Thanksgiving 'dynamic' and how to prevent/deal with it

[Anonymous]

You younger gals have a LOT to learn when dealing with the older generation.

Yes, MIL knows what she's doing. And OP, honey, she's played you. Although somehow I don't think you're as innocent and perfect as you claim to be.

Yes, they know how to mark their territory and make it clear who really runs the family. So either cut the cute act and play the game, or stop whining and wringing your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love it if you would "work around" everything as you've described/PPs suggested, but do this one thing...

Ask her directly why she is sitting in your place.

Just to see what she could possibly say to justify that behavior.

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.

It is common knowledge that the head and "foot" of a table--seats at the short ends opposite from one another--are the host and hostess seats. Anyone who knows anything about hosting and etiquette would know that. It sounds like OP's MIL knows this full well, if she is a "coffee after dessert" type of old-school person.

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I am not aware of the host and hostess seat. It is that I would never have this level of formality with my closest relatives so I would not think - oh, better not use that chair, it's for the hostess. Especially with kids - I tend to sit so I or my husband can help them if needed. If someone said, oh that's my chair, it would be different and of course I would not sit there. However, the thought would not enter my mind unprompted. I also would think that an adult would mention I was sitting in her seat if she found this important. However, I do like coffee after dessert!

You would assume the "head of the table" position? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love it if you would "work around" everything as you've described/PPs suggested, but do this one thing...

Ask her directly why she is sitting in your place.

Just to see what she could possibly say to justify that behavior.

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.

It is common knowledge that the head and "foot" of a table--seats at the short ends opposite from one another--are the host and hostess seats. Anyone who knows anything about hosting and etiquette would know that. It sounds like OP's MIL knows this full well, if she is a "coffee after dessert" type of old-school person.

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I am not aware of the host and hostess seat. It is that I would never have this level of formality with my closest relatives so I would not think - oh, better not use that chair, it's for the hostess. Especially with kids - I tend to sit so I or my husband can help them if needed. If someone said, oh that's my chair, it would be different and of course I would not sit there. However, the thought would not enter my mind unprompted. I also would think that an adult would mention I was sitting in her seat if she found this important. However, I do like coffee after dessert!

You would assume the "head of the table" position? Really?

That is odd, even at an informal family gathering. PP, you should at least wait to see where the hostess sits, ask where she wants you/if she cares, if there are no place cards.

[Anonymous]

You seem like a really nice person, OP. I would try not to sweat it- let her sit wherever she wants- we don't do the host/hostess chair anyway. As far as cooking and bringing extra food, in the scope of things, it is a small problem to have so try and bite your tongue. It won't ruin your meal to have a couple of extra things to serve.

It would be annoying to have her making the arrangements and announcing when the meal is being served and you will have to quietly correct her- if her timing is off. My MIL died suddenly a few years ago and I really regret some of the silly power struggles that we got into.

Happy Thanksgiving, you sound like a lovely hostess and blessings on your new addition!

[Anonymous]

Another thought: If (and it is an if) she sends out the big mass email again, do reply all with the correct information AND reply to her privately asking that she not send out such emails for events you and DH are hosting and that you of course will refrain from sending out organizing emails for events she is hosting. Kindly, but make the point.

[Anonymous]

Don't try to be matriarch OP. not your turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't try to be matriarch OP. not your turn.

Yeah it is. Time to put pushy MIL on an ice floe and send her out into the ocean.

[Anonymous]

Op, when you are pushed around it's an indication that you are not respected. I'm sure this comes out in other instances besides Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

It is your husband's job to set boundaries with her just like it is your job to set boundaries with your family as needed. IMO if you just tip toe around her, it reinforces it. He needs to be direct, clear and of course respectful and when she goes prima donna it is his job to keep the boundary.

[Anonymous]

Does she even know it's OP's place? We dont do this 'hostessing chair' thing. At all. You sit where you are comfortable. I would probably accidentally use OP's place too.


It is common knowledge that the head and "foot" of a table--seats at the short ends opposite from one another--are the host and hostess seats. Anyone who knows anything about hosting and etiquette would know that. It sounds like OP's MIL knows this full well, if she is a "coffee after dessert" type of old-school person.

Let me rephrase. It isn't that I am not aware of the host and hostess seat. It is that I would never have this level of formality with my closest relatives so I would not think - oh, better not use that chair, it's for the hostess. Especially with kids - I tend to sit so I or my husband can help them if needed. If someone said, oh that's my chair, it would be different and of course I would not sit there. However, the thought would not enter my mind unprompted. I also would think that an adult would mention I was sitting in her seat if she found this important. However, I do like coffee after dessert!


You would assume the "head of the table" position? Really?


That is odd, even at an informal family gathering. PP, you should at least wait to see where the hostess sits, ask where she wants you/if she cares, if there are no place cards.

It is odd! I'm someone who doesn't believe in thank you cards if the giver has been thanked verbally. But, I would NEVER presume to sit anywhere I wanted if it was a sit down dinner. I wait to see how the host/hostess wants guests seated. If it's not clear, I would ask where s/he wanted me to sit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a really nice person, OP. I would try not to sweat it- let her sit wherever she wants- we don't do the host/hostess chair anyway. As far as cooking and bringing extra food, in the scope of things, it is a small problem to have so try and bite your tongue. It won't ruin your meal to have a couple of extra things to serve.

It would be annoying to have her making the arrangements and announcing when the meal is being served and you will have to quietly correct her- if her timing is off. My MIL died suddenly a few years ago and I really regret some of the silly power struggles that we got into.

Happy Thanksgiving, you sound like a lovely hostess and blessings on your new addition!

Why is it on OP to stay quiet and let this push told broad be pushy? Why is good behavior expected from OP, and rude behavior to be tolerated from MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that she sits in your chair. HA. Your DH needs to insist she sit next to him. Act like it's a big honor. I can't even imagine how I'd respond if my MIL did that and I am not as charming a hostess as you are.

The first holiday we hosted was the first time my DH and I sat on opposite ends of our brand new long dining room table. It was weird. What was weirder is all my in-laws sat as far away from me as possible and crowded by my DH. It was awkward since they quite clearly did not want to be "stuck" sitting next to any members of my family. Sigh...

Place cards.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe any of these stories.

[Anonymous]

Don't be afraid to use the grandkids for excuses too. No mom little henry really wants to sit next to you this year. Oh and if I sit here I can get up easier and get things out of the kitchen.

No.No. Mom you sit down and enjoy your time with your grand kids.

[Anonymous]

I'll bet you an-ny-thing that she is actually quite jealous of your mom:your relationship with your mom. Seems like your mom is a good hostess who taught you a lot about being a good hostess--MIL is disappointed that there is nothing to "teach" you...so she's trying to assert her importance in other ways.