this level of formality with my closest relatives so I would not think - oh, better not use that chair, it's for the hostess. Especially with kids - I tend to sit so I or my husband can help them if needed. If someone said, oh that's my chair, it would be different and of course I would not sit there. However, the thought would not enter my mind unprompted. I also would think that an adult would mention I was sitting in her seat if she found this important. However, I do like coffee after dessert!


You would assume the "head of the table" position? Really?


That is odd, even at an informal family gathering. PP, you should at least wait to see where the hostess sits, ask where she wants you/if she cares, if there are no place cards.

It is odd! I'm someone who doesn't believe in thank you cards if the giver has been thanked verbally. But, I would NEVER presume to sit anywhere I wanted if it was a sit down dinner. I wait to see how the host/hostess wants guests seated. If it's not clear, I would ask where s/he wanted me to sit.

A "sit down dinner" as you speak of is a very different thing than "an informal family gathering" as mentioned by the person you just quoted.

If there is a dining room table involved, you never sit in the hostess chair, even with family, even with pizza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I missed it, but what is the problem with the food? I get that it's annoying, but you can just put it all out on the table, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let it go. Who cares. If she brings food, put it out somewhere. Who cares what chair you sit in. In my family the middle aged generation would offer the host chairs to the older people and the older people would insist the middle aged hosts the a nd it would go back and forth.

Sensibilty and graciousness such as that which you are speaking of are not to be found in many of the households of dcum.

Let's be clear: it's not gracious to act like the hostess in someone else's house.

Agreed. Nor is it gracious or "sensible" to send out emails of logistics for an event you are NOT hosting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Book a family cruise for thanksgiving and give thanks for not being with her.

+1! Or any minibreak vacation will do! Your kids will love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I missed it, but what is the problem with the food? I get that it's annoying, but you can just put it all out on the table, right?

Not OP, but if there's not enough fridge or freezer space to store it, or enough serving platters/utensils, that is annoying.

I never bring food items without asking; my hostess gift is usually a candle, a box of chocolates. Clearly labeled "for YOU," or a racy olive oil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I missed it, but what is the problem with the food? I get that it's annoying, but you can just put it all out on the table, right?

Not OP, but if there's not enough fridge or freezer space to store it, or enough serving platters/utensils, that is annoying.

I never bring food items without asking; my hostess gift is usually a candle, a box of chocolates. Clearly labeled "for YOU," or a racy olive oil.

Fancy, not racy olive oil! LOL

[Anonymous]

She sounds really annoying.
People lose some of their judgement as they get older through frontal lobe neurodegeneration. If she was used to hosting for many years before you came along, she's struggling to adjust and remember which food is assigned to who, etc.

Which doesn't mean you have to take any of this lying down. Your husband should be the one to say: "Sorry, Mom, this is DW's chair."
Don't hesitate to correct her emails if need be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should always defer to your elders, OP. If you truly had "manners" and are a "good hostess," you would know that.

Oh dear lord. That is so funny. How old are you, 90?